Horror Movies: The Good and Not So Good

As Halloween is drawing nearer, I have spent the last few days pursuing one of my favorite guilty pleasures. No, not candy corn and Fun Sized Snickers (although both of those are rather tasty): I'm talking about watching horror movies. I am a huge fan of most things supernatural - ghosts, aliens, crazed and demonic serial killers - and as such I'm almost always up for a good scary movie. The only problem I have is that, well, there just aren't a lot of really good horror movies (which I find especially troubling, given that there seem to be as many, and maybe more, horror movies made as there are movies from any other genre).

As far as I'm concerned, the art of making good horror really reached its peak in the late '70's and early 80's. This was the period that introduced the world to Michael Myers, Jason, and Jaws, and in my mind nothing before or since then has really competed with these. The one possible exception is the body of work being produced in Hollywood's early days - Bella Lugosi-era Dracula, etc. But I while I do appreciate these films and find many of them quite enjoyable, they just don't deliver the "I'm sleeping with the lights on tonight" feeling of their more recent counterparts.

Scary, but not enough to make me turn on the nightlight

So what do I think about the movies made just in the last 20 years or so? Well, not much actually. Not to say that there haven't been some bright spots, but somewhere around 1985, things began to go wrong (Yes, I'm pointing my finger at you, Friday the 13th, Part V - A New Beginning). For some unexplainable reason, filmmakers began substituting believable characters and scare-the-piss-out-of-you villains with grade-A cheesiness. Formerly formidable foes became mere mockeries. All of a sudden, "horror" movies started having "cutesy" factor that makes me sicker than eating entire bags of the aforementioned candy corns or Fun Sized Snickers. Perhaps it was the success of the Nightmare on Elm St franchise - to his credit, Freddy was full of one-liners from the get-go - but the entire genre suffered considerably during this time.

More painful than a machete to the forehead

Fortunately by the mid-90's, the horror genre began to see a bit of a revival. Gone was the hokeyness of the late-80's, but in its place was a new trend that I find only slightly less-annoying: using "bloody" as a substitute for "scary." Yeah, I know, a well-placed knife to the jugular is supposed to cause a spewing of sorts. I have no problem with that. If your villain is a maniacal killer armed with any sort of sharp object, there needs to be a nice display of blood to get the point across that the helpless victim isn't simply unconscious. What bothers me is when filmmakers seem to think that 5 gallons of blood can completely take the place of true suspense and fear. To me, gore enhances the fright-factor but is not enough to create it on its own.

And here in 2005, I feel like horror is still in the blood=scariness phase. As much as this bothers me personally, I've seen no indication that Hollywood plans to change anytime soon. Did anyone else see Saw last year? Admittedly, I haven't seen Saw II yet, but I'm not expecting any big revolution here.

Entertaining, but is a movie really scary because it's bloody?

With that said, I'd like to point out some of my favorite (and least favorite) horror movies, characters, and concepts of all time. For the films that spawned a series of sequels, I've tried to cover as much of the franchise as possible.....but with a few limited exceptions, it's usually all downhill after the original.

Halloween
- HIGH POINTS: Halloween (and for that matter, Halloween II, since it's a direct continuation of the same story) may be the best "slasher" movie ever made. The characters are all believable, the cinematography is great, and Michael Myers achieves that rare balance of being far-fetched enough to be enjoyable while staying realistic enough to be scary as hell. Honorable Mention for H20, which pulls off the equally-rare balance of continuing a twenty year old story and not being horrible.
- LOW POINTS: (tie) Halloween III: Season of the Witch for temporarily abandoning Michael as the villain; and Halloween: Resurrection for having a Busta Rhymes-produced reality show as its plotline
- THE FUTURE: HalloweenMovies.com confirms that there will be at least one more entry to this franchise. I'm interested to see where they go with this.

The best ever?

