Skip Steps 1 & 3

Hey, Look! A New Year's Eve Countdown Post!

2008-12-31T19:13:00.002-05:00

Yeah, it's been a while. I know. But I thought a great way to get back into the blogging spirit would be to go to an old stand-by - the music post! So anyway, here are my top 10 (or so) albums that I really enjoyed in 2008, in no particular order (well, that's not exactly true....they are in alphabetical order....)

The Avett Brothers - Mignonette - You'll have to excuse some local bias, but this is quite possibly my favorite band in the world right now. Ever since Emotionalism came out last year, I've been a tad obsessed...bought almost their entire back-catalogue, seen them live, bought a banjo, etc. This is a solid album (although I still slightly favor Emotionalism), with some incredible tracks. Your first step should be to see them live, then come home and download "Swept Away," "Signs," and "At the Beach."
Bon Iver - For Emma, Forever Ago - This album wasn't on my radar at all (thanks NPR!), but when I finally got my hands on it, I was blown away. This is music to listen to alone, in the dark, with a glass of Jim Beam in one hand and a fistfull of regrets in the other...but I mean that in a totally good way, of course. Get "Flume" or "Skinny Love" immediately.
Dr Dog - Fate - Even if you don't buy into this band's "let's replicate classic rock down to the last detail" mantra, there's still some outstanding music here. I personally love this band and have loved everything they have done since Easy Beat came out in '05. Check out "The Breeze" for a good taste
Fleet Foxes - Fleet Foxes - The only thing disappointing about this album is that by the time I got a copy, there was no way it could live up to the hype. Still thoroughly enjoyable nonetheless, and admittedly I was very late to the party here, and I think there's still time for it to grow on me. Just put "White Winter Hymnal" on repeat.
Flight of the Conchords - Flight of the Conchords - What's left to say about these guys? I only wish I was as funny or as musically talented. My favorite track is still "The Most Beautiful Girl [In the Room]," although my current ringtone is "Business Time."
Girl Talk - Feed the Animals - I won't comment on the "is this art or blasphemy" debate here, but whichever way you feel, this is a FUN record. How can you not smile after realizing you're listening to a Dee-Lite/Nirvana mashup?
The Hold Steady - Stay Positive - I never cared for this band at all until I heard Boys and Girls in America, but that album made me do a total 180. This outing isn't quite as strong IMO, but definitely some solid songs. "Sequestered In Memphis" and "Magazines" are standouts
My Morning Jacket - Evil Urges - The title track is so-so, and "Highly Suspicious" never should have even made it into the studio, but you can't accuse these guys of not pushing the limits. From track 4 onward, a great album. Personal favorite is "Thank You Too!"
Okkervil River - The Stand Ins - I've really been into these guys for a year or so, and this album is a perfect book-end to last year's The Stage Names. Download "Lost Coastlines" now.
This is Ivy League - This is Ivy League - sort of a modern-day Simon & Garfunkel. Accoustic guitar-driven rythms, nice harmonies, great melodies. Check out "Love is Impossible" and "London Bridges"
White Shoes & the Couple Company - White Shoes & the Couples Company - if you love Indonesian pop like I do, then this is a no-brainer. This is my hands-down pick for Random CD Purchase of the Year (Damn you Paste Magazine, and your "International Music" edition). Key track: "Tentang Cita"

Happy New Year!

I am an Independent Thinker (via King of Spills)

2008-08-03T20:55:00.001-04:00

Feed the Poor/Improve Vocabulary/Re-live the SAT

2008-05-26T09:13:00.001-04:00

freerice.com

Give it a try!

Dear Santa:

2008-05-15T07:45:00.002-04:00

I know it's only May, and your big night is still months away. But I promise to be extra good if you could find room in your sleigh for one of these:

http://www.cnn.com/2008/WORLD/europe/05/14/photos.rocketman/index.html

What's Long, Rigid, and Loaded with Seamen?

2008-05-04T22:49:00.002-04:00

A new submarine, you pervert!

http://www.starnewsonline.com/section/news4516

This badass little piece of military hardware was commissioned here in town this weekend. Unfortunately the event was invite-only, so we'll have to rely on the Star News's photos instead of any originals. I was able to get nowhere close. Still kinda pissed about that.

Is there anything more pointless than...

2008-05-03T15:29:00.002-04:00

the "recall email" feature on Microsoft Outlook? I received two of these emails this week, and it's basically just a new message saying to ignore the first one. Isn't it just as easy to, oh I don't know, send out a new message saying "Sorry, ignore that last email I sent"?

It would be different if it actually sucked the original email out of the receiver's inbox, but it does nothing like that. If you email your boss to call him cock-sucking asshole, and then "recall" it, he's still going to see that you called him a cock-sucking asshole.

I don't get it.

(Now if I can only become the #1 Google result for a "cock-sucking asshole" search. Actually, on second thought, nevermind).

Come with me...and you'll be...in a world...of pure imagination

2008-05-01T21:32:00.004-04:00

Imagine my surprise when I got home yesterday, only to find a huge commotion going on in front of New Brunswick County Hospital across the street from my apartment. The reasons for this were two-fold: One, when I left that morning there was no hospital across the street from my apartment. And two, the last time I checked there was no such thing as New Brunswick County (at least around these parts).

After a few inquires, it turns out that the Wilmington film industry is once again churning out something more that just One Tree Hill, and it's about freakin' time I might add. Apparently this particular project is a horror/slasher flick starring gruff-voiced rapper DMX. And "New Brunswick County Hospital" is actually the sciences building at Cape Fear Community College with a few temporary cosmetic upgrades. Here's a crappy pic:

5 Years Later...

2008-05-01T17:01:00.000-04:00

Yep, five years.

http://thecaucus.blogs.nytimes.com/2008/04/30/remembing-mission-accomplished/index.html?nl=pol&emc=pola2

Slight Delay in Resurrecting This Blog....

2008-04-27T15:33:00.002-04:00

I went to all this trouble (not really...it was a pre-made template) to bring this site current again, write an "I'm back" post, and then one actual serious (not really...none of posts are actually serious) post, only to disappear again just as abruptly. So you're probably thinking, "What's going on here?" (not really...no one reads this anymore).

Well the main reason is that I met a great girl recently, and you know how that goes. Although I am near certain that announcing this in such a semi-public way is a guaranteed way to doom any potential longterm relationship that may develop, I guess I'll take my chances. Plus, if (err...when) I eventually ruin everything with her, I'll have all sorts of heart-wrenching tales to tell, AND plenty of time to blog about it!

But in the meantime, here are some topics to ponder:
- Kickball! Yes, Wilmington is finally cool enough to score a WAKA league, and I've joined up with a team for the inaugural season. It should be a good time, until I inevitably rupture a ligament or something (looking for wood to knock on....). I just have an uncanny ability to injure myself in playing even the most contact-free organized sports.

- I was at the dry cleaner yesterday to pick up some shirts when an old lady drove her car right into the building. It was hilarious (but only because no one was hurt, of course)! She apparently was angling for the drive-through lane, but just completely misjudged the turn, and Wham! But alas this post has nothing to do with Andrew Ridgeley. The building was actually fine, save some minor scratches to the brick, but the lady's car was pretty dented up.

- Barack Obama is speaking here in Wilmington tomorrow, but I have to go out of town for work so I'll miss it. I'm kinda pissed about that. Hilary will be here tonight, but I have kickball!

Finally, Instructions for Dealing with ME!

2008-03-30T15:33:00.002-04:00

When people meet me for the very first time, they tend to come to one of three conclusions:

I'm quiet/shy - which is true
I'm super-serious - which isn't really true at all, but I don't really feel comfortable joking around with people until I know them better...See #1
I'm kind of weird - which is basically true

So anyway at the urging of a good friend the other day, I found myself taking an online personality test. At the time I thought it might be kind of fun to see what it said about me, but ultimately I expected to dismiss everything it told me as worthless psycho-babble.

To my surprise though, the results/explanations were accurate. Very accurate.

As it turns out, I'm the Intuitive-iNtroverted-Thinking-Judging type (INTJ, baby!), although this is probably no big shock to anyone who knows me and has studied this stuff at some point.

Want to know what makes me tick? I think this website is the best summary: http://www.intjcentral.com/. Definitely check out the FAQ page; it's priceless.

Want to try the test for yourself, and come to the crushing realization that you're NOT an individual but rather just another member of one of 16 predetermined types? There's a pretty good Facebook app floating around out there that will tell you, although this site is also good: http://www.humanmetrics.com/cgi-win/JTypes1.htm

Return?

2008-03-28T23:15:00.002-04:00

So if anyone still comes to this site, you can tell there have been a few changes. I think I'm going to try to start posting regularly again, as I seem to just have an incredible amount of shit on my mind and no other outlet. More to come...

Fire Pope!

2007-10-15T22:40:00.001-04:00

He's Baaaaack!

2007-09-22T00:06:00.001-04:00

The Juice in Miami - Spring '03

My sole regret in taking this photo is the fact that I am not in it.

Progress!

2007-09-07T20:10:00.001-04:00

This Needs to be Seen

2007-08-15T19:55:00.001-04:00

An Artsy Picture of a Big Fat Sheltie

2007-08-13T22:50:00.000-04:00

That's Right Be-otch! 115!

2007-08-09T19:48:00.001-04:00

Yeah, I probably should pay more attention to the road and traffic and stuff.....

Oh, That's Right...I Have a Blog.....

2007-08-08T21:18:00.000-04:00

Once there was a time when I would sit at work and anxiously ponder all of the entertaining and exciting things I could blog about when I got a free minute or two. Now, not so much. I attribute this largely to the youthful optimism I formerly possessed, which has since been shattered in an onslaught of disillusionment and disappointment.

Actually, wait, I take that back. Disillusionment and disappointment are great topics to post about...I certainly have had my share of "Oh, my life is SO terrible" posts. On the other hand, optimism and a positive outlook on life provide prime material as well...I've composed my share of "Things are SO great, I just have to tell EVERYONE," too.

So what's up these days? Nothing. Nothing at all. Someone asked me the other day, "how's it going?" My response was 100% accurate: "It's going." It's just that nothing too terrible or too exciting has happened lately.

My life has become the first 15 or 20 minutes of every latter-day Bill Murray movie. Just cruising along, doing what I do.

Want proof? The most inspiring event to happen to me in the last month is the one that lead me to snap this picture with my camera phone:

"Oh shit...107! That's hot as Hell!"

Yeah, I know, dashboard thermometers aren't exactly what NASA uses to calibrate its instruments, but you get the idea. It was hot. I actually gave a crap about something for a split second. There you go.

A Most Unusual Occurance

2007-07-09T21:29:00.000-04:00

So this afternoon I had something strange happen - 2 very much cuter-than-average girls initiated conversations with me within the span of about 5 minutes of each other. Yeah, that happens pretty much never. But as great as these encounters were in themselves, I feel that each also illustrates some greater life life lessons/personal philosophies applicable far beyond these two limited instances. Observe...

Girl #1 - I was at the bank making a deposit at like 4:55 this afternoon, and I am fairly certain this girl thought I was someone else she knew. It wasn't like we both reached for the same pen or something at the same time and then shared an awkward "oh, hi..." Just the opposite. She came right over and said "Oh, hey...so what you end up doing this weekend?" Naturally, I pretended this was perfectly normal and went on to tell her about my weekend, ask her about her's, etc. Then I noticed she was wearing a wedding ring, and I was suddenly much less interested in playing that game anymore.
Lesson #1: As I've noted several times before (er, I'm too lazy to actually link) I have an "everyman" face. I feel this could spell a promising future in either international espionage, organized crime, or Hollywood, yet I haven't to this point pursued any of those possibilities. I need to get on that.
Lesson #2: We're getting to the age, sadly, where it seems most of the "normal" girls are married or in otherwise serious relationships. Or maybe it's just this area. I need to get out of here....

Girl #2 - After I left the bank, I headed over to Fedex to send some stuff out. That's when I heard an "excuse me...can I bother you for a second?" I turned around to find a very cure Chinese girl (no I'm not racist; it's actually relevant that she's Chinese) standing there, obviously not very familiar with the area, sort of staring at the different buildings on the block. I asked what she needed, and she told me she was trying to find a certain restaurant on that street. I knew exactly which one she meant, and and after we made a little small talk, I pointed her in the right direction and she was on her way.
Lesson #3: The restaurant she was asking about was a Chinese place, and I was terrified that someone might walk by and overhear our conversation. Why? Because they might think "That poor girl asked that guy for a good place to eat, and OF COURSE, he told her to go to a Chinese place. Racist asshole bastard!" Yep that's it - I am ridiculously scared of being labeled a racist.
Lesson #4: Seinfeld is still more relevant today than any television show currently in production. Cigar-store Indian episode anyone? The Asian postal worker? You know what I mean.
Lesson #5: I've never dated/hooked up with an Asian girl - and hopefully this doesn't come off too racist - but as a race they are so damn cute. OK so that's totally racist and sexist, but whatever.

That's How We Roll in the 9-1-0

2007-07-05T18:56:00.000-04:00

This was actually a link on CNN.com. Teacher marries student, but, eh, whatever. You gotta' love this area.....

http://www.wsoctv.com/news/13624493/detail.html?rss=char&psp=news

I'm Sure the iPhone is Great, BUT....

2007-07-02T20:05:00.001-04:00

Anyone else finding that the new version of iTunes released to accomodate the iPhone is full of bugs? I keep getting all kinds of crazy errors ever since I installed it.

You know what I just LOVE?

2007-06-27T22:45:00.000-04:00

...when a bum approaches me on the street, and asks if he can have some money. Then when I give him all the change in my pocket, he responds "It would really help me out if I could get a $5."

Really? Are you serious? Not "thank you," not "God bless you," but "It would really help me out if I could get a $5."

