A Great Epic, In My Mind

Rarely do I remember my dreams the morning after they happen. And when I can recall anything, it's usually just a little clip....something like, "I was playing frisbee with my dog, only it wasn't really my dog, and then I had to go to the DMV for some reason!" Not exactly the type of thing I would take the time to devote an entire post to.

However, last night something unusual happened. My dream not only played out like a somewhat-cohesive storyline, but I also remembered every single part of it in vivid detail upon waking up this morning. It actually played out much like a movie, and I'm quite convinced that should it ever be made into a movie, it would be at least as good as From Justin to Kelly*.

The tale begins innocently enough with me and a bunch of my friends at the beach. That in itself was cool because there were people there I knew from high school, college, law school, etc, that have never actually met each other in real life, but in the dream everyone knew each other and was hanging out. Someone suddenly had the idea that we should rent some 4x4s so we could drive down the beach to the mysterious lighthouse we could just barely see off in the distance. And in true dream-like fashion, there is of course a 4x4 rental place right next to our house. Off we went.

At first we cruised along without a care in the world, but then suddenly there was trouble. It seemed the sand was growing less and less stable the farther we drove, and eventually the ground could not even support the weight of the vehicles. We became hopelessly stuck. But at this point we were closer to the old lighthouse than we were to home, so we decided to continue on our on foot, thinking that maybe there would be someone at the imposing tower who could help us out.

To our dismay, the structure appeared abandoned from the outside, and the main door was padlocked closed. As we discussed our options, we barely noticed the gathering storm clouds behind us. With the first crackle of thunder it became apparent that there was no way to make it back home before the sky opened up on us. It quickly became obvious that our only hope for finding shelter from the storm was inside the lighthouse, and we began trying to find away around the lock. Fortunately, the chain on the lock was rusty from it's time spent exposed to the elements, and a few well-placed blows from some old bricks we found sent the chain dropping to the ground.

Once inside, we were amazed. What looked to be dilapidated and forgotten about from the outside was actually well maintained and quite luxurious within. The main attraction was an enormous gas fireplace in the center of the building, which provided some much needed warmth to the group as it had begun to rain on us as we worked on the lock. Well-stocked cabinets and comfy furniture put us in no hurry to leave this strange abode. The only problem - we had tripped the silent alarm when we busted the lock.

The sound of approaching police sirens brought out revelry to a screeching halt. Panic set in. The cops were there in no time, barking orders through megaphones, surrounding the lighthouse with weapons drawn. The sudden stress caused a rift among the group. Suddenly someone had an idea - steal one of the cop cars and escape to freedom! I, however, was not up for this. I wanted to try to escape on foot into the dense forest that surrounded the lighthouse grounds. I found myself vastly outnumbered, though, and only my friend Andy from high school agreed with my plan. The others were not to be persuaded, but as they charged wildly towards one of the parked police cruisers, it did provide the perfect diversion for me and Andy to escape into the woods.

After hours of wandering aimlessly through the thick brush, we started to recognize some of our surroundings. We had somehow made our way to the area near a small local college, and as luck would have it, it was orientation weekend. Lots of people, lots of opportunities to hide from the cops who we knew were still intent on bringing us in for our little breaking-and-entering stunt.

As we tried our best to blend in among the crowds, we spotted the boys in blue - they had tracked us to the college. Interestingly enough the leader of the squad of cops was Wade Williams from Prison Break, in his full "Capt. Bellick" glory. Just trying to act natural out on the quad wasn't going to cut it. We had to get indoors, and a nearby dorm provided the perfect opportunity.

It seems that some of the cops noticed us trying a little too anxiously to enter the building, and soon they were making there way there as well. Realizing we had inadvertently drawn attention to ourselves, Andy and I began to look for a place to hide out. An unlocked door at the end of the hall seemed like the perfect spot, but the cops pulled one of the dirtiest tricks in the book: One of them yelled out "Andy!" and, just out of instinct, Andy stuck his head out to see who was calling him (sort of like the scene in the stairwell in The Fugitive). Andy was busted, but being a true friend, he didn't rat me out as they dragged him off to jail. I owe you one, man.

The TV was on in the room I had ducked into, and station was abuzz with news reports about our now infamous lighthouse break-in. I learned then for the first time that the group who decided to commandeer the car had actually pulled it off - at first - but were now involved in a high speed chase on the freeway with an legion of law enforcement vehicles in hot pursuit. There was also an APB put out on me, as somehow it had been discovered that I was not among the group in the car and was still at large.

The artist's rendition of my face they were showing on the screen was spot-on, and I knew I may be in trouble. Rummaging through the room, I found some clothes to change into (the anchorman on TV had been describing precisely what I was last known to be wearing, and those were in fact the clothes I still had on at that point), and also noticed some electric clippers which I quickly employed for an instant buzz cut. Feeling I had changed my appearance as much as possible from the cops had last seen me, I felt like I had bought myself some time and began to contemplate my next move.

Meanwhile, the news continued to pour in through the TV. Andy was already in lockup downtown. The folks in the highway chase were all but finished. And they were telling everyone watching to be on the lookout for me. The latest reports were not only describing me physically, but also my habits and mannerisms, in hopes of giving people as much information as possible to help track me down.

But then the anchorman began to focus on something very odd. According to him, I could not stand to eat to fish. Now it is true that I am not a huge fan of fish, but for some reason the network had decided to do an entire expose on the topic. Apparently they considered my lack of desire for mahi such a strange trait that it would instantly give me away if I tried to go on the run.

This gave me an idea.

I left the dorm room, found some random hot girl, and said "I'm in the mood for some seafood...would you care to join me?" She eagerly accepted my invitation, and off we went to some place known for its great shrimp, confident that it was the last place anyone would look for me.


The End.


It was all very James Bond-like....to me, at least. Hell, I promised you From Justin to Kelly, not The Godfather. What did you expect?


*I've never actually seen From Justin to Kelly, but by all accounts, it is quite terrible and thus an apt comparison.