Friday the 13th
- HIGH POINTS: The first four entries of this series are all pretty good. Jason's short cameo in the original (yeah, that's right - people always seem to forget that the killer in part 1 is not Jason) provides a great scare. The beginning of Part II is also great - the sole survivor from part one is immediately killed off. Part IV, Friday the 13th - The Final Chapter, probably should've been the final chapter.
- LOW POINTS: (tie) Friday the 13th, Part V - A New Beginning and Jason X are just plain terrible. Honorable Mention for Friday the 13th, Part VIII - Jason Takes Manhattan, which has a terrible concept (but is saved by the fact that it actually isn't that bad of a movie).
- THE FUTURE: I remember at one point there was talk of making a sequel to Freddy vs. Jason (which was much better than it had any right to be) that would also feature Ash from the Evil Dead series. I would love to see this made, but I haven't been able to find any reliable information on it.

A Nightmare on Elm Street
- HIGH POINTS/LOW POINTS: If nothing else, this has probably been the most consistent of the big horror franchises. Given that, if you enjoyed the first one then you've probably been more-or-less satisfied with the sequels.....but if the original didn't do it for you, then there was nothing in the sequels to redeem the series. Freddy is a pretty likeable villain, as far as reincarnated-in-your-dreams-former-child-molestors go. Wes Craven's New Nightmare was a brilliant concept and a very underrated movie.
- THE FUTURE: See Above.

Definitely worth a rental

The Lost Boys
- This movie just screams 80's. A synth-heavy soundtrack, and not one, but two Corey's (Feldman and Haim) make this as much a period piece as anything else, but it's still one of my favorites. Also in the cast are Edward "the voice of the History Channel" Herrman and the future Jack Bower, Keifer Southerland - and both are great here. The Lost Boys is a good mix vampire-horror, tongue-in-cheek humor, and 80's cheese.

Event Horizon
- I don't know if this is more rightly classified horror or sci-fi, but no matter what you call it, this movie is creepy as hell. Basic plot: high-tech space ship tries to open a worm hole to achieve rapid inter-stellar travel, but instead opens a gateway to hell. Simple enough. None of the ghosts/demons have eyeballs either, which makes them look very disturbing overall (I think the movie explains why their eyes are missing, but I was hiding under the covers by that point).

The Evil Dead/Army of Darkness
- HIGH POINTS: The Evil Dead and The Evil Dead II: Dead by Dawn are both fun, scary movies. Bruce Campbell as Ash is awesome.
- LOW POINTS: Army of Darkness just didn't do it for me. Although certainly a much better movie than several on this list, I just prefer the two Evil Deads.
- THE FUTURE: Aside from the rumored Ash appearance with Freddy and Jason, there apparently is a remake in the works for the original Evil Dead.

Child's Play
- HIGH POINTS: Hmmm....give me a second....well........
- LOW POINTS: These movies are about a killer doll! Why any sequels were ever made is beyond me. I can almost appreciate the concept of the original - Chucky is supposed to be scary because a doll is something that kids usually find comfort in - but in execution it just comes off as silly.
- THE FUTURE: Let's hope there is none.

What studio exec green-lighted this gem?

Night/Dawn/Day/Land of the Dead
- HIGH POINTS: The first and last scenes of Night of the Living Dead (1968) are fantastic - what's in between is pretty good too, although it gets tedious at times.
- LOW POINTS: This series has never really been one of my favorites. I know we're all supposed to be impressed by the premise of Dawn of the Dead - "Oh, the mindless zombies are attracted to a shopping mall! What a clever take on contemporary American consumerism!" - but social commentary isn't really something I look for in a good horror movie.
- THE FUTURE: I haven't actually seen Land of the Dead yet, but from what I've heard, it's supposed to be pretty good. I'll have to reserve judgment for the future of the franchise at least until I've seen the latest installment.

Shaun of the Dead
- While I'm not a huge fan of George Romero's originals, this spoof of those films is brilliant. OK, so this isn't a horror movie per se - I think I've heard it referred to as a "Zomedy" - but I can appreciate a good parody any day. I have also always been a big fan of dry British, dare I say Python-esque humor, and they lay it on thick in this one. The scene where Shaun is trying to tell his mom that his step-dad is a zombie had me rolling on the floor.

Who ever said death couldn't be hilarious?