Let's do a little math here: You could stand in your one spot, and at a minimum, about 50 people per hour will walk past you on a typical weekday (this is eastern NC, mind you). If everyone were to give you $5, that's $250/hour, 8 hours a day, 5 days a week - you're making around $10 grand a week. Hell, if even 5% - 10% of the passersby responded to your request, you're still doing better than a lot of new college grads. Not to mention that 8 hours a day is a conservative estimate, since you have nothing else to do (like bathing, obviously), and you can also prey on the tourist crowds on the weekends.

Sounds pretty good to me. So why exactly did I waste my time in law school when I could be panhandling?

Look, I know good people fall on hard times. I know hard working folks get laid off. I know I've had a lot of advantages in my life that many people haven't. But come on. Can you at least fake appreciation?

Some Thoughts

2007-06-20T20:50:00.000-04:00

So is anyone else super-pumped that Ghost Hunters is back on? This show is so good. For anyone unfamiliar, the title is pretty self-explanatory - think your house is haunted? Give 'em a call and they'll check it out for you! Scientific in its approach, and always seeking to disprove first, it's always creepy whenever they break down a deem a place "haunted."
I have not joined the "next-gen" video game ranks as of yet, but I feel an Xbox 360 may be in my near future. Even with my load of PS2 games sitting unused on my shelf (the 'ol PS2 died nearly a year ago), the upcoming releases of Halo 3 and Grand Theft Auto 4 with exclusive Xbox content may tip the scales in that direction.
After a 27-year comprehensive study, I've determined the following when it comes to females - 49% are not attractive enough to date; 49% are too hot and out of my league; 2% are attractive, approachable, and completely uninterested in me.
Have you seen that Hardee's/Carl's Jr. commercial where the two "cool guys" are sitting in the diner, when the "dorky waiter" comes up and starts naming the establishment's dessert selection? What a couple of douchebags! A simple "no, thanks" will do the trick. Do you have to sit there and mock the guy just because he's overweight and he's not wearing a trendy graphic tee? I literally can't watch the ad; it's too painful. (Sorry, it doesn't seem to be on YouTube...maybe it's just a regional spot)
Warrant is very underrated in the world of hair bands/glam rockers. Whenever you're sitting around talking 80's metal, Warrant is always the band that gets overlooked. They really had some great songs, though. If nothing else, the following should be on your iPod: "Heaven," "Sometimes She Cries,""Where the Down Boys Go," and "Uncle Tom's Cabin." (You've probably already got "Cherry Pie").
I'm growing quite scared of something....that Transformers will be terrible. I just want it to be awesome, but Michael Bay's involvement with the project makes me nervous. Transformers were THE thing from my formative years, and I don't think I can seeing it maligned on the big screen. Please, don't let this be another Miami Vice.

Free Legal Advice, or alternatively, I May be Going to Hell

2007-06-11T20:11:00.000-04:00

I'll just throw this one out there - I foreclosed on a church today.

Let that sink in for a second.

But here's what happened: Borrower owned two rather large pieces of land, tract 1 and tract 2. He intends (he claims) to take out a mortgage on tract 1, but "inadvertently" (that's yet to be determined) takes out the mortgage on tract 2. Then, either out of the goodness of his heart or because of some sweet tax write-off, he sells tract 2 to a local church for a nominal sum - $10 for the entire parcel if I'm not mistaken.

Years go by. The church builds a brand-spankin'-new fellowship hall on the land, all the while being clueless to the fact that their property is securing a debt of its former owner. So guess what happens when Borrower defaults on his payments?

That's right - the bank is free to pursue a foreclosure action against the subject property, which according to publicly recorded documents is not tract 1, but instead tract 2. Borrower? Doesn't lose much but his credit rating. The church? Basically screwed. The person presenting this evidence at the foreclosure hearing? Me, of course.

So here's the moral of the story - ALWAYS GET A TITLE SEARCH!!! If you buy land, if you receive land as a gift, if your Great Aunt dies and leaves you some land in her will - GET IT SEARCHED! Who knows what kind of crazy mortgages or liens or back taxes are out there.

If the bank won't back off from a church, it sure as hell won't back off from you.

Now pardon me while I go kick some puppies....

Now if the football team would just step it up....

2007-06-11T19:56:00.000-04:00

GO HEELS!!!

Great Start to the WE-eekend

2007-05-26T13:35:00.000-04:00

Yesterday I actually got off of work about 8:00 - believe me that's a nice change from the way the rest of the week had gone - so I decided to go down to check out WE Fest. For those who don't know, and unless you live around Wilmington you probably wouldn't, WE is a 4-day festival of independent music, art, and film that's held here each Memorial Day weekend. Also it takes place about 2 blocks from my apartment, and costs $1/day to get in, so getting there required only a very small investment of time and money on my part.

I got there in time to see most of Jennifer Glass's set (her...not her). Nice singer-songwriter acoustic stuff, and good way to kick things off. But here's the beauty of the whole concept - there are 3 different floors in the building, and each has a different stage. So that means when one act ends, you can walk right over to hear another band while the first stage is setting up for the next one. Very well planned out.

After listening to a little of I Love You Airlines, I headed upstairs to catch Seems So Bright, a sort of modern-rock-with-Radiohead-esque-undertones group from NYC. Then it was back downstairs for the bluegrass trio Barnraisers. Towards the end of that set, it became quite noticeable that something HEAVY was going down in the basement (the bass/guitar/banjo combo 15 feet in front of me was being drowned out by sounds traveling up through the concrete floor). I had to see what that was all about.

Enter Study of The Sirens, a vocal-less rock/metal band that kind of reminded me of Explosions in the Sky (from the Friday Night Lights theme song). Outstanding set, and definitely a pleasant surprise, because that was one I was planning to skip in favor of Snatches of Pink. Fortunately the timing worked out that I could hear both.

Anyway, it was a great time. I've put in all the links above so you check these bands out for yourselves if you want. They're all small-label or unsigned acts, and I know they would appreciate all the support they can get. And as I got off at 1:00 today (that's not bad for a Saturday!), I'm sure I'll end up back over there at some point - there's a full slate of music right through Monday.

Rock on.

This Guy is AWESOME!

2007-05-20T19:39:00.000-04:00

I've never actually met this guy, but I stumbled across an article in one of the local papers about who he is and what he's doing - his name is Eric Vithalani, and he's taking 2 years away from "real life" to jump on his bike and cycl around the world. Yeah, obviously there will be some air travel involved to get around those pesky oceans, but what a goal!

His whole outlook on the journey is very much from the "me" school of travel, as well. Sure you can fly somewhere, stay in the largest, most modern, most American-ized hotel near the tourists traps, and be able to say "Oh, I've been to ___!"

But have you really?

The most rewarding travel experiences I've ever had were the ones where I've got far off the beaten path. Touring the Guinness brewery in Dublin is great...drinking a Guinness in a pub in County Clare in which you're the only American is better. The Coliseum in Rome is a must-see...but sitting out under the stars in a small Mediterranean village with a couple of locals, a guitar, and a bottle of wine is more memorable. I always try to explain that to people whenever the topic of travel comes up.

This guy clearly gets it.

His blog is at www.theheaviestbike.blogspot.com. I will be following this one closely. God knows it takes very little to inspire to jump on a plane for parts unknown. If I only had the time right now....

"...Where Could I beeeee? Believe it or not, I'm not Hooooome!"

2007-05-16T21:37:00.000-04:00

So yeah, it's been awhile. And the reason? The perfectly legitimate, yet altogether unexciting:

"Work has been terrible lately."

I know...so lame. But here's what happened - At the end of March we lost an attorney. Not such a huge deal at 20 lawyer firm. Mid-April, another one bites the dust. "We'll all have to pitch in a little extra to pick up the slack," my boss says. The very next week, we say goodbye to yet another. "Since our case load is down a little anyway, it's not such a bad time for this to happen," the aforementioned boss announces.

Now I essentially have 2 jobs (same pay, of course). Over the past month, it has become routine to wake up at 5:30 to get some work done at home before the courthouse opens at 8:30. When the courthouses close at 5:00, I typically have 3 or 4 hours of work to look forward to at night. Sometimes I get lunch/dinner breaks. Sometimes not.

That has a way to cut into the posting time. Today, I finished up around 7:00 and it felt like summer vacation. Anyway, I do actually have some vaguely creative, informative, entertaining ideas I'd like to write about if I get around to it. Maybe this weekend.

Pearl the Landlord

2007-04-22T15:43:00.001-04:00

Local Celeb/Idiot!

2007-04-20T23:45:00.000-04:00

Hooray! A local guy made The Smoking Gun!

http://www.thesmokinggun.com/archive/years/2007/0420073shirt1.html

At least he was supporting the VaTech shooting victims....that counts for something, right?

Stiller...Schwartzman...Me?

2007-04-19T19:58:00.000-04:00

OK, well I'm not actually in the movie, but I received a notice on my door that The Marc Pease Experience will be filming on my street tomorrow.

{I scanned in said notice, but for some reason blogger won't post the pic...you'll just have to imagine an official-looking notice from Paramount Studios sitting here}

I think it would be pretty cool to get out and watch some of it if I can get away from work at a reasonable time. Maybe Ben and Jason and a whole entourage of hotties will even hit the bars tomorrow night? I honestly don't know what else they'd do around here....

Blackberry Blackout

2007-04-18T21:10:00.000-04:00

Did anyone else get hit by the Blackberry outage this morning? It caused complete freak out mode at my office, and sadly, I was as worked up as anyone else. I honestly used mock those "Oh, I couldn't live without my Blackberry!" people, and now I'm one of them. What's really bad is that everything was back to normal around 10:15, and it still made for one the longest mornings I can remember.

I'm not sure how that makes me feel.

One Thing Missing from my Life: A Cool Catch-Phrase

2007-04-11T21:40:00.000-04:00

Lately I've been thinking a lot - and by "lately" I mean earlier today, and by "thinking a lot" I mean when I was daydreaming on the way work - and have come to this conclusion:

I think my social life could improve immensely if I had a great 80's sitcom-style catch-phrase. Just imagine the fun. Hanging out with your friends, and hit a lull in the conversation? Catch-phrase time! No good ice-breaker for the cute girl in the bar? Bam! Have an argument with a good buddy? Lighten the mood with a great one liner! Oh, the possibilities are endless.

But what to say? I've narrowed it down to my top three choices:

1) ...all the way to Cambodia!
As in:
"I'd kick his ass all the way to Cambodia!" or,
"You can tell that story all the way to Cambodia, but that doesn't make it true."

2) I'm pissing crystal over here!
As in:
"What is taking her so long? I'm pissing crystal over here!" or,
"Of course I'm excited for the big game...I'm pissing crystal over here!"

3) ...even if I were covered in Kevlar!
As in:
"You think Diane is cute? Dude, I wouldn't touch her even if I were covered in Kevlar!" or,
"Ron is a fucking slob. I wouldn't hang out at his place even if I were covered in Kevlar!"

Clearly any one of these phrases would be useful in a variety of social situations, but to be a true catch-phrase, I need to stick with one and really make it my own. Perhaps some real-world testing is in order.

Either Genius or Insanity

2007-04-09T22:26:00.000-04:00

I'm very careful when I post about things related to work. The names are ALWAYS changed or left out entirely, the places are USUALLY changed, and my firm's name is NEVER used. God help us all if someone googling my office should stumble on this garbage.

However, this is one instance where I feel it is my journalistic (or bloggeristic, maybe? whatever...) duty to use real names and locations to address this particular topic.

See, when dealing with real estate matters, I come across a whole variety of subdivision names. Most are your typical grandiose statements of the property's supposed magical desirability..."Enchanted Acres," or "Seaside Haven." The names are different, but they all mean basically the same thing - "no poor folks here!"

Anyway, the other day I came across the best (worst?) subdivision name I have ever seen. Located just outside Kinston, NC, is the phenomenally-titled "Colonial Colony."

Yes, some developer actually dubbed his land "Colonial Colony."

Can you imagine that brainstorming session?

Developer: We need a name to really draw the people in...something with a "wow" factor....
Assistant 1: I agree...how about "Lenoir Estates," or maybe "The Kinston Reserve"....
Assistnat 2: Or maybe "Kinston Plantation"....
Dev.: Yeah, yeah, something that hearkens back to the city's roots...something with a sense of history...
Ass 1: "Plantation Forest?"
Ass 2: "Colonial Forest?"
Dev.: OK, now we're on the right track...I like "colonial"....
Ass 1: "Colonial Creek!"
Ass 2: "Colonial Plantation!"
Dev.: No, no, no, less "plantation," and more "colonial!"
Ass 1: Uh, "Colonial Colony?"
Ass 2: [blank stare]
Dev.: Perfect!

Here's a Google Map link if you're ever in the area.

Because Chuck Norris Told Me to...

2007-04-01T16:16:00.000-04:00

Lately I've been coming to terms with a paradox in my life: I love exercising/playing sports, and I've been on more high school/rec/intramural teams than I could list...BUT...at the same time, I am also incredibly lazy. Essentially, I'd jump right into a basketball game being played right outside my apartment, but I'm sure as hell not going to drive across town to participate.

I guess this contradiction has been with me my whole life, but it's been especially prevalent ever since law school wrapped up almost 2 years ago (and on a side note....holy crap...law school was nearly 2 years ago....geez). See, when I was younger my mom would drive me to and from practice/games; in high school most sports took place immediately after school and I was there anyway; in college it was a similar situation, plus the fact that you have all kinds of time to dick around in college; law school was a little more challenging in that regard, but not too much.

Then I started working....

And when I get home at the end of a long, crappy day, the last thing I want to do is change clothes, pack up a gym bag, head off again, etc.

I need instant gratification.

That's where Chuck Norris comes in...or at least the product he's been pitching for the last 10 years or so. Enter the Total Gym.

It sets up perfectly in my living room, but folds up and can hide in the corner when needed. Lots of exercises, no leaving the house. If ever there a was product designed with me in mind, it is this one.

