Best. Quote. Ever.

I was downtown this afternoon, and as I walked past a bus stop, I overheard a few magical words that nearly stopped me dead in my tracks. If it were possible to walk any more slowly without seeming conspicuous, I definitely would have. But in an effort to avoid looking like I was blatantly eavesdropping, I kept moving. What little I came away with, however, changed me profoundly:

"Once they find out you have a helicopter, they think you're weak....and then they'll stick it up your butt!"

Thank you, crazy bus stop lady. Thank you.

Valentine's Musings

In lieu of doing anything even remotely romantic this Valentine's Day, I offer the following anecdotes semi-inspired by this wretched "holiday":

• What is the rule for wishing someone "Happy Valentine's Day"? To me, that greeting should basically be reserved for one's significant other. However, I noticed throughout the day that some people toss it out to everyone, in the same vein as a "Merry Christmas" or a "Happy New Year." I just can't see myself using this as a casual greeting for my friends/colleagues.
• Observing all the happy couples and over-worked florists about town today, and feeling a little self-pity over the whole being alone thing, I started to think back to some of my high and low moments from my own dating career. And suddenly, my brain dug out a memory I had not thought about in ages. Back in high school - about 2 or 3 days before graduation to be exact - my girlfriend and I broke up because I found out she was cheating on me. It was actually a lot like the first 15-20 minutes of Eurotrip, but she was my first "serious" girlfriend and I took it pretty hard. Anyway, after it happened I decided to sit down and write a letter to her just spilling out everything I was going through, and it ended up being like 5 or 6 pages front and back. Before today, I had not thought about that letter in years. Now I wish I could remember what it said. The way emo music is all the rage with the kids these days, I'm confident there was a top-10 single or two in there somewhere.
• I saw a guy downtown today who looked EXACTLY like the caveman from the Geico commercials. I mean there is no way I can see anyone looking like that unless they were doing it on purpose - the long hair, the beard....it was like he was on his way to audition for the next spot. I wanted to say "It's so easy, even YOU could do it!" so bad, but I would've felt terrible if he had just randomly happened to look like that.

So, here's to porn and liquor!

Citation Needed

This past weekend, I found myself engaged in one of my favorite pastimes - watching a documentary about lost civilizations. It's actually something I've talked about pretty rarely on this blog, but I LOVE any television documentary about 1) Aliens 2) Ghosts 3) Mythical creatures (ie, Bigfoot, Loch Ness Monster, etc) 4) the end of the World/Book of Revelations 5) Lost civilizations.

I'm serious. Life stops if I happen upon one of these topics on The History Channel or the National Geographic Channel. (Discovery joins the fray from time to time, but the the former are definitely my "big two.")

So anyway, this one show I was into was all about the search for Atlantis. They had a profile on a team searching the Mediterranean, one diving off the coast of the Bahamas - "Bimini Road" for you like-minded folks - and one guy was even talking about his Antarctica theory. However, it was the show's feature on a fourth researcher that spawned this particular post.

His idea was that, wherever Atlantis was, there must have been survivors, and these survivors must have eventually settled amongst other ancient civilizations. Sounds reasonable to me....

But his "proof:" Mayan artwork from pre-Columbian times depicting men with beards.

His reasoning: The Mayans would have no basis for showing beards in their art - unless they had been visited from peoples from far away - because Native Americans don't have facial hair.

Come again?

I am somewhat of a history dork, am fairly-well traveled, and obviously a documentary junkie, but I have never once in my life seen or heard any reference to Native American's lack of ability to grow facial hair. Can anyone confirm this for me?

I'm not saying I don't believe it, but it does strike me as a little strange. Why would one race of people not display such standard male trait? My immediate guess is that NA's are more evolved than the rest of us, with beards being one remaining to link to our monkey ancestors. But I'm really not sure.

And yes, I do see the irony here: "Mayans don't have beards...crazy!" but "Atlantis is buried under the snows of Antarctica....of course!"

What if Jesus Doesn't Believe in Me?

It is really not too uncommon for me to drift off into a daydream when things are slow at work. And when things slow down late on a Friday afternoon, then watch out. As was the case today, when my subconscious cooked up this little dialogue between Jesus and St. Peter happening somewhere in Heaven:

SP: ...So, you know Tim as been quite devout lately...
JC: Yeah..., er, yeah, I guess...
SP: You guess? He's organized a Bible study for some of the people at his office, and he's leading the food drive this weekend....
JC: I know....I mean, I've heard....It's just that.....
SP: What are you talking about?
JC: It's just that sometimes...sometimes, I don't know if I actually believe in Tim...
SP: Jesus Christ, what are you saying? Look at all Tim has done for you!
JC: Yeah, well my Father raised me to love Tim, and I guess most my friends believe in him...it's just that I've been doing a lot of thinking lately, and, er....taking other people's word that Tim is there just doesn't do it anymore. I want to think for myself, and when I do, I'm just not sure...
SP: I can't believe my ears! The Son of God: an a-Timist!
JC: No, no, I'm not an a-Timist...I guess maybe I'm more agnostic...
SP: How can you say that? You died for Tim's sins!
JC: Yeah, I know, I know. But I mean, even though I did it, deep down I don't know if I believed I was dying for Tim...
SP: But Tim spends so much time in prayer...that's time that he and you spend together.
JC: Yeah, well sometimes on the path of life, when me and Tim are "together," it's like I glance back and I only see one set of footprints....
SP: Jesus, my friend, those are the times that Tim was carrying you...
JC: Wait, I thought those were the times that I was carrying him....
SP: Oh yeah, or something like that.....

Anyway, that's about the time I snapped out of it and got back to reality. Have a great weekend!