Scream
- HIGH POINTS: The flagship franchise of the 90's horror revival, all three of these movies are actually very well made. Especially in the original, the concept of the characters using horror cliches to thwart the villain is surprisingly successful. It's unfortunate that these films sort of fell into the same trap as Hootie and Blowfish - get to trendy too quick and there's an inevitable backlash.
- LOW POINTS: Despite using the old movies as a guide of what not to do, the characters and the movies themselves often fall into and perpetuate these very cliches.
- THE FUTURE: It wouldn't surprise me if this franchise were done, although I wouldn't mind seeing another installment. The first three were entertaining enough to justify more sequels to fill the void of current quality horror movies.

The "Cracked Rear View" of the horror genre?

Scary Movie
- HIGH POINTS: Last parody, I promise. I actually thought the first Scary Movie was very clever, and did a good job making fun outright of the same stuff Scream just sort of danced around. Parts 2 and 3 also had their moments.
- LOW POINTS: Part 2 lost a little of the focus from the original, although the Wayans crew did make sure it was still a fun movie. Part 3, while pretty funny, was all over the place (If you want to see how bad it could've been though, check out the deleted scenes on the DVD - at one point the Incredible Hulk makes an appearance. I'm not kidding).
- THE FUTURE: Apparently Part 4 is in the works, due to hit theatres sometime next year. No plot details yet, but it's sure to be good for a laugh.

Jaws
- HIGH POINTS: Even if Halloween is the best "slasher" movie, Jaws just might be the best outright horror movie ever. This movie has everything you need for a truly terrifying experience. Unlike re-animated corpses, demons, and escaped mental patients, sharks are the real deal (OK, I guess escaped mental patients can be real too). And thanks in no small part to this film, the sight of an exposed dorsal fin is enough to instill total panic in most people. You watch most good horror movies, and you're kind of creeped out that night....you watch Jaws, and you look out for that fin every time you enter the water for the rest of your life. The fact that they don't even show the shark at first is great too - the mystery of it only adds to the already-heightened suspense. Also, the story itself is quite believable. The characters all seem like real people (thanks to great writing, directing, andacting), the setting is ideal, and the gore factor is handled perfectly. (If my memory serves me, only 4 people actually get killed - keeping the body count low only adds to the realism.) Great movie. I really can't say enough good things.
- LOW POINTS: None of the sequels really lived up to the original, but hands down, the absolute low point was Jaws 3. Everyone's favorite gilled assassin manages to get inside Sea World, or Ocean World, or whatever they call it in the film, and havoc ensues. Weak concept, awful execution.
- THE FUTURE: Although Jaws: The Revenge was a respectable entry, I think it's a safe bet that this series is done.

Dear Misters Benchley, Spielberg, Scheider, Dreyfuss, and Shaw: Thank You.

So there you go - my deepest personal thoughts and feelings on the horror genre. What is really scary is the fact that I wrote most of that just off the top of my head. I told you I was a fan. And of course it doesn't stop there - I didn't even touch on anything Stephen King or the Poltergeist series - but it's late, and I've got a full day ahead of me tomorrow. That's right, I've got no job, it's Halloween, and Bram Stoker's Dracula, The Blob, Creepshow, and White Zombie are all saved on the TiVO for my viewing pleasure. Unemployment does certainly have its perks at times.

Tahiti, Hawaii, Costa Rica.....Emerald Isle?

All over this great big world, there are beaches that have become meccas for serious surfers. Unfortunately, Emerald Isle is not one of those places (especially after Hurricane Ophilia came through last month and totally changed the shape of the bottom). It's not like this is really news to anyone who surfs in North Carolina. Unless you're in the Hatteras area or there's a hurricane getting ready to make landfall, you rarely see more than the occassional swell, and most of the time it's either hit or miss. Especially around Atlantic Beach/Emerald Isle.

Well anyway, this past Saturday I made the short drive down to Emerald Isle with hopes of finding something ridable. I knew my chances weren't great - given the conditions lately - but it was unseasonably warm and a very nice day, so I thought I would give it a try. After all, the whole reason I bought my 9-ft long board several years ago was to be able to surf the less-than-ideal waves that frequent this area.