Thanks Chuck!

A Great Excuse to Drink More

2007-03-28T21:36:00.000-04:00

One little hitch that came along with my move to the new place is the washer/dryer situation. My old place included a washer and dryer, where the new one only came pre-equipped with w/d hookups.

What to do?

Well I could drop $700 or more (actually lots more if I wanted to) to become the proud owner of the latest fabric-cleansing machinery, but the way I see it, I'll probably be in the market to buy a place after another year or so, and that would just make more crap to move. And if I were to buy my own condo or something, I'd probably want to pick a setup that actually worked there as opposed to lugging over old crap from my little apartment now.

Also, the space where the washer/dryer would go in here makes a great little storage area, where currently my bicycle, surfboard, snowboard, and my heavy winter clothes all reside.

So about the small problem of washing my dirty apparel?

Fortunately, this place is right around the corner from me. It's called Soapbox, and it's basically a bar/concert hall/club/laundromat. Here's the current schedule of bands coming through. So basically you toss in a load of whites, grab a beer, and then sit back and listen to some music.

I was in there on Sunday, and it's a very cool place. Kind of a Amsterdam coffee shop/indie rock club/Swiss youth hostel vibe - all of which are fine by me. There were no bands playing at the time, but most of the music coming from the jukebox was straight out of my own CD collection. Beers were reasonably priced and there was an impressive selection, and all of the bartenders/bouncers were very cool.

The patrons were sort of a mixed bunch...but come on, what kind of hooligan do you really expect to see out drinking at 1:00 on a Sunday afternoon?

Err, well, besides myself.....

Sad Day to be a Tar Heel

2007-03-26T18:02:00.000-04:00

And, no, I'm not talking about the late-game collapse against Georgetown yesterday. Unfortunately what I'm talking about happened prior to that ill-fated game. Jason Ray, the UNC student who played Ramses for the men's basketball games, was hit by a car Friday, and passed away this morning. Here's the SI link to the story. His family is definitely in the thoughts and prayers of the Carolina community.

NCAA Tourney Post...A Week Late

2007-03-22T17:30:00.000-04:00

Well, the NCAA Tournament started during my moving-induced internet outage, so I didn't have a chance to post thought/predictions before the first two rounds wrapped up. In case you were curious, my original Final Four picks were Florida-UCLA and UNC-Texas A&M, with UCLA beating A&M for the title.

Kind of random, I guess, but I think the Pac 10 was very solid this year and kind of underrated. It did pain me to not have UNC go all the way, but just as I've though since this season started, I don't think we quite have the total package with this year's team. There have been flashes of brilliance throughout the year, but there have also been plenty of lows as well.

Based on last weekend's games, however, I think I have to change my pick to win it all to Ohio State. Because they have the best squad in the tourney? Absolutely not. Because they should have lost to Xavier, and every eventual champ has that one game they should've lost but somehow end up pulling a W out of their ass anyway? Bingo

It just always happens that way*.

My god, just foul the guy when he crosses half court! You're winning by 3! Two free throws are meaningless! The only thing that can hurt you is a......D'OH!

Enjoy the Sweet 16!

*Maybe it doesn't, but it seems that way to me.

Yes, I'm Still Here...

2007-03-21T19:51:00.000-04:00

Geez, moving sucks. Granted, I now live in the heart of downtown within walking distance of everything interesting this town has to offer, AND my new place is actually cheaper since it's a bit smaller than the old one, BUT the crap you have to deal with just to relocate my possessions about 3.5 miles is insane. The boxes. The putting-things-into-boxes. The truck. The putting-the-boxes-into-the-truck. The realization that you have so much junk that you have no need for, but yet you box it up and move it anyway. The joy of attempting to clean the old place sufficient enough to get even a shred of your security deposit back. The one week delay in getting my cable and internet account transfered over. The absolute most shit-tastic week at work in months, that just so happened to coincide with said move.

So that's what I've been up to. I'm about 80 - 90% settled in now, so hopefully I can put up some interesting posts shortly (or at least stuff on par with the pointless thoughts and observations I usually have up here). I'll try to get so pics up shortly too.

Blood Orgy!

2007-03-06T21:32:00.000-05:00

OK, so I kinda dropped the ball by taking this long to put up on a post on the UNC - Duke game from Sunday. But in short, we won AND many of the more casual fans out there got a first-hand look at the kind of sneaky bullshit Coach K and his "squeaky-clean" Devils have been pulling for years. Anyway, ESPN's Page 2 has a brilliant article up now devoted to the all-time most hated Dukies. Check it out here.

ACC Tourney this weekend!!!

Ain't No Party Like a Scranton Party...

2007-03-03T16:23:00.001-05:00

Best. Quote. Ever.

2007-02-17T18:38:00.000-05:00

I was downtown this afternoon, and as I walked past a bus stop, I overheard a few magical words that nearly stopped me dead in my tracks. If it were possible to walk any more slowly without seeming conspicuous, I definitely would have. But in an effort to avoid looking like I was blatantly eavesdropping, I kept moving. What little I came away with, however, changed me profoundly:

"Once they find out you have a helicopter, they think you're weak....and then they'll stick it up your butt!"

Thank you, crazy bus stop lady. Thank you.

Valentine's Musings

2007-02-14T21:14:00.000-05:00

In lieu of doing anything even remotely romantic this Valentine's Day, I offer the following anecdotes semi-inspired by this wretched "holiday":

What is the rule for wishing someone "Happy Valentine's Day"? To me, that greeting should basically be reserved for one's significant other. However, I noticed throughout the day that some people toss it out to everyone, in the same vein as a "Merry Christmas" or a "Happy New Year." I just can't see myself using this as a casual greeting for my friends/colleagues.
Observing all the happy couples and over-worked florists about town today, and feeling a little self-pity over the whole being alone thing, I started to think back to some of my high and low moments from my own dating career. And suddenly, my brain dug out a memory I had not thought about in ages. Back in high school - about 2 or 3 days before graduation to be exact - my girlfriend and I broke up because I found out she was cheating on me. It was actually a lot like the first 15-20 minutes of Eurotrip, but she was my first "serious" girlfriend and I took it pretty hard. Anyway, after it happened I decided to sit down and write a letter to her just spilling out everything I was going through, and it ended up being like 5 or 6 pages front and back. Before today, I had not thought about that letter in years. Now I wish I could remember what it said. The way emo music is all the rage with the kids these days, I'm confident there was a top-10 single or two in there somewhere.
I saw a guy downtown today who looked EXACTLY like the caveman from the Geico commercials. I mean there is no way I can see anyone looking like that unless they were doing it on purpose - the long hair, the beard....it was like he was on his way to audition for the next spot. I wanted to say "It's so easy, even YOU could do it!" so bad, but I would've felt terrible if he had just randomly happened to look like that.

So, here's to porn and liquor!

Citation Needed

2007-02-13T21:14:00.000-05:00

This past weekend, I found myself engaged in one of my favorite pastimes - watching a documentary about lost civilizations. It's actually something I've talked about pretty rarely on this blog, but I LOVE any television documentary about 1) Aliens 2) Ghosts 3) Mythical creatures (ie, Bigfoot, Loch Ness Monster, etc) 4) the end of the World/Book of Revelations 5) Lost civilizations.

I'm serious. Life stops if I happen upon one of these topics on The History Channel or the National Geographic Channel. (Discovery joins the fray from time to time, but the the former are definitely my "big two.")

So anyway, this one show I was into was all about the search for Atlantis. They had a profile on a team searching the Mediterranean, one diving off the coast of the Bahamas - "Bimini Road" for you like-minded folks - and one guy was even talking about his Antarctica theory. However, it was the show's feature on a fourth researcher that spawned this particular post.

His idea was that, wherever Atlantis was, there must have been survivors, and these survivors must have eventually settled amongst other ancient civilizations. Sounds reasonable to me....

But his "proof:" Mayan artwork from pre-Columbian times depicting men with beards.

His reasoning: The Mayans would have no basis for showing beards in their art - unless they had been visited from peoples from far away - because Native Americans don't have facial hair.

Come again?

I am somewhat of a history dork, am fairly-well traveled, and obviously a documentary junkie, but I have never once in my life seen or heard any reference to Native American's lack of ability to grow facial hair. Can anyone confirm this for me?

I'm not saying I don't believe it, but it does strike me as a little strange. Why would one race of people not display such standard male trait? My immediate guess is that NA's are more evolved than the rest of us, with beards being one remaining to link to our monkey ancestors. But I'm really not sure.

And yes, I do see the irony here: "Mayans don't have beards...crazy!" but "Atlantis is buried under the snows of Antarctica....of course!"

What if Jesus Doesn't Believe in Me?

2007-02-02T21:13:00.000-05:00

It is really not too uncommon for me to drift off into a daydream when things are slow at work. And when things slow down late on a Friday afternoon, then watch out. As was the case today, when my subconscious cooked up this little dialogue between Jesus and St. Peter happening somewhere in Heaven:

SP: ...So, you know Tim as been quite devout lately...
JC: Yeah..., er, yeah, I guess...
SP: You guess? He's organized a Bible study for some of the people at his office, and he's leading the food drive this weekend....
JC: I know....I mean, I've heard....It's just that.....
SP: What are you talking about?
JC: It's just that sometimes...sometimes, I don't know if I actually believe in Tim...
SP: Jesus Christ, what are you saying? Look at all Tim has done for you!
JC: Yeah, well my Father raised me to love Tim, and I guess most my friends believe in him...it's just that I've been doing a lot of thinking lately, and, er....taking other people's word that Tim is there just doesn't do it anymore. I want to think for myself, and when I do, I'm just not sure...
SP: I can't believe my ears! The Son of God: an a-Timist!
JC: No, no, I'm not an a-Timist...I guess maybe I'm more agnostic...
SP: How can you say that? You died for Tim's sins!
JC: Yeah, I know, I know. But I mean, even though I did it, deep down I don't know if I believed I was dying for Tim...
SP: But Tim spends so much time in prayer...that's time that he and you spend together.
JC: Yeah, well sometimes on the path of life, when me and Tim are "together," it's like I glance back and I only see one set of footprints....
SP: Jesus, my friend, those are the times that Tim was carrying you...
JC: Wait, I thought those were the times that I was carrying him....
SP: Oh yeah, or something like that.....

Anyway, that's about the time I snapped out of it and got back to reality. Have a great weekend!

She Drove a Milan Right Into My Heart

2007-01-30T23:02:00.001-05:00

I completely ripped this off a radio show I listen to, but I'm thinking about doing a regular feature on this blog called "Is this weird?" It's a fairly simple premise - I reveal a little personal quirk/habit/idea, and then it's up to you to decide whether that thing is normal or if it's something I should probably keep to myself from now on.

So consider this entry #1 in the series: I have a huge TV-crush on that girl in the Mercury ads. I would never drive a Mercury, that background song is horrible, and that weird little vest she's sporting can go, but I could watch this commercial over and over. I think she's beautiful, and definitely my type.

Weird?

Yeah, That Sounds like a Fantastic Idea....

2007-01-26T20:40:00.001-05:00

Even though few people outside of the immediate area may know about it, North Carolina has a strong film and television industry, and the center of that industry is right here in Wilmington. Movies and TV shows are constantly in production around town, there's a major (ok...maybe "major" is the wrong word...it's Screen Gems) movie studio about 2 miles from my apartment, and it's not at all uncommon to see a street downtown closed off to the public for filming. People actually come here from out of town to see the real-life locales from Dawson's Creek and One Tree Hill.

Dawson's, I understand. One Tree, not so much.

However, a total shitstorm began brewing this past summer when sweet little Dakota Fanning was in town to film her latest project, Hounddog. Word managed to get out around town very early in production that Ms. Fanning's character was going to be involved in a brutal rape scene, and as could be expected, some people were kind of upset about a movie featuring a forced sexual encounter on a 12 year old girl. After the initial uproar, though, people got over it.

You see, even though NC as a whole is firmly in Red State territory, there do exist little pockets where the population doesn't conform to every Jesus-and-NASCAR stereotype lots of people picture. And while I'd say Chapel Hill/Carborro is probably the only area in the State that can rightfully be labeled "liberal," Wilmington is one of those cities that sits squarely in the moderate ground.

So basically when the Hounddog scandal first broke, you had the Bible-beaters condemning it, the artsy types celebrating it, and the vast majority of the people saying "it's just a movie...and I'm late for work!"

And we moved on.

Now Hounddog is causing a stir at Sundance, is gearing up for its theatrical release, and once again is turning some heads in the Ol' North State. Only this time around, its not here in moderate Wilmington, but in the decidedly-Jesus-and-NASCAR stronghold of Rockingham County. One of the State Senators from said county is proposing legislation that would, in essence, give the government editorial - if not outright censorship - rights over any picture filmed within our borders.

Are you kidding me?

The crux of Sen. Berger's argument is that the State's taxpayers shouldn't be forced to help fund "objectionable " movies. Granted, NC does offer lucrative tax incentives for producers to bring their projects into the state, but how on earth would you police what material is "objectionable"? I challenge Sen. Berger to pick 20 people off the street to describe their idea of "objectionable." I don't care if you're in Wilmington, Rockingham County, New York City, Tokyo or Easter Island, those 20 people are going to give 20 different answers.

There's already a clear exception in the tax breaks for obscene materials, which are defined as - come on law grads, in unison - depicting sexual conduct presented in an offensive way that appeals to prurient interest, lacks any serious literary, artistic, political or scientific value. While this definition is far from perfect, it does present much clearer set of boundaries than "objectionable."

Might Saving Private Ryan be objectionable to a peace activist? Could Office Space be objectionable to upper-management types? Lord of the Rings to Orcs? The bottom line is that you can name any film in the history of cinema, and someone will find it "objectionable."

Does Sen. Berger actually think writers are going tohand over their scripts for one final re-write by a bunch of good-ol-boy politicians? I can see it now....

