The Evolutionary Marvels of the Cockatiel (Intelligent Design at Work?)

Being at home these last few weeks has given me a lot of time to play with my mom's pet bird, Sugar. I've always loved pet birds, and Sugar is no exception - he flies around the house, sings a couple of different songs, takes birdie craps in the living room (which for some reason are always my fault), and tries to talk to the birds outside in the yard - pretty cool pet overall. The only real problem is that he's a biter. His previous owners didn't exactly take very good care of him (not to mention that they also stuck him with the rather un-manly name of "Sugar") and as a result, he has no problem sinking his beak into your finger should you try to handle him when he's not in the mood.

What's great about Sugar, though (and cockatiels in general), is that you can always tell whether he's ready to come out of his cage and play or he just sit there and be left alone. That's because cockatiels have a nifty little crest of feathers on their heads that, aside from differentiating them physically from other small parrots, is a perfect barometer of their emotional state. Allow me and Sugar to demonstrate what I mean:

Here's the "everything is cool" neutral position: "I'm glad you let me out of my cage."

The "surprise/shock" full extension: "What was that?!?"

The "curious" 3/4-folded back look: "Why are you following me around with that camera?"

The "angry" full fold-back: "Back up outta my grill motha' fucka'!"

So after watching this full range of expression, I started thinking how cool it would be if humans had evolved a similar trait. Sure, people have verbal skills that are not limited to short phrases like "pretty bird" and imitations of the Andy Griffith Show theme song. But even with these advanced abilities, it always amazes me how often people can have little misunderstandings or just miss the point altogether. I am proposing that if people were to have an adjustable crest on their heads (I guess with humans it would have to be made of hair, although feathers would be much cooler in my opinion), such miscommunication would become a thing of the past. Consider the following scenarios:

Normal humans...
Business Man: So you see, we can just roll over your 401(K)....I can take care of everything. Do you have any questions?
Client: (although completely clueless, doesn't want to appear stupid) No, that sounds great. Go ahead and do it.
Now Client has to work 60 hours a week until he's 75 because his retirement fund was severely mismanaged.

But if everyone had crests....
Business Man: So you see, we can just roll over your 401(K)....I can take care of everything. Do you have any questions?
Client: (still clueless) No, that sounds great. Go ahead and do it.

Business Man: Come on Bob, this is your retirement fund we're talking about. I can tell by your crest that you're still a little confused. Let me explain a little more how this works.....
Here Client retires to an exclusive island resort in the Caribbean at age 55.

Or what about relationships? This is where it would really come in handy.

Normal humans.....
Girlfriend: (enters looking a little disheveled) Hey, honey.
Boyfriend: Hey, baby, is everything OK? You look like you've had a rough day.
Girlfriend: (holding something back) No, everything's fine. Work just wore me out today, so I'm going to bed early.
Boyfriend: (mistakenly believing that everything is fine) OK, that's cool. I'll see you tomorrow.
Now "Boyfriend" is "Single Guy," has no job and lives with parents, playing with birds all day.

But add the crest....
Girlfriend: (enters looking a little disheveled) Hey, honey.
Boyfriend: Hey, baby, is everything OK? You look like you've had a rough day.
Girlfriend: (holding something back) No, everything's fine. Work just wore me out today, so I'm going to bed early.
Boyfriend: (noticing the crest, he turns off the football game and gives Girlfriend his undivided attention) I know you well enough to know when you're not being completely honest with me. Plus, with your crest folded all the way back like that, I know you're really upset about something.
Girlfriend: (obviously touched that Boyfriend is being so attentive; crest perks up slightly) Yeah, you're right. It's just that sometimes I feel like I'm putting more into this relationship than you are...... (or something like that.....that sounds like something a girl would say, right?)
Here Boyfriend and Girlfriend have that long overdue heart-to-heart, and their love emerges stronger than ever. Eventually they marry, live a long fulfilling life, and retire to a Caribbean island. Not the same island as Client, though - they both knew him in high school and know what a toolbag he is.

So as you can see, life would be infinitely more simple if we all had large movable crests like cockatiels. Not to mention that we'd all end up retiring at an early age and moving to the Caribbean to live out the remainder of our days sipping margaritas and dancing on the beach to the rhythms of a steel drum. Really the only problem I can see with this idea is at the movie theater or a sporting event - if something really exciting or unsuspected happened, everyone's crests would shoot straight up, making it difficult for the people in the back row to see the action. A small price to pay, though, I think.