As I crested the last set of dunes, however, I quickly realized that no surfboard would suffice for these conditions. In fact, unless you had something with a motor, you weren't going anywhere.

In my many years of surfing, I've heard lots of people talk about it being "flat," and I've often used that term myself to describe days when the waves are too small to do anything even resembling actual surfing. But this was one of those days that makes you reconsider your whole definition of the word "flat." Fortunately I had my camera with me to document this event.

The "mighty" Atlantic Ocean

Catch 22's Make Me Angry

Here it is the middle of October, which means I've been devoting myself full-time to finding a decent job for almost two solid months now. Before today I had had no measure of success at all, and I was beginning to think I would be living with my parents for the rest of my life. Then all of the sudden this morning, something utterly bizarre happened. My phone rang.....the caller ID flashes a number I recognize as one of the firms I've sent a resume to (and unlike most places that I've sent resumes to, which have been half-assed attempts at jobs I didn't even really want anyway, this was a position I was actually excited about). Could this be it? Is this my ticket out? They want me to come in for an interview?!?! This is great!

Well, not exactly. It turns out the job is supposed to start within a week, and as such, they are only interviewing candidates who already live within commuting distance to Charlotte. And since the lady who called me was with the main office in NYC and wasn't overly familiar with NC geography, she didn't realize I lived six hours away until after she had gotten my hopes up and then shattered them into a million pieces. She was very polite and professional, though, and promised that they would keep my resume on file in case something came up in the future.

So now I realize exactly the situation my life is in: I don't have enough money to live anywhere but at home; and at the same time I can't get a job that pays decent money because I'm living at home. Quite the predicament, indeed.

An ACC Guy in Big Ten Land, and How to Avoid Conflicts of Interest in College Athletics

This past weekend I got the chance to take a little trip up to State College, PA, for my first ever Big Ten football experience - the highly-anticipated Penn State/Ohio State matchup - and it didn't disappoint. I've been to countless college football games in my life between my years at UNC and Miami, but nothing there really compares to what I saw from the Penn State faithful on Saturday. There was the ridiculous amount of media coverage, the pregame tailgating with cars, RVs, and everything in between as far as the eye could see, the hordes of rabid fans, a gorgeous stadium - it was plenty to get someone like me with no ties to either team completely into the whole experience. Nothing against my two alma maters, but these folks treat their football with a type of reverence that is usually reserved only for basketball down in here in ACC country.

Pre-game tailgating extravaganza in State College

The thing with my beloved Tar Heels is that, well, no one ever really expects us to be that good at football. Of course there were the Gator Bowl season of '97, the '01 victory over FSU, the '04 win against the 'Canes, and Julius Peppers' entire career as highlights, but in Chapel Hill football will almost always take a back seat to basketball (and also, one could certainly argue, Women's Soccer). One rare exception to that rule actually came my senior year, when the football team went on to win the Peach Bowl, and the basketball team finished 8-20 and missed the NCAA tournament for the first time since dinosaurs ruled the earth. And while the basketball team was able to rebound from that wretched season and win a national title 3 short years later, during that same period the football version of the Heels seemed to fade back into mediocrity. Sure the occassional moments of brilliance are fun, but it's just hard to really maintain a high level of excitement when the best you can usually hope for 6-5, and basketball season is always right around the corner.

Pigs fly and Hell freezes over in 2001 - 2002, as UNC football thumps Auburn for a Peach Bowl win and the Basketball team goes 8 - 20.


Now Miami, on the other hand, is definitely a football school. Year after year the 'Canes are one of the top teams in the nation, and they produce NFL-quality players at an incredible rate. The problem here, though, is that Miami fans are a fickle bunch. As long as the team is undefeated and contending for a title, there will be 70,000+ at the Orange Bowl, complete with a rowdy tailgate outside and some of the most intense fans you'll ever see. The FSU games in '02 and '04, as well as the UF game in '03, come immediately to mind, as I was present for each of these matchups. However, once that first loss comes and UM is out of the title hunt, it's a different story altogether - all of a sudden South Beach becomes much more interesting than football, and there are embarrassingly-large sections of seats left vacant in the Orange Bowl on game day. In their defense, though, I'll have to say South Beach is a lot of fun and the Orange Bowl is a decrepit ruin of a stadium, but I digress.