"Yeah, you're absolutely right, Senator. Even though this project is a Ted Bundy bio-pic, lots of people find murder objectionable, so we'll have none of that in the film."

If this proposed bill actually passes (and God help us, with our politicians, it just might) then Senator Berger will get exactly what he wants - there will be no objectionable movies made in North Carolina, because there will be no movies made in North Carolina at all. The prospect of having to get some sort of legislative approval on an artistic endeavour will drive these projects out of state. End of story. The producers, directors, writers, and actors will not come and stay in our hotels, eat at our restaurants, drink at our bars, and have sex with our prostitutes (or whatever they do when they're here). Likewise for the tourists/stargazers that come out of nowhere when a big project starts up.

You don't think South Carolina or Virginia could come up with a decent incentive package for a big-budget film rejected (or one that doesn't even want to bother with the hassle of) the film committee of the NC Senate? I promise you, the scenery looks really similar.

People don't come here and eat at Hell's Kitchen because of the food. They eat there because it's where Pacey worked in Boston in the last seasons of Dawson's Creek. To be fair the food is actually very good there, but the big draw for everyon...er, I mean, me...is the Dawson's connection.

We've got a good thing going here. Let's not just give it away.

Here's Something Random and Pointless....

2007-01-24T22:28:00.000-05:00

How bored have I been lately after I get home from work? Bored enough to find sites like Cats that Look Like Hitler. It's like MySpace, but for cats....that look like Adolph Hitler.

These beasts are henceforth known as "Kitlers."

Holy..uh...Cruise!?!?

2007-01-23T21:49:00.000-05:00

OK, if you read Drudge then you've probably seen this already, but I feel the need to spread it around. Apparently Tom Cruise (not Jack Bauer) is the new Jesus. See for yourself:

http://www.thesun.co.uk/article/0,,4-2007030603,00.html

So there.

Check Out My Huge, Greasy Cock...

2007-01-20T21:47:00.000-05:00

...atiel.

This is actually from a while ago, but I never got around to posting it before. One night Sugar was out of his cage, flying around as he does when I'm home (my parent's don't like to take him out because sometimes he's hard to catch, and also because of the droppings issue). Most of the time, he'll do a few laps around the house and then pause at one of his favorite landing areas - the living room mantle, the dining room curtains, my dad's CD rack - to catch his breath before taking off again.

However on this particular night, he made his way into the kitchen and - for reasons known only to his little birdie brain - decided a pan of leftover grease from dinner looked like a good spot to land. After he splashed down, he was so stuck that he couldn't take off again. Furiously flapping his wings, he merely managed to splash more grease on himself until he was completely covered (it had been about an hour since dinner, so it wasn't hot enough to burn, but it was still in that mushy state before it totally hardens).

Once he calmed down a little, I gave him a toothbrush-and-dish-washing-liquid bath, and he was fine. But he was rather funny looking at the time, so I felt I had to take a few pics. It reminded me of that Seinfeld where Kramer is testing his oil barge liner by tossing a huge ball of oil out of the Play Now window, and it lands on Jerry's girlfriend.

"Look at me! I'm covered in oil! Haha!"

Yeah, this post is pretty lame, I know. Work has been ridiculous lately, and I'm trying to find a new place to live, so that's cutting into the blogging time a little. My only hope is that someone looking for porn will stumble onto this page by accident...

"Oh yeah! Huge, greasy co.....what the hell is this!?!"

Then it'll all be worth it.

It Don't Matter What He Said...He is Not My Doppleganger!

2007-01-04T21:47:00.000-05:00

I think I've mentioned on here before how I seem to have a good "everyman" face, as I am frequently mistaken for other people. Although it's happened before, I had one of the more interesting mistaken identity encounters earlier this week. It went something like this:

Me [sitting on a bench at the courthouse, shuffling through some papers]
Strange Woman: Kenny! There you are! Kenny...
Me [assuming - incorrectly - that she must be addressing someone else, continue organizing my documents]
SW: Kenny? What are you doing...Oh, you're not Kenny!
Me: Oh, sorry....no, I'm not Kenny....
SW: Well, if you sit like that for too much longer, everyone will think you're Kenny
Me [completely lost for words]: uh.......

And then she walked off.

Unfortunately, I was in a pretty big hurry, or else I would have certainly remained sitting there a while longer to see if anyone else mistook me for "Kenny." What if some ruffians were out to get Kenny, but took out their aggressions on my instead? How about if Kenny's wife had walked up and began to gently massage my shoulders and whisper dirty secrets in my ear? What if Kenny himself had arrived? I feel like some sort of duel to the death would have ensued. Preferably with sabres. There can be only one!

Too bad we'll never know.

This Week's Sign that the World is Coming to an End...

2007-01-04T21:34:00.000-05:00

There's a group on facebook entitled "I'm sick of white trash informing me my collar is up...No shit it's popped!" It's basically a support group for collar poppers. So, anyway...

Happy New Year from the Trunk Monkey!

2006-12-31T11:40:00.001-05:00

I Am Not Alone

2006-12-29T22:45:00.000-05:00

Oh, how I love all the "Best of" and "Worst of" lists that inevitably pop up this time each year. This one from msnbc.com, lists and then discusses the worst songs of '06:
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/16300742/

I really only take issue with two of the picks - not that the songs area great, but I feel there are worse ones out there - but aside from that I think it's pretty much dead-on. Best quotes from the explanations....

On Fergie's "London Bridge" - "To be fair, this song isn’t quite as annoying as last year’s 'My Humps.' (But what is?)"

And on Hinder's "Lips of an Angel" - "This song sounds like it was scooped from Nickelback’s septic tank."

Great stuff

Drawing a total blank....

2006-12-28T20:37:00.000-05:00

What a downer to come right off of Christmas only to be greeted with the news of the passing away of President Ford. Not that I was even alive when he was president, but from what I know about him, he was a good guy. And pardoning Nixon took serious balls.

But in my brain's typical "find a tangent no matter how slight" fashion, I started thinking about Saturday Night Live - the presidential portrayals to be exact. If memory serves me, Chevy Chase was the first cast member to accept the challenge, bringing Ford to the late-night small-screen in all his prat-fall glory. Dana Carvey's George Bush was legendary. Phil Hartman's Clinton was already outstanding, but then Darrell Hammond came along and took the role to new levels. Will Farrell's W? What can you say, other than "strategery"?

However, this raised a couple of questions in my mind. Aside from the obvious, "why can't they find an even half-way passable Bush since Ferrell's departure?" is this: Who played Carter? And perhaps even more importantly, who played early-Reagan (come on, the man was Commander-in-Chief for 8 years and oversaw the falling of the Iron Curtain)?

I feel I've seen a decent number of classic SNL episodes, but I cannot for the life of me ever recall seeing a Jimmy Carter skit. I know I've seen a few Hartman-as-Reagan sketches, but Hartman didn't even join the cast until 1986 (thanks Wikipedia!).

Anyway, I know that's kind of random, but it's been on my mind all day. Was there a 8-year embargo on White House lampoonery? Maybe I should dig a little deeper into Wikipedia....

Holiday Spirit

2006-12-18T22:26:00.000-05:00

I've found it especially difficult to get into the Christmas spirit this year. I think it's safe to attribute this to two specific factors: 1) Since I'm no longer in school, there's no extended "winter break," which, let's face it would be pretty awesome right about now regardless of religious affiliation; and 2) despite the fact that I no longer live in Miami, I nonetheless step outside on December 18th to see the thermometer flashing a decidedly non-festive "75 F."

However, I think I may have found a suitable cure:

That's right...it's the "A Charlie Brown Christmas" Soundtrack CD! This is, quite possibly, the best Christmas album ever created.

Childhood nostalgia: check
Timeless characters we all know and love: check
Great music: check

Anyone who's seen the cartoon special (i.e., 95% of everyone in America) remembers how important the music was in setting the tone of the story. But even if you're part of the other 5% who has somehow managed to avoid this holiday standard your entire life, I highly recommend this CD for the musical performances alone. Vince Guaraldi and the boys definitely do it up right, and new this year is the remastered edition with several bonus track/alternate takes.

You won't be disappointed, if you have a soul. Otherwise, I make no guarantees.

**EDIT**
Yeah, I realize now that the last line of this post makes no sense and actually comes off a little creepy, but there's a simple explanation for that. Originally, I had included a sentence about how that CD "would touch the very essence of your soul," or something to that effect. Thus the "soul" theme had been established, and the last line was there to bring it all together.

However as I neared completion, I said to myself, "Self, you know that sounds like your trying a little too hard to be Will Farrell-as-James Lipton." So I took out the first part and thus shattered the whole "soul" motif.

Then I completely forgot to change the ending.

So there you go. Merry Christmas, you soul-less bastards!

Rolling Stone Shoutout! (Alternately titled: The Bill Harper Story)

2006-12-09T21:54:00.000-05:00

So I was flipping through the latest edition of Rolling Stone today, when I saw something completely unexpected...a story focused on New Bern! Of course, the story is about how large hog farms are ruining the environment, corrupting local politics, and forcing family farms out of business, so it's not exactly a flattering article. It also refers to New Bern as "tiny," and mentions its proximity to "the densest concentration of hogs in the world." But hey, was there an article about the town you grew up in this month? I thought not!

There's also a photo of the locally-infamous "Mexican Imports" sign. For those who don't know - and there is absolutely no reason why you should - Mexican Imports is a sort of antique/junk/rare goods shop just outside of New Bern, about a mile from the house I lived in during middle school. The owner, a man named Bill Harper, is a bit of a....well, let's just say an "eccentric" fellow. In the '90s he decided to construct a large wooden billboard on the property of the store, just so he could spell out whatever happened to be his latest grievance with the government.

Not surprisingly, many local politicians weren't too happy about being called idiots on a large sign in big block letters on the side of a major highway. So then the lawsuits started. Not wanting to come across as anti-free speech, they took the zoning-violation approach in trying to bring the sign down. Harper's response? Build a make-shift shack ON TOP OF the 20+ ft-high sign, and LIVE THERE until the politicos backed off (the bottom of the shack is visible in the RS photo; sorry, can't find a link for an online version).

Eventually, though, he came down unharmed, and years later ran his own campaign for county commissioner (he even managed to get himself elected at one point). The sign remains today, informing the citizens of any little government misdeed.

Anyway, the Rolling Stone is the one out now with Snoop Dogg on the cover.
The infamous sign can be found here.
I honestly don't know what Bill Harper's up to these days.

Here's Some Music, Jerks

2006-12-04T21:05:00.000-05:00

I love record stores. I'm not talking about the music departments at Best Buy or Target, or online browsing through Amazon or iTunes (although I've bought music from each of those establishments). I mean good, old fashioned locally-owned record shops.

The blaring music from some band you've never heard of. The kid behind the counter in the black t-shirt who thinks he's way too cool to talk to you. The CD's separated by cheap plastic dividers with the artists' names hand-written on them. That one back corner devoted entirely to local bands, and the other one where you can buy albums on vinyl. No 50-ft posters of Fergie enticing me to pick up a copy of "The Dutchess."

I found myself in just such a place on Saturday afternoon, just browsing. Stores like that have music from bands like this:

Kyle Andrew - Amos in Ohio
Hacienda Brothers - Cowboys to Girls
Grabba Grabba Tape - Dr Groxtronix and Lil Kul Lo
Tim Easton - Not Today
Standard - Red Drop
The Wrens - She Sends Kisses
Roman Candle - Something Left to Say
Over the Atlantic - Starsign
Cities - Writing on the Wall (isan remix)
Band of Horses - The First Song

Poor Michael Richards...(Not Totally Work-Friendly)

2006-11-29T22:13:00.000-05:00

Deep down, I'd really like to think Michael Richards is a good guy who just lost control and made a mistake. But with that said, I can't help but laugh my ass off at this:

**Edit**
I seem to be having some trouble with the embedded player on this one. Here is the normal link to the clip.

Getting Hyped Up for Football! (Next Season)

2006-11-27T23:28:00.000-05:00

Sure, there's plenty of great football left to be played this year, but the UNC PR machine is already moving full speed ahead on 2007. Here is the greeting from Butch Davis that was emailed out to the alums today.

And on a sidenote, does anyone else think Butch sort of looks like that monotone politician character Will Forte plays on Weekend Update on SNL every once in a while? Just a thought.

The Gritty, Dangerous World of Real Estate Law

2006-11-16T21:56:00.000-05:00

Let's face it: when a large part of your law practice consists of prosecuting home foreclosures, you're pretty much never the "good guy." Often "success" means putting a family out on the streets. And the stories....my God, the stories. I'd say about 25% - 30% of the cases I see involve folks who admit they've missed some payments, but it was only because of illness, death in the family, or getting laid off. It is not fun.

Sometimes, however, these otherwise heart-wrenching matters are given a little jolt when the homeowners start threatening me with bodily harm. This is actually a rare occurrence, but I do always look forward to seeing what kind of creative schemes these people can cook up on the spot to toss in my direction.

My all-time favorite used to be a case I did about 5 months ago, when the guy threatened to stab the Clerk of Court and then come after me. There was nothing particularly poetic about the phrasing of his threat, but the graphic attention to detail was impressive. However, that one has been moved to number two after what happened today.

Let me set this up for you: the man showed up to the hearing, visibly enraged before we even started. Even out in the lobby of the courthouse, he was already ranting like a madman. When the hearing started, he revealed his basic argument: he wasn't denying that he had missed payments; he was saying the bank shouldn't have made him pay while he was in prison. Fair enough. But then he said the greatest line I have heard since I started this job. And I quote:

"I've killed a man by running him over with my truck...and don't think I won't do anything I can to save my house now!"

I guess I should really start looking both ways before I cross the street.

Pittens and Kuppies!

2006-11-16T21:53:00.000-05:00

Here. Enjoy. Maybe winged gerbils are next!

UNC Football: This Could Get Interesting...

