A Happy Post that Goes, Terribly, Terribly Wrong in the End

EDITOR'S NOTE: I had started and nearly finished this post before I learned how tragically one of these little anecdotes concluded. It was SUPPOSED to be a counter to my depressing last post...a sort of "how to find joy in life's little everyday occurrences" piece. But unfortunately, this one does not have a happy ending either. Oh well, maybe one of these days....


I love randomness. There are few things in life that make me any happier than when crazy unexpected things just happen out of nowhere (not things like "Uncle Charlie had a stroke this morning!" but more along the lines of "that homeless man on the corner gave ME money!" You get the idea.) Today I had the opportunity to witness three separate such situations, each brought a huge smile to my face....right after the initial "what in the world just happened" feeling subsided.

The first happened on my way to work this morning. I had morning hearings in Onslow County, which means a trip up my favorite (heavy sarcasm here) stretch of highway, US 17. For those who don't know, this particular stretch of road is long, flat, straight, and generally as non-scenic as a road can be. About half way to Onslow, though, I noticed something on the edge of the highway. Something BIG.

As it was still pretty early, traffic was light, and I could slow down without pissing anyone behind me off. Soon I was beside the object, just barely coasting, and I could not believe my eyes - it was an alligator....a big alligator...no, no, wait....A BIG FUCKING ALLIGATOR. If this were Miami, I wouldn't be totally shocked. But here in NC, we don't get too many of these critters, and I've never even heard of one this large being sighted. In fact, I've lived here most of my life and this is the first I've ever seen in the wild around here. I remember growing up, it seemed everyone knew someone who knew someone who had seen one while boating or fishing, but firsthand accounts were very rare.

"So there you go," I thought, and then I continued on towards Jacksonville......


I parked my car at the courthouse, gathered my things, and began to head inside. Before I reached the door, however, I was stopped by a man who looked to be in quite a panic. "I need help," he said as he approached, his voice slightly quivering. "Can you tie a tie?" The fact that I was wearing one must have tipped him off.
"Yeah," I responded.
"Thank God. Do you mind tying mine?"
"Sure, no problem. But I don't have a mirror so it may not look just right," I said (while I thought to myself "OK, this is a little weird")

So I did the best I could, mirror-less and in a hurry. I loosened the knot and slipped it over my head without untying it, and handed it to the man. He pulled it over his head and tightened it to his collar.
"This is WAY too short!" he shouted, then angrily stormed off......


Things wrapped up in Onslow around lunchtime, and I made my way over to the Subway which in conveniently located only a few hundred yards from the courthouse. If you've been to Subway lately, you may have noticed they've changed the steak they use in their sandwiches (perhaps only temporarily; they're doing a steak promotion right now). Where before it was more of what I would call "Philly" style (finely chopped, almost shredded), it is now much heartier chunks like you would find in a beef stew or a can of Alpo dogfood. I've had the new steak, and it's good. It's different than before, but good.

The guy in front of me in line, though, was apparently not aware of the change. He ordered a steak and cheese, picked his bread, his cheese, and started to make his vegetable and condiment selections. But when the poor guy making the sub got the steak out of the microwave, and the customer saw that it was not the old kind, things exploded!
"Whoh, whoh, whoh...what is THAT!"
"This is our new steak. Subway sends us this kind now for the new sandwiches."

Well, to the customer, that response may as well have been "Here you go, sir, I took the liberty of urinating on your sandwich. I hope you don't mind. I also got a diseased prostitute out back to lick your bread, but I won't charge you extra for that." He demanded the old style of steak, and when told they didn't have any, he cancelled his order and furiously left the store.

I ordered my sandwich - the steak and cheese - and made my way down the line to pay. Just then a woman walked in and approached the counter.
"Steak and cheese, please"
"Yes, ma'am...and what type of bread would you...."
"Whoh, whoh, whoh...what is THAT!"

As I exited the building, she walked out right behind me, with no sandwich. She too had called off the order upon seeing the new steak. The staff was stunned. I enjoyed my sub even more.

Bravo, Life. Bravo.


And the sad conclusion....
When I got home, I started looking at local news websites to see if there was a story about the alligator. I figured an animal that size hanging out along a major highway was a newsworthy event. And it was....BECAUSE SOME JERKOFF RAN OVER THE ALLIGATOR AND KILLED HIM. Here's the story. That magnificent beast was 12 feet long, and approximately 85 years old. Can you imagine what such an animal had done and been through in his life. Scrapping out a living in a not-so-alligator-friendly environment, and managing to reach that size. Clearly an apex predator in that area...I can only imagine he must have lived off hunting deer. I can't think of anything else around here that could sustain such a creature. And then to die because some careless moron can't drive. How do you not see the TWELVE FOOT LONG 475 POUND ALLIGATOR in the road? I saw him from a good 300 yards or so away, and at that point he was in the grass! Kinda hard to miss. Sigh.