2006-11-13T20:46:00.000-05:00

Well, it's official. Butch Davis is the guy. I predict a 10 - 2 record by 2009, with a 3-year probation beginning in 2010. Is it worth it? Totally!

Well....The Jerk Store Called, and They're Running Out of You!

2006-11-12T18:24:00.000-05:00

Much like Mr. Costanza, I hate it when I think of the perfect thing to say or do after the opportunity has passed. This seems to happen to me a lot, but witty comebacks are just the tip of the iceburg. Anyway, I was sitting in my living room this afternoon watching the oh-so-entertaining Chargers/Bengels game, when I heard a knock at my door.

A prostitute in training who wants to practice just a little more before she starts charging? No, but close. It was actually two girls selling magazine subscriptions. If you have been to college and/or seen the movie Office Space, then you know how this deal works. The sellers are going door-to-door trying to accumulate "points," which they can later redeem for a scholarship, a trip to Europe, etc. The details usually vary slightly, but the basic concept is always the same.

Of course I recognized this scheme immidiately, and as I was anxious to get back to the game, I politely but firmly told them I wasn't interested, and they were on their way. But as I made my way back to my couch, it occured to me - what a wasted chance to totally mess with their heads! They interupted my football viewing, so shouldn't I be entitled to some type of entertainment as part of the meeting?

I think so...and here's how I picture it:

[knock, knock, knock]

Me [getting up, answering the door]: hi...how's it going?

Seller#1: Great! And we're here to offer you a great opportunity!

Seller#2 [just smiling, doesn't say anything....but she is holding the tell-tale laminated cards, which are a dead giveaway as to what they are here for]

Me [internally: dammit, I'm missing the game to deal with this! I better get something out of it! I know just the thing....]: Well, it's a little chilly out here....why don't you come in and we can talk?

S1: Oh, thank you....we have been outside all day...[enters apt]

S2 [still silent, same awkward "I'm new at this and I don't really know what's going on yet" smile....follows S1 inside]

[Slam!]

[Lock!]

Me: HAHAHA...the trap is sprung!

S1, S2 [stunned looks]

Me: No, I'm just kidding around...so tell me about this great deal...

S1 [nervous laughter]: OK, well we're here to offer you some fantastic deals on some of the most popular magazines...

S2 [no longer smiling, remains silent]

Me: Great...there are actually a couple of magazines I've been thinking about getting lately! Do you have anything for, uh, "alternative lifestyles?"

S1: We have a wide selection of gay & lesbi.....

Me: No, no, no....a little more alternative than that....

S1: Um, we do have some transgender, trans....

Me: Anything MORE alternative?

S1: I really don't know what you mean....

Me: You don't know me at all, do you!? Did last night mean nothing?!

S2 [visibly terrified]

S1: Uh, last night? We just met like 2 minutes ago! What are you talking about?!

Me: Oh, that's so "you." Now I remember why I feel for you all those many years ago.....

S1: What the hell are you talking about?!

Me [just stares]

S1: OK, look nevermind....I'm gonna step out and call my manager to see what we can do about these "alternative" mags [steps out, closes door behind her]

Me [to S2]: You know she's gonna screw you, right?

S2 [shyly]: what?

Me: Oh, geez, you really have no idea how this works. OK, you seem nice, so I'm gonna help you out. I've had 4 years of college and 3 years of grad school, and I've seen this a thousand times. You start doing this because it seems like a good way to help pay for school or something, then they pair you up with someone [using finger quotes] "with a little more experience, to help you get on your feet." Let me guess, you're the new one, and your friend there has done it before?

S2: well, yeah, this is my first time, and she did it last year, so she's helping me out....

Me: Yep, that's how it always goes...they find some sweet, naive freshman to do all of the work, but at the end of the year, the payoff is all her's....they'll give you some BS story about how "the two of you earned enough for only one scholarship, and since she's been here longer, it's really only fair that it should go to her"....seen it a thousand times

S2: No, no, she would never...

Me: A thousand times...

S2: No, when she gets back, I'll get her to explain how it really works, and.....

Me: And what? She's gonna say I'm full of crap. What else would she say? If you know the truth, then she loses her patsy....she'll say anything to keep you around! Take my advice, just walk away, while you can...

S2: But, I don't know....

Me: Well, there is one other way....no, no, nevermind, I don't think it's for you....you'd be better off just leaving....

S2: What is it? I've already put in so much time....I don't want to walk away with nothing...

Me: Uh, how do I put this? If something were to [more finger quotes] "happen" to her, then the payoff would be all yours

S2: No, I could never.....

S1 [re-enters as she hangs up her cell phone]: OK, it looks like we have Barnyard Be....

Me: That's OK. I'm really not interested in any magazines after all.

S1: What!? After all of that you're not even going to buy anything?!

Me: No, I really have all the magazines I need, now that I think about it

S1 [turns angrily to leave, mumbles a barely-audible "unbelievable"]

S2 [turns to follow, but glances back at me with a look of uncertainty]

Me [points to S1, makes that thumb-across-the-throat slashing motion, and then silently nods]

....And scene!

Now that would've been worth the price of admission. A little dark, certainly, but nobody gets hurt (probably). I honestly have no idea if the magazine thing is a scam, but just planting that idea in her head would likely ensure that the hilarity doesn't stop just because they left my place. Plus the moral of the story is perfectly clear: DON'T WASTE MY VALUABLE TIME WITH POINTLESS CRAP.

Yeah, that would've been so much better.

2006-11-11T22:17:00.000-05:00

Maybe This Scene Will Make it into Super-Special Editions

Jack's Back!

2006-11-08T20:53:00.000-05:00

Here is the trailer for the new season of 24 that starts in January. It looks, as expected, quite awesome.

The September Sessions (Songs from October)

2006-11-04T18:51:00.000-05:00

Have you ever tried to make a list of the best songs of all time? So many things to think about. Trying to consider so many intangible elements, balancing your own personal tastes against true artistic merit, weighting song writing/composition against recorded performance....not an easy task.

Many of these factors would also come into play if you were trying to make a list of the worst songs of all time. However, creating a "worst of" list would be at least slightly easier than its "best of" counterpart due to the fact that at least two of the worst songs ever written/performed/recorded have emerged just in the past few months. The first is "London Bridge" by Fergie. The other: "Fergielicious," also by Fergie.

My problems with Fergie are nothing new. But while I found her previous work with the Black Eyed Peas generally tolerable - except for "My Humps," which would undoubtedly also make the "worst of" list - the "music" she has produced during her relatively brief solo career has been among the most mind-numbing, objectional sounds I've ever had the misfortune of hearing.

And the worst part of it is not that it's just pointless crap, but that it's a poor imitation of pointless crap. Everything Fergie has done is straight out of the Gewn Stefani playbook. It's like she was sitting there with her producer listening to "holla-back girl," and suddenly blurted out, "yeah, let's make the album sound just like that...only much, much worse!"

And have you seen that Verizon V-Cast commercial where that one dude is totally rocking out to "Fergielicious" on his phone? What a tool! I understand it's tough to make it in television, but if I ever did a commercial like that I would seriously consider taking my own life. Just watching it on TV makes want to chug a bottle of Draino.

Anyway, here are some songs that won't make you contemplate bodily harm:

Ben Kweller - Sundress
Decemberists - O Valencia!
Our Lady of the Highway - Duet
Hem - Not California
Adult Swim & Stones Throw - Monkey Suite
The Killers - When You Were Young
The Lemonheads - Become the Enemy
The Wrens - Hopeless
Beachhouse - Master of None
The Weepies - Take it from Me
Roman Candle - You Don't Belong to this World
Adam Arcuragi - 1981

Catch-Up, Catch-All Post

2006-11-01T20:11:00.000-05:00

OK, so I've been kind of lazy with the postings lately. Here are a few things that have been on my mind:

First of all, I'm not moving. There was no way I could accept a transfer to any of the places my boss suggested. But instead of just being a dick and saying "no...screw you and your relocational musings!" I played it as diplomatically as I could. I suggested it might work out if I moved to Raleigh. My boss's response, and I quote, "No, that would make things worse." So, here I shall stay (for now).
Geez, I hate politics. This John Kerry speech snafu has been the last straw for me, so I'm just gonna toss out two quick points: 1) If your last name is not Bush, Cheney, or Rumsfeld, and you found the "botched joke" offensive, you need a good hobby...you seriously have too much time on your hands; and 2) If your name is John Kerry, you proved throughout the 2004 Presidential campaign that you are neither funny nor entertaining when you speak, so you need to stop trying....you seem like an intelligent, hard working guy, so just go with that angle.
The other night I had a dream that I was eating at Waffle House with Owen Wilson, Viggo Mortensen, and Jeremy Piven. At one point someone (I think it was Piven) suggested we skip out on the bill when the waitress wasn't looking. At the right time we all fled towards the door, ran to the parking lot, and hopped on the backs of our waiting ostriches. Those things can move!
Oh, one more political thing - nothing makes me more angry than when politicians resort to the "if you disagree with me, then you're anti-American/unpatriotic/pro-terrorists/etc." That is the weakest fucking argument you can possibly use. Right now the Republicans are resorting to this tactic more often, but the Dems are in no way innocent. This country was founded on the idea of hearing every viewpoint, then collectively acting on the best ones. Having the right to disagree with the majority is quintessentially American...not the opposite.
I've become obsessed with finding a good, easy-to-prepare paella recipe. There are no Spanish restaurants around here, and I haven't had really good paella since that amazing little Spanish place I ate at in Bath, England in the summer of '03.
This article was on The Onion the other day: Larry Coker Fights For His Job By Swinging Helmet At Athletic Director, Chancellor. My favorite quote has to be "'What happened was unfortunate and does not reflect our character as a team or my philosophy as a coach,' said Coker, grasping the helmet by the faceguard and delivering repeated blows to Shalala's face and neck." If you've ever had to deal with Donna Shalala, then you understand.
I found out my friend Jenn from college has a blog called "Why am I not Surprised?" and it's now on link list on the side of this page. Give it a read. You'll enjoy.

That's all for now...

Be Careful What You Wish For?

2006-10-24T22:07:00.000-04:00

In case you haven't noticed, I've been doing a lot of bitching lately about how my current living situation isn't quite doing it for me. Well, this afternoon, I came out of a hearing to find that I had a voicemail from my boss saying he had "something kind of big" to talk to me about before I went home for the day.

As it turned out, he's thinking about relocating me. Apparently I'm actually pretty good at what I'm doing, and he wants me to cover a broader area of the state (at no point did me mention anything about upping my salary, so I hesitate to use the word "promotion").

But here's the problem - the 3 or 4 cities he mentioned off the top of his head as we talked are infinitely more crappy than Wilmington. They are all places I occassionally have to visit for particular cases, and they are all places I very much look forward to leaving at the end of the day.

So what to do?

On a scale of 1 to 10, my social life currently sits at about 2.5. If I move to any of those cities, it could very well dip into the negative...but I would be "advancing my career" or something like that. If I say no and stay here - where things aren't great, but not necessarily bad either - I'm sure that would make me "not a team player" to the partners, and the next time a big promotion opens up they'll likely look to someone else.

And my boss wants an answer tomorrow.

Sleep may not happen tonight.

Making the Breathalyzer Obsolete

2006-10-22T14:28:00.000-04:00

It's been awhile since I've had a chance to toss anything new up here. Two weeks ago I was trying to get ready for the big State College trip, then there was the trip itself, and finally when I got back to NC (at 11:00 Sunday night) I found out I had been assigned to cases involving land in two counties about 5 hours away, instead of the cases 1 hour away that had been on my schedule when I left. So, to everyone who's been missing me, I do apologize for the absense*.

So for my return to posting, my first thought was to do a trip recap, but that was already thouroughly covered here by The Brewer Patriot. Then I thought about maybe doing a little observation post on the trip - forgo the main points, and just talk about some of the random little things I noticed that no one else likely did.

For instance, the black guy sitting behind me on the bus who talked like a redneck white dude - he was dropping the n-bomb 2 or 3 times per sentence, and until I finally glanced back and realized he was actually black, I thought I may be an unwilling particiapant in a race riot. Or the girl sitting beside me on the same bus, who was totally cute in a non-intimidating, girl-next-door kind of way - when I tried to talk to her I was engulfed in her terrible breath...like something had crawled in her mouth and died....no, no, like something had crawled in her mouth, taken an enourmous crap down her throat, and then died. Or the girl in the G-Man who had lived in Wilmington for a year - and in 5 minutes of takling, basically verified every single fear and concern I've had about this place.

I could've written entire pieces about any of those, but in the meantime I discovered something much more interesting and entertaining - my own physical transformations when my body comes into contact with intoxicating beverages. Hey, if you can't laugh at yourself....

The realization that my body actually goes through alcohol-induced changes came to me as I stared to get my hands on pictures from last weekend, and from my Charlotte trip a few weeks back. Now, I can't say that this came as a total surprise. Anyone that regularly drinks and/or just hangs out in bars knows that most drunks exhibit some common attributes - slouching, glazed-over eyes, etc.

But I was mostly shocked at the degree at which these changes occur in myself in relation to the amount of alcohol consumed. Contrary to what these pictures may suggest, on neither of the nights in question was I out-of-my-mind drunk. No throwing up, passing out, memory loss, nasty hangovers on any of these. Honestly, these were typical "just going to hang out and have a couple of drinks" nights.

Observe:

That's me on the far right, the night I got into State College.

As I recall, this shot was taken as we waited for our first beers of the night to be served. Pay particular attention to the eyes (focused, generally normal-looking) and the hair (parted to the side, a little shaggy in the front, the way I've worn it since I was about 4).

Now check this out:

From the very same night, just a few hours and a few drinks later.

First the eyes - I clearly know I'm being photographed because of the retarded expression on my face, yet my eyes seem to be having a bit of trouble locking onto the camera (righty seems to be drifting nose-ward). And check out that hair. Did someone do an Aquanet-driveby when I wasn't paying attention? And then I wonder why I have a hard time meeting girls at the bars....

But then I started to think, "hmmm, it was probably just that night...by that point I had been on two airplanes, a taxi, and a Greyhound bus, so I bet travel-weariness played a part!" Though alas, that does not seem to be the case. Here's another picture from just a few weeks prior, taken on a day with no long-distance travel involved whatsoever:

Different friends. Nicer clothes. Same eyes. Same hair.

I can't even imagine how bad I would look if I really went on a bender. I feel like I need to see if I can do something about this...not give up drinking, or anything drastic like that, though. Maybe a new haircut? Maybe get the same type of haircut, but just stop going to SuperCuts? Neither one of those would probably be a bad move on my part. As for the eyes, that might be trickier....

*Actually, A) I doubt anyone really missed me, and B) I owe you nothing!

Let's Speculate About My Future!

2006-10-09T20:05:00.000-04:00

Today at work I was researching a chain of title to a piece of land when I stumbled onto a fun little distraction. The Mecklenburg County Register of Deeds website has a section called "Fun Facts," where, among other things, you can look up the first name of the person you're most likely to marry. And since all of my friends are getting married these days, and I don't even have a girlfriend, I decided to give it a shot. Here are my top 5 matches:

Jennifer
Kimberly
Julie
Amy
Michelle

(Sorry to any Heathers, Deborahs, or Dawns who were holding out hope for me)

So then I started to think, if I did marry a Jennifer, who would it be? Jennifer Aniston? Jennifer Lopez? Gov. Jennifer Granholm of Michigan? There certainly are quite a few to choose from.

However, I think there would be a big downside to me ending up with a Jennifer - that the name is just a little too similar to my own. Hear me out on this one. Look how effortlessly the following phrases just role off the tongue: "We should have Jon and Jenn over for dinner," "Jon and Jenn just got back from Uganda," and "No I would never have a threesome, unless it was with Jon and Jenn."

I just feel like I would have to give up a large amount of my individuality if I were to marry a Jennifer. And can you image if one or both of us were famous? "Joniferr" is way too easy. I don't think I could deal with that.

Sorry, Jennifer.

**Update**
Shortly after I poseted this, I had to give the good folks at T-Mobile a call to straighten out a problem with my account. The customer service rep who helped me out was named Jennifer. I thought that was kind of funny.

I Need a New "Thing"

2006-10-08T22:45:00.000-04:00

Everybody has a "thing." It's that one hobby that you can count on them devoting at least one day out of the weekend to doing. The type of activity that they occasionally will go out of town for, because some other place somewhere else is better for that thing than here.

For some people it's golf, or poker, or hiking, or hunting, or one of a million other things. For me, at various points in my life it's been surfing, running 5Ks, triathlons, playing guitar, and I'm sure a few others that have slipped my mind for the moment. And don't get me wrong, I still enjoy all of those things. You just reach a point sometimes when you've run the same trail so many times, or you've been playing the same type of music so much that you need a shake-up.

I just sort of feel like I'm stagnating, and I think a new "thing" may be good for me. I'm open to suggestions. Feel free to discuss.

Pardon My Noise - It's the Sound of Freedom

2006-10-01T20:15:00.000-04:00

Have you ever had one of those moments where a song comes on, and it just happens to be the perfect soundtrack to whatever is going on just then? Sort of like, if your life were a movie, that song is precisley what would be playing in the background of that particular scene? I had one of those the other day. I was driving home from work one afternoon when Radiohead's "Let Down" came on, and it created a very surreal moment. The time of day, my mood, the traffic around me...everything just kind of meshed suddenly when that song came on. Maybe one of these songs could do the trick for you:

Razorlight - In the Morning
Goodnight Monsters - 20 Fingers 20 Toes
Van Dreissen - Ms. Charlotte
Portastatic - And I was a Boy from School
The Weepies - Gotta Have You
Levy - In the Woods
The 1900s - Bring the Good Boys Home
I'm from Barcelona - We're from Barcelona
The Kiss Offs - Love You Hardcore
Under the Influence of Giants - Mama's Room
Our Lady of the Highway - Fine Dancer
The Capes - Shinjuku Hi 5
The Benevento Russo Duo - Soba
I Love You But I've Chosen Darkness - Lights
The Whitest Boy Alive - Burning
Cities - Capitol
My Brightest Diamond - Golden Star
Snowden - Anti-Anti

To the Couple Having Sex in the Men's Room of the Pitt County Courthouse Today:

2006-09-29T21:35:00.000-04:00

Are you kidding me? You can't wait until you get home? That's all.

A Happy Post that Goes, Terribly, Terribly Wrong in the End

2006-09-28T21:31:00.000-04:00

EDITOR'S NOTE: I had started and nearly finished this post before I learned how tragically one of these little anecdotes concluded. It was SUPPOSED to be a counter to my depressing last post...a sort of "how to find joy in life's little everyday occurrences" piece. But unfortunately, this one does not have a happy ending either. Oh well, maybe one of these days....

I love randomness. There are few things in life that make me any happier than when crazy unexpected things just happen out of nowhere (not things like "Uncle Charlie had a stroke this morning!" but more along the lines of "that homeless man on the corner gave ME money!" You get the idea.) Today I had the opportunity to witness three separate such situations, each brought a huge smile to my face....right after the initial "what in the world just happened" feeling subsided.

The first happened on my way to work this morning. I had morning hearings in Onslow County, which means a trip up my favorite (heavy sarcasm here) stretch of highway, US 17. For those who don't know, this particular stretch of road is long, flat, straight, and generally as non-scenic as a road can be. About half way to Onslow, though, I noticed something on the edge of the highway. Something BIG.

As it was still pretty early, traffic was light, and I could slow down without pissing anyone behind me off. Soon I was beside the object, just barely coasting, and I could not believe my eyes - it was an alligator....a big alligator...no, no, wait....A BIG FUCKING ALLIGATOR. If this were Miami, I wouldn't be totally shocked. But here in NC, we don't get too many of these critters, and I've never even heard of one this large being sighted. In fact, I've lived here most of my life and this is the first I've ever seen in the wild around here. I remember growing up, it seemed everyone knew someone who knew someone who had seen one while boating or fishing, but firsthand accounts were very rare.

"So there you go," I thought, and then I continued on towards Jacksonville......

I parked my car at the courthouse, gathered my things, and began to head inside. Before I reached the door, however, I was stopped by a man who looked to be in quite a panic. "I need help," he said as he approached, his voice slightly quivering. "Can you tie a tie?" The fact that I was wearing one must have tipped him off.
"Yeah," I responded.
"Thank God. Do you mind tying mine?"
"Sure, no problem. But I don't have a mirror so it may not look just right," I said (while I thought to myself "OK, this is a little weird")

So I did the best I could, mirror-less and in a hurry. I loosened the knot and slipped it over my head without untying it, and handed it to the man. He pulled it over his head and tightened it to his collar.
"This is WAY too short!" he shouted, then angrily stormed off......

Things wrapped up in Onslow around lunchtime, and I made my way over to the Subway which in conveniently located only a few hundred yards from the courthouse. If you've been to Subway lately, you may have noticed they've changed the steak they use in their sandwiches (perhaps only temporarily; they're doing a steak promotion right now). Where before it was more of what I would call "Philly" style (finely chopped, almost shredded), it is now much heartier chunks like you would find in a beef stew or a can of Alpo dogfood. I've had the new steak, and it's good. It's different than before, but good.

The guy in front of me in line, though, was apparently not aware of the change. He ordered a steak and cheese, picked his bread, his cheese, and started to make his vegetable and condiment selections. But when the poor guy making the sub got the steak out of the microwave, and the customer saw that it was not the old kind, things exploded!
"Whoh, whoh, whoh...what is THAT!"
"This is our new steak. Subway sends us this kind now for the new sandwiches."

Well, to the customer, that response may as well have been "Here you go, sir, I took the liberty of urinating on your sandwich. I hope you don't mind. I also got a diseased prostitute out back to lick your bread, but I won't charge you extra for that." He demanded the old style of steak, and when told they didn't have any, he cancelled his order and furiously left the store.

I ordered my sandwich - the steak and cheese - and made my way down the line to pay. Just then a woman walked in and approached the counter.
"Steak and cheese, please"
"Yes, ma'am...and what type of bread would you...."
"Whoh, whoh, whoh...what is THAT!"

As I exited the building, she walked out right behind me, with no sandwich. She too had called off the order upon seeing the new steak. The staff was stunned. I enjoyed my sub even more.

Bravo, Life. Bravo.

And the sad conclusion....
When I got home, I started looking at local news websites to see if there was a story about the alligator. I figured an animal that size hanging out along a major highway was a newsworthy event. And it was....BECAUSE SOME JERKOFF RAN OVER THE ALLIGATOR AND KILLED HIM. Here's the story. That magnificent beast was 12 feet long, and approximately 85 years old. Can you imagine what such an animal had done and been through in his life. Scrapping out a living in a not-so-alligator-friendly environment, and managing to reach that size. Clearly an apex predator in that area...I can only imagine he must have lived off hunting deer. I can't think of anything else around here that could sustain such a creature. And then to die because some careless moron can't drive. How do you not see the TWELVE FOOT LONG 475 POUND ALLIGATOR in the road? I saw him from a good 300 yards or so away, and at that point he was in the grass! Kinda hard to miss. Sigh.

After the Sweet Buzz of the Weekend, the Nasty Hangover of Reality...

2006-09-24T21:04:00.000-04:00

I ended up making a Charlotte trip on Friday, and it resulted in a fantastic weekend. Caught up with some old friends, saw one of them get married off, watched some football, and took full advantage of the uptown nightlife. The trouble with such a great weekend, though, is that it can make your normal day-to-day life seem less than stellar by comparison. I'll go ahead and warn you, this entire post might be somewhat depressing, so I might end up taking it down if I look back after a day or so and it reads too much like a suicide note. Anyway during the 4-hour drive home Sunday afternoon, I seemed to have a million somewhat-related things running through my head, like:

- I'm not sure how much longer I can pretend to be happy about living in Wilmington. Don't get me wrong, Wilmington is a nice place. In fact, if I had to pick any city of less than 100,000 people to live in, this one would be high on the list. It's young, it's growing, it's near the beach...there's not a lot to dislike. The problem is that I want to live in a big city. That's what I wanted after I finished college (placing me in Miami), after I finished law school (sending me searching for a city other than Miami), and that's what I still want now. It just didn't happen to end up that way. And as hard as I've been trying to repress that feeling, being in Charlotte for a few days really stirred it up in me again. Did you know that Charlotte is actually bigger than Seattle, Boston, Las Vegas, Atlanta, and Miami? OK, that was random. But I just feel like I'm missing out on my chance for the big city experience. What if I'm 30 and I finally get promoted/change jobs/whatever and get moved to a city...just at the time everyone else is deciding it's time to move to the suburbs? Shit, you're only young once, and I just feel like I'm wasting it. Maybe I would hate it. Maybe I'd come running back to small town living as quickly as I could. But if never even try it, I could never really forgive myself.

- While I have lots of friends with "good jobs," I'm decidely more envious of my non-law friends' jobs than the ones my law friends have. Honestly, they're doing some pretty cool stuff. I've never been too shy (except to people at work...don't really want that one floating around the office) about expressing my general indifference to the practice of law, and getting together with my college friends reminds me why. I hear things like "when I get off at 5:00..." and "what are 'minimum billable hours?'" And not there's the whole money thing. Not that we ever specifically discuss salaries, but they all seem to be doing about as well financially as my law friends. Just being in their apartments, noticing what restaurants they suggest, etc, can give off plenty of clues. I'm seeing that 3 years of experience/promotions can put you in basically the same spot as 3 years of extra school when you also take into account the 3 years worth of student loans that you get to subtract from your salary each month. Sure, I know there's an element of "the grass is always greener" at work, but it's something I've been thinking about.

- I still have a fairly respectable alcohol tolerance. From around 10 PM Friday until about 10 am Sunday, I was sober for a grand total of probably 4.5 hours. Got into town - pregame, then to the bars. Saturday morning - beer and football. Saturday afternoon - open bar wedding reception....and then back to the bars. And overall, I didn't come out of it feeling nearly as bad as I thought I might. But on the other hand....

- Vault Energy Drink affects me in the same way as I imagine cocaine would. I rarely drink caffeine at all. Pretty much never. But about 3 hours into the drive up, it was getting late, and I decided to stop and get some food at Burger King. Vault was a part of the soft drink lineup, and I thought to myself, "hmmm, that should keep me wide awake for the rest of the trip!" Holy Shit! By the time I got in Charlotte I was shaking like a Parkinson's patient and talking like the Micro Machine Man. It took several beers just to bring me down to normal.

- Why do girls ___? What do they mean when they say ___? What about when they do ___? What was she thinking when she ___? What....? Fill in the blanks however you want. Those are questions that have no answers as far as I'm concerned. I'm just very confused. I just, uh...err....I've said too much already.

- Want to know how to start feeling depressed real fast? When you say, "This has been the most fun weekend I've had in months!" and the response is "Well this is how it is pretty most of the time here...except when there's not a wedding or something we just watch more football."

- Wedding season is now officially over for me, and crap do I have a LOT of married friends now. And I'm as happy as I can be for all of them. I really am. But I'm starting to feel like people are now getting certain expectations for the last of us single folk. "So, when are YOU gonna take the plunge?" They may not be saying it (except my mom - she actually says it) but they're thinking it. What about when these married folks start having kids? What if I'm still single when they have kids? What would my mom say about that?

These thoughts weigh heavy on my mind.

This is the type of band I would form if I could get 25 friends to sign on....

2006-09-17T20:02:00.000-04:00

2006-09-17T15:28:00.000-04:00

Surprisingly, This Works Amazingly Well

Wise Words Indeed

2006-09-17T12:14:00.000-04:00

Somehow, inexplicably, I've just now stumbled onto the "fake psa" section of the website for The Office. I really don't know how these have escaped my attention until now, but they are hilarious little spoofs of NBC's "the more you know" ads. Definitely worth checking out.

A Graphical Explanation of Why I Haven't Been Posting Much Lately

2006-09-15T21:13:00.000-04:00

My firm does business all over the state, and as such, the caseload is divided up by county. Ever since I started, I've been assigned to work on all the cases from these counties:

Last week, we had two people quit. Until we can hire some new folks, I'm responsible for the caseload from these counties:

Yesterday I got to see both the SC and VA borders (and numerous places in between) over the course of an 18-hour day. It was awesome*.

*This statement is actually a lie. It was not awesome at all.

Feeling Old

2006-09-11T22:28:00.000-04:00

I have some great neighbors at my apartment. We've been hanging out a lot more lately, and they're all good folks all around. The only thing - I'm not saying "problem," only "thing" - is that I've got almost three years on everyone else. Not that this should be an issue, and really it's not, but something happened the other night that made me feel really old.

I was at a small gathering across the hall, when I noticed a rather attractive young lady who didn't seem to be talking to anyone, so I went over to introduce myself (Side note: when I first noticed her, I thought to myself, "wow, she looks like a hotter version of a girl I dated in high school." Turns out she even had the same name as said girl. Irrelevant to this story, but pretty random nonetheless).

Anyway, the conversation eventually moved to the "so what do you do" phase, at which point she informed me she was a student at UNCW. Grad student? No. Fifth-year senior about to graduate? Try again. Nineteen year-old sophomore? Bingo.

Suddenly I felt like I may as well be about 43.

Not that that stopped me from talking to her, but it did make me feel kinda funny. (Side note #2: I don't think I've ever posted my "hitting on a younger girl in Ireland" story on here - probably one of the funniest/scariest/sketchiest days of life. I'm gonna check my archives for that one. If not, I'll definitely be sharing that one soon.)

UM Football Predictions

2006-09-05T18:05:00.000-04:00

I hope neither one of these comes to pass, but deep down I feel both will:

1) Larry Coker will not be the head coach at next season's kickoff

2) The average attendance figures for the '06 UM football team will rival the average attendance for the '06 Florida Marlins (not a good thing, in case you're not familiar with the pitiful support the Marlins typically receive)

A Tragic Loss

2006-09-04T19:08:00.000-04:00

I am devastated by the news of the death of Crocodile Hunter Steve Irwin, and my heart goes out to his family. This guy was a complete joy to watch on TV, and worked wonders in the name of wildlife conservation and public education. It's easy to forget these days with dozens of "up close and personal" wildlife shows out there, but when The Crocodile Hunter first debuted, no one else was doing what Steve was doing. The only animals that were ever handled were the cute cuddly ones, and the dangerous ones were always in cages or on leashes. Then came the Croc Hunter.

I remember my freshman year of college - when the show really started to take off - it became a viewing event in my dorm (rivaled only by Monday Nitro and Tar Heel away games). People would get together and marvel at what this man's passion, at animals they had never seen anyone get that close to, and at some animals they had never seen at all. And for all the theatrics, the moral of the story was very simple: respect for the environment, respect for the power of nature, and respect for all creatures, even if they're not of the cute and cuddly sort.

One of the most frequesntly spoken expressions at those dorm gatherings (and probably anywhere else the show was being watched) was "He is gonna kill himself one of these days if he keeps this up!" And tragically, that's exactly what happened today. Maybe it was inevitable. But if it's any consolation, he went out doing what he loved, and I for one don't think that's such a bad thing.

Sir Toggleberry's Unethical Excursion to the Uncharted Continent: August 2006

2006-09-04T18:00:00.000-04:00

I know you've all been in suspense over this month's edition of my favorite tracks post. "Why hasn't it been posted yet?," and "How will I know what I should be listening to now?" are the two most frequesntly asked questions I've been asked*. The first one is easy to answer: I spent the whole weekend at the beach, nowhere near my computer/internet. As for the second, here's what you should be listening to right now:

Chad Rex and the Victorstands: Cities by Hotels
The Muckrakers: Slip Away
Drag the River: Me and Joe Went Out to California
CL Smooth: American Me
Girlsareshort: Perfect Sound Always
Gin Blossoms: Learning the Hard Way**
Our Lady of the Highway: Lord Stop the Bar
Ghost Buffalo: Ruin Everything
Phillipians: New Inspiration
Kaki King: Yellowcake
Gomez: See the World
Barenaked Ladies: Easy***
Heartless Bastards: All the Time
Quantic: An Announcement to Answer
Carey Ott: January

*No one has actually asked me these, or any other questions regarding this post
**Yes, you read that right, the Gin Blossums are back!
***Same goes for the Barenaked Ladies

Tell Me All Your Thoughts on God....

2006-08-31T21:07:00.000-04:00

Lately, for no reason in particular, I've been thinking a lot about religious issues. And one overwhelming theme I keep coming back to - although I feel a little strange to admit it - is religion's potential to be a source/motivation of incredible evil. I don't like to think about it in that way, as the main point of pretty much every different religion out there is providing structure/morals/purpose to life, but sometimes it's hard to ignore. Anyway after I got all hyped up from reading Superbee's latest post, I felt like I needed to share something I witnessed today.

My job involves a lot of foreclosure work, which means I typically run into two types of people: the jerks who think they've found a way to "beat the system" and stop paying their mortgages (the fun foreclosures), and the good folks who just happen to have fallen on hard times and really need help (the sad foreclosures). Today I encountered one firmly in the latter category, and it was probably the most heartbreaking to me personally (Slight disclaimer: this isn't one my firm handled...I just happened to be at the courthouse on other business, and a friend of woman who was there for emotional support filled me on what was going on...he was very upset himself, and just wanted to talk to someone...I was the closest one).

Basically the this woman's husband ran off to California with his mistress, leaving her and 3 kids with nothing except for the bills. The wife busted her ass to make ends meet, and in the meantime sued her piece of crap husband for child support and a whole laundry list of other things which she rightfully deserved. Apparently the case was proceeding well for her, and things were starting to actually look up.

Then one day, the husband shows up and knocks on her door. He says that he has found Jesus, has "been saved," and is there to beg her forgiveness. Being devout Christian of the born-again variety herself, the wife follows the "WWJD" mentality and forgives him...and drops all of the pending lawsuits.

Right after the case was dismissed, the husband disappears again. Cleans out the bank accounts. Goes back to the mistress. He was faking the whole Jesus thing. He knew she would buy it, and saw it as his chance to get out of the lawsuit without a scratch.

The wife - although trying as hard as she can to support herself and the kids - can't keep up the mortgage payments, and the house falls into foreclosure. She tries to save the house, her friends try to help out, but no deal is struck. The sale was today. The woman showed up, along with her pastor and several friends, in hopes that maybe one of them could buy the house at auction. None of them had enough money. The bank now owns the house.

As soon as the sale was finalized, the group joined hands and began to openly weep and pray. Right there in the courthouse. They begged Jesus for hope and strength, and ask Him to help them understand why this was part of His plan.

My reaction to this scene was two-fold: Part of me wanted to go over and join their prayer circle, just knowing what this poor woman had been through. The other part of me though just wanted to yell "Open your eyes! Don't you see what happened? It was your blind faith that made a bad situation so much worse, and now all you're gonna do is just pray about it!?!"

It was that second part of me that had firmly gained the upperhand by the end of the episode. Standing there watching them pray and openly call out to Jesus, I started to feel like I do when I see a bunch of young talking about Santa Claus. It's like "Oh that's so sweet that they still believe...someday they'll learn how it really works, though."

And that scared the hell out of me. Have I really become that cynical? It's not like I'm anti-Jesus, but it just makes me mad to see people turn to the spiritual when they should be looking to the readily-available solutions in the physical world. I'm not saying ignore religious beliefs, but I think in a lot of cases religion should be a supplement to real-world devices instead of an alternative. How can you let this dirtbag off the hook just because he tosses around the J-word a few times? Are you really that naive? ARRRGGHHH!

OK, this is turning into a ramble, so I'll stop. Take it however you want.

2006-08-26T19:49:00.000-04:00

Dear Sony Corporation:

I have been a consumer of your fine products your a number of years. The very first CD player I ever had was on the Sony stereo I got when about 12 years old. A few years after that I got a Sony Discman for long car trips with the parents, and when I got my license and my own car (sans in-dash CD), I had one of those cassette tapes that plugged into the earphone jack. I'm not even going to go into how much time I've devoted to the Playstation. All fine products that have brought me much entertainment.

My motivation for writing you today, however, has nothing to do with any of those devices. It actually doesn't have anything to do with any of your products per se, but rather with your recent marketing campaigns for the PSP.

You see, we live in a society where video game mascots and pitchmen can become cultural icons. Mario and Luigi, Sonic the Hedgehog, Mr and Ms Pacman...celebrities all in their own right. If I were in charge of marketing a video game system, I think I would be aiming to come up with some sort of character to join the ranks of those previously-mentioned icons. Something to be the public face of the product. Something instantly-recognizable to the average guy on the street. Something you could make into an action figure and sell to kids. You get the idea.

That's why it bothers me - both as a consumer, and as someone who took several marketing classes in college - when I see your latest PSP commercials on television. Your "spokesman" is neither a kid-friendly Pikachu-type nor someone a little more for the older crowds like Master Chief. It is instead, what I can only describe as a huge wad of pubic hair....that talks with an exaggerated Mexican accent.

Are you kidding me? You're a well-respected multinational corporation...you must have quite a marketing budget at your disposal. And you spend it on this? I imagine that meeting must have gone something like this:

(In a modern, upscale conference room, several people in suits mill about making small talk as they wait for the Director of Marketing to arrive. Promo footage from a variety of Sony products plays on two enormous plasma screens on opposite walls. The skyline of the city is visible through the large window in the back of the room. Director enters.)

Director: Alright folks, let's get started. The PSP launch is coming up, and it's our job to get the word out. I want to hear some ideas....

Man in suit: I think we need a franchise figure....just look at what Pokemon did for the Gameboy...

Woman across the table: We've got to think about our target audience....the prime gaming demographic is getting older, and trends indicate....

Man #2 (who in my mind looks like John Karr, and talks like Dr. Mephisto from South Park): I say we use pubic hair....a big clump of it.....that talks....

(stunned looks are exchanged around the room)

Director (sits silently, stares down at nothing in particular, his expression indicates he is deep in thought; finally he looks up): Brilliant! I'll have our designers start working on concept art immediately!

(More stunned looks are shared; Man #2's creepy grin reveals a mouth full of yellowing teeth)

How it ended up with the accent is a different story entirely, but you get the idea. This whole concept is obviously the result of some bizarre mix of pervertedness and ineptitude, but I'm not sure which factor is the dominant one. Regardless, I find it both disturbing and disgusting.

You Don't Hate Babies, Do You?

2006-08-22T17:03:00.000-04:00

I'm not usually the type to get behind an online petition (although we did get Family Guy back on the air and the orginal Star Wars trilogy on DVD), but - in all seriousness - this is one I stumbled onto that I think could help address an extrememely important issue - the on-going genocide in the Darfur region of Sudan. This is something that has not gotten a tremendous amount of mainstream press coverage in the US, but by most accounts is a humanitarian crisis far worse than what's going on in Iraq and Afganistan right now.

Anyway, here's the link. Even if you don't want to sign it, though, I do urge you to at least google "darfur" and look at some of things that come up (here's a link for that, too, just to save you the time). I think just making people aware of what's happening could help immensely.

2006-08-21T21:30:00.000-04:00

Enjoy!

A Great Epic, In My Mind

2006-08-17T21:08:00.000-04:00

Rarely do I remember my dreams the morning after they happen. And when I can recall anything, it's usually just a little clip....something like, "I was playing frisbee with my dog, only it wasn't really my dog, and then I had to go to the DMV for some reason!" Not exactly the type of thing I would take the time to devote an entire post to.

However, last night something unusual happened. My dream not only played out like a somewhat-cohesive storyline, but I also remembered every single part of it in vivid detail upon waking up this morning. It actually played out much like a movie, and I'm quite convinced that should it ever be made into a movie, it would be at least as good as From Justin to Kelly*.

The tale begins innocently enough with me and a bunch of my friends at the beach. That in itself was cool because there were people there I knew from high school, college, law school, etc, that have never actually met each other in real life, but in the dream everyone knew each other and was hanging out. Someone suddenly had the idea that we should rent some 4x4s so we could drive down the beach to the mysterious lighthouse we could just barely see off in the distance. And in true dream-like fashion, there is of course a 4x4 rental place right next to our house. Off we went.

At first we cruised along without a care in the world, but then suddenly there was trouble. It seemed the sand was growing less and less stable the farther we drove, and eventually the ground could not even support the weight of the vehicles. We became hopelessly stuck. But at this point we were closer to the old lighthouse than we were to home, so we decided to continue on our on foot, thinking that maybe there would be someone at the imposing tower who could help us out.

To our dismay, the structure appeared abandoned from the outside, and the main door was padlocked closed. As we discussed our options, we barely noticed the gathering storm clouds behind us. With the first crackle of thunder it became apparent that there was no way to make it back home before the sky opened up on us. It quickly became obvious that our only hope for finding shelter from the storm was inside the lighthouse, and we began trying to find away around the lock. Fortunately, the chain on the lock was rusty from it's time spent exposed to the elements, and a few well-placed blows from some old bricks we found sent the chain dropping to the ground.

Once inside, we were amazed. What looked to be dilapidated and forgotten about from the outside was actually well maintained and quite luxurious within. The main attraction was an enormous gas fireplace in the center of the building, which provided some much needed warmth to the group as it had begun to rain on us as we worked on the lock. Well-stocked cabinets and comfy furniture put us in no hurry to leave this strange abode. The only problem - we had tripped the silent alarm when we busted the lock.

The sound of approaching police sirens brought out revelry to a screeching halt. Panic set in. The cops were there in no time, barking orders through megaphones, surrounding the lighthouse with weapons drawn. The sudden stress caused a rift among the group. Suddenly someone had an idea - steal one of the cop cars and escape to freedom! I, however, was not up for this. I wanted to try to escape on foot into the dense forest that surrounded the lighthouse grounds. I found myself vastly outnumbered, though, and only my friend Andy from high school agreed with my plan. The others were not to be persuaded, but as they charged wildly towards one of the parked police cruisers, it did provide the perfect diversion for me and Andy to escape into the woods.

After hours of wandering aimlessly through the thick brush, we started to recognize some of our surroundings. We had somehow made our way to the area near a small local college, and as luck would have it, it was orientation weekend. Lots of people, lots of opportunities to hide from the cops who we knew were still intent on bringing us in for our little breaking-and-entering stunt.

As we tried our best to blend in among the crowds, we spotted the boys in blue - they had tracked us to the college. Interestingly enough the leader of the squad of cops was Wade Williams from Prison Break, in his full "Capt. Bellick" glory. Just trying to act natural out on the quad wasn't going to cut it. We had to get indoors, and a nearby dorm provided the perfect opportunity.

It seems that some of the cops noticed us trying a little too anxiously to enter the building, and soon they were making there way there as well. Realizing we had inadvertently drawn attention to ourselves, Andy and I began to look for a place to hide out. An unlocked door at the end of the hall seemed like the perfect spot, but the cops pulled one of the dirtiest tricks in the book: One of them yelled out "Andy!" and, just out of instinct, Andy stuck his head out to see who was calling him (sort of like the scene in the stairwell in The Fugitive). Andy was busted, but being a true friend, he didn't rat me out as they dragged him off to jail. I owe you one, man.

The TV was on in the room I had ducked into, and station was abuzz with news reports about our now infamous lighthouse break-in. I learned then for the first time that the group who decided to commandeer the car had actually pulled it off - at first - but were now involved in a high speed chase on the freeway with an legion of law enforcement vehicles in hot pursuit. There was also an APB put out on me, as somehow it had been discovered that I was not among the group in the car and was still at large.

The artist's rendition of my face they were showing on the screen was spot-on, and I knew I may be in trouble. Rummaging through the room, I found some clothes to change into (the anchorman on TV had been describing precisely what I was last known to be wearing, and those were in fact the clothes I still had on at that point), and also noticed some electric clippers which I quickly employed for an instant buzz cut. Feeling I had changed my appearance as much as possible from the cops had last seen me, I felt like I had bought myself some time and began to contemplate my next move.

Meanwhile, the news continued to pour in through the TV. Andy was already in lockup downtown. The folks in the highway chase were all but finished. And they were telling everyone watching to be on the lookout for me. The latest reports were not only describing me physically, but also my habits and mannerisms, in hopes of giving people as much information as possible to help track me down.

But then the anchorman began to focus on something very odd. According to him, I could not stand to eat to fish. Now it is true that I am not a huge fan of fish, but for some reason the network had decided to do an entire expose on the topic. Apparently they considered my lack of desire for mahi such a strange trait that it would instantly give me away if I tried to go on the run.

This gave me an idea.

I left the dorm room, found some random hot girl, and said "I'm in the mood for some seafood...would you care to join me?" She eagerly accepted my invitation, and off we went to some place known for its great shrimp, confident that it was the last place anyone would look for me.

The End.

It was all very James Bond-like....to me, at least. Hell, I promised you From Justin to Kelly, not The Godfather. What did you expect?

*I've never actually seen From Justin to Kelly, but by all accounts, it is quite terrible and thus an apt comparison.

Episode 3.5, or Something Like That

2006-08-15T20:43:00.000-04:00

Work has been a beast lately, an as such, the blogging has suffered quite a bit. I do apologize to all (both) of my loyal readers. Anyway until I come back with something (meant to be) funny, creative, or original on my own, I ask you to direct your attention over to the website of Xpress Entertainment.

This group is putting together what looks to be a killer Star Wars fan-film, complete with an original story, detailed costumes, and real actors - they even landed Jeremy Bullock, who played Boba Fett in the original Trilogy. I've been known to check out a fan-film from time to time (don't act surprised; I've talked before about my unnatural love for all things Star Wars...oh, that wasn't surprise? It was pity? Yeah, that makes more sense) and most are very creative, some are actually pretty good, but very few have anything more than the most basic of production value.

Not these guys, though. Check out the concept art and promo banners. My favorite thing is the fact that the guy playing Chewbacca has his own personal costume. Err, no I take that back, my real personal favorite is the actress playing the part of Aliska Malii-Sin. Hottie!

I also admire how they are pulling out all the stops to avoid infringing any Lucasfilms copyrights. Despite the hours of work and planning that seem to have gone into this, a planned theatrical premier, and DVD release, the folks behind this endeavors don't want or expect to make a dime. They're doing it purely for the love of film and Star Wars.

That's something I can definitely support.

My 4th Grade Sense of Humor

2006-08-03T18:47:00.000-04:00

Driving along the other day, I came upon the small town of Beulaville, NC, one of the few signs of civilization in an otherwise sparesly-populated section of eastern NC. I was listening to the radio, thinking about the work I needed to finish up that afternoon, and generally not paying too much attention to this fairly quiet corner of the state I pass through from time to time. But then something caught my eye.

Jumping ahead in the story a little, it turns out that "something" was a homemade plastic banner, tied between two telephone poles, advertising a local consignment shop called "Ann's Wagon." It was brightly decorated, and the writing was done in funky free-hand design. Here is my poor rendition (sorry, I wasn't quick enough on the draw with the camera phone) of the intended effect they were going for with their sign:
Innocent enough. But there's a problem here - the designers of this banner did not take into account the exact location for the placement of their ad. See, the real-life patch of real estate on which this sign hangs also contains a street sign, which produces this effect:
Big difference.

I almost wrecked the car as my brain tried to figure out 1) what exactly an "anus wagon" was, and 2) why on earth this small, conservative, Mayberry-like town would openly advertise such a thing. Was it some type of kinky sex club? A bizarre proctology center? Something involving alien body-probes perhaps?

I had several long seconds to contemplate this riddle as I sat at the stop light immediately adjacent to this display. Only upon the light turning green did I have the chance to shift my perspective and see what the sign really said.

And even though I was a little disappointed to learn that there was, in fact, no anus wagon in Beulaville, the memory alone was enough bring on a good chuckle for the rest of the day.

Feed the Dog, Lock up the Kids, and send Granny to Bed...It's Time to Rock Out! July 2006

2006-07-31T21:20:00.000-04:00

A few weeks ago I was browsing ebay, looking for nothing in particular, when a certain auction grabbed my attention. The title was something to the effect of "The Complete Works of the Beatles Songbook." The opening bid - $0.99. So of course I did what any reasonable person would in such a situation, and threw down a bid. I assumed there was some sort of catch/hoax, but for 99 cents, I was willing to take a chance.

When the auction ended a few hours later, I got an email saying I had won, and instructing me to paypal the money. In return, I would receive an email with special link to download my item.

Download? Yeah, it was not a physical book I had just purchased, but instead one enormous .pdf file containing guitar tabs for basically every song the Beatles ever recorded. But for 99 cents I really wasn't too disappointed considering it would take me hours of time online to find and put together such a collection for myself.

My point (and, yes, there is one): I've been working my way through that huge file, and listening to a LOT of Beatles lately. However, I didn't think I'd be meeting everyone's expectations if I just tossed up a "here's what I've been listening to lately" post and just listed a bunch of Beatles song. One of my aims here is to maybe turn someone onto music they would otherwise miss out on, and if you've missed out on the Beatles, then you need more help than I can offer.

So here we go, some songs you might not have heard before (or maybe you have...whatever) that you may enjoy:

Tokyo Police Club - Nature of the Experiment
Venice is Sinking - Undecided
Sufjan Stevens - Chicago (acoustic version)
Silver Scooter - Regret Sets In
I Love You But I've Chosen Darkness - According to Plan
Kate York - All Dressed in You
Danielson - Did I Step on Your Trumpet
Clogs - 5/4
Red Hot Chili Peppers - Wet Sand
Anathallo - Hanasakajiijii (One: The Angry Neighbor)
Final Fantasy - He Poos Clouds
Levy - Matthew
Hem - The Present
Half-Handed Clouds - You've Been Faithful to Us Clouds
Zero 7 - Futures
Tapes 'N Tapes - Omaha
Thom Yorke - Harrowdown Hill
The Blackheart Procession - Not Just Words
Camera Obscura - Let's Get Out of This Country
The Flaming Lips - The Yeah Yeah Yeah Song

2006-07-30T23:43:00.000-04:00

And another....

2006-07-30T23:41:00.000-04:00

Public Service Announcement from a Galaxy Far, Far Away...

Wilmington Sports News

2006-07-25T21:56:00.000-04:00

Wilmington Hammerheads
The Hammerheads is our USL soccer team, and lately they have been tearing through the US Open Cup. For those of you that don't know - and admittedly, I did not until recently - the US Open Cup brings soccer teams from all levels from all over the country together for huge nation-wide tournement to crown a national champ. Wilmington has made it to Round 4, and next up is the New York Red Bulls from the MLS on Aug 2. On top of that, for some reason the game is here instead of NYC, and I will most definitely be in attendance.

Wilmington Sea Dawgs
It was also announced this week that Wilmington is getting new ABA basketball team, dubbed the Sea Dawgs. I for one didn't even know the ABA was still a viable organization, but it gives me something else to do around here, so I'll be checking that out when it tips off this fall.

UNCW
...does not have a football team. This isn't exactly "news," but I thought this would be an appropriate time and place for a mini-rant. This absolutely blows my mind. UNCW is a decent-sized university, and the 'hawks field fairly competitive D-I baseball and basketball teams each year. And yet they are utterly defficient in the gridiron department. Why would a school do this? And more importantly, why would anyone go to a school without a football team? Don't these kids know what they're missing? Apparently not. Yeah you're near the beach, but unlike, say Miami, around here beach-going whether is gone by mid-October at the latest. And what do normal people do on the weekends in October? Go to football games, stupid. Sure you'd probably be playing some fantastically-crappy teams, but, hell I'd show up. Come on, UNCW, get with it.

Girl reading on the beach, because there are no football games to attend in the fall

Bar-BQ

2006-07-24T19:52:00.000-04:00

Best of luck to everyone taking the bar exam this week....you poor, poor bastards.

This Actually Came up in BarBri....

2006-07-20T21:40:00.000-04:00

North Carolina, like many states, has its share of antiquated laws that probably seemed appropriate at the time, but now just come off as silly. "No elephants on Main St.," "No gray socks on Sundays," etc. There are books out there full of them.

Well, good ol' NC had a real gem in the books: No living with a member of the opposite sex unless you are married to that person. I stress "had" because thanks to a judge from New Bern (who also happens to be a good friend of mine's father), that law has been declared unconstitutional. Not that it was ever really enforeced anyway, but still, it did make it onto cnn.com.

Credit to Pete for bringing this to my attention.

Almost Like A Real City...

2006-07-15T22:34:00.000-04:00

Wilmington has a Craigslist page now! We're moving up in the world.

The Ipod Shuffle (?)

2006-07-15T12:14:00.000-04:00

It's been about a week since I've posted anything up here (I've been working on a doomsday scenario piece concerning the recent escalating violence in the Middle East, but that one isn't ready to go yet), so for now I'm going with the old cliche of what my iPod plays when I set it on random. Only instead of doing the "here are the first five or ten songs that came on" I've decided to track the statistical trends that developed over the course of an entire day. Or something like that. My last exposure to stat was sophomore year in college.

Anyway, as I've noted on here before, my work requires quite a bit of driving. Yesterday alone I had small amounts of business to take care of in five different cities, illustrated below on this cool old-timey map I found online:

During all of the day's driving, I had the iPod on shuffle, and observed some rather peculiar trends that seemingly defy all principles of probability*. Perhaps this is the essence of "randomness?" Some of the more interesting points:

Led Zeppelin - I own only one Zeppelin album in its entirety, Led Zeppelin IV. Of it's 9 tracks, 4 made it to the lineup

Of Montreal - Another one-album band for me, 3 tracks from The Sunlandic Twins appeared.

Counting Crows - 4 songs from across 4 different albums. That's about what I would expect.

Pearl Jam - Only one song played (the version of "Alive" from the Live in NYC bonus disc that came when you preordered Pearl Jam), out of a pool of 233 drawn from 17 different albums.

U2 - Again, just a single track - a b-side from Joshua Tree - from the seven albums worth of material I possess

The Beatles - 6 albums produced just one song, "Polythene Pam." This is a wonderful song that works perfectly in the greater context of Abbey Road, but comes to a jarring hault as a single when not immediately followed up by "She Came in through the Bathroom Window."

Toad the Wet Sprocket - 3 songs from 4 albums. Seems about right.

Mac McCaughan - not a single song from my combined 14 Superchunk and Portastic CDs

R.E.M. - another 0-for. 75 tracks to pick from, and iPod said "Nay"

iTunes Free Singles- of-the-Week - Unfortunately I did not keep an accurate count of these, but by the end of the day I became convinced that they were grossly over-represented. I do download them each week, becasue occassionally they throw a really good song in there. A lot really suck though. I don't know why I even keep them. They only exist to haunt me on long road trips.

* I do vaguely remember from my school days that there are, in fact, certain governing principles in the field of probability. However, I'm currently in no position to deabte the merits or application of said principles. Actually, I was just looking for an excuse to display that map. I've always liked old maps.

2006-07-10T18:32:00.000-04:00

Nice Headbutt!

Even if you didn't watch the game yesterday, you need to see this.