Field-rushing excitement to open the season......
....sand, sun, and margaritas after finishing a "disappointing" 8-3.

So back to Saturday. There I am in Happy Valley, soaking up the atmosphere, the wonderful central-PA hospitality, and an equal or greater amount of Yuengling, when it hits me - given my NC/FL background, can I actually cheer for either Penn State or Ohio State with a clear conscience? Sure, I'll enjoy the game regardless - even if I had stayed home for the weekend, I would've watched this one with great interest on TV - but can I really get behind one of these teams without it being a slap in the face of my Tar Heel (and to a lesser extent, Hurricane) heritage? After all, as the song goes, "I'm a Tar Heel born, I'm a Tar Heel bred, and when I die, I'm a Tar Heel dead." Well, in short, the answer the is yes - I ended up cheering my ass off for the Nittany Lions - and not just for the sake of being part of an awesome post-game celebration full of drunken slutty co-eds. Here's how I arrived at my decision.

First it's important to understand my ACC loyalties, regardless of the particular sport (trust me, this becomes important later....well, actually, no it doesn't, but whatever; I'm trying to make it look like I put a lot of thought into this).
1) UNC - always #1....always.
2) Miami - I went there.....but it was for grad school
3) NC State - a lot of my friends went there and I always had fun hanging out in Raleigh
4) Wake Forest - I respect the program
5) Va Tech - a Vick at QB is always fun to watch
6) Ga Tech - uh, I actually don't have anything to say here
7) Maryland - try to claim they're Duke's biggest basketball rival - that's just a dirty lie
8) Boston College - I never really got over Doug Flutie's shenanigans
9) Virginia - UVa folks always seem to have this attitude that I really don't like
10) Clemson - they have a Bowden for a coach....'nuff said
11) Duke - they do always bring out the best in the Heels, so that's worth something
12) Florida State - coached by King of the Bowdens; don't bring out the best in anything

Now let's turn our attention to the two teams actually on the field on that blustery autumn day - the Nittany Lions and the Buckeyes. Since I've had such little direct contact with these schools, I feel like I should warn you that my evaluations may get a little bizarre. But let's face it, this entire post has been on the express train to Bizzarro World for a while now.

Ohio State:
Positives - the fans actually aren't such a bad bunch of people. That's about it.
Negatives - hmmm....where to start? "Beating" UM in the '03 Fiesta Bowl (nice call, ref), the whole Maurice Clarett ordeal, Jim Tressel acting like he was oblivious to the whole Maurice Clarett ordeal....OK, so I was never going to pull for these guys anyway

Penn State:
Positives - great folks all around; a program deep in tradition, and to my knowledge, totally scandal-free; Joe Paterno is the anti-Bowden
Negatives - March 18, 2001, a Tar Heel team that had been ranked #1 in the nation earlier in the season fails to reach the Sweet 16 after falling to the Nittany Lions; the whole "nittany" part seems a little excessive to me

The Results:
OK so we have one school recently knocking my ACC #1 out of title contention in one sport, and the other knocking my ACC #2 out of title contention even more recently in another. That doesn't fair well for either school (interesting side note, though: the '01 tourney loss was one of the major steps in the unraveling of the Matt Doherty regime at UNC, which eventually lead to the hiring of Roy Williams, which in turn lead to last year's national title.....so in a way, it was actually a good thing). And while nothing here can redeem OSU, there are more than enough reasons to get behind Penn St. I think Paterno has always been the picture of class, and I have nothing but respect for the man and the way he runs the program. Also, everyone I met in State College went out of their way to make this ACC guy feel right at home.

A full house ready to rock at Beaver Stadium

So what do we learn from all of this analysis? I think one main point becomes overwhelmingly clear: I am absolutely out of my mind. But in closing, I'd just like to say thank you to everyone there for making that such a great weekend, and ya'll better beat the crap out of Michigan on Saturday. I'll be pulling for you.

Twenty Degrees and the Hockey Game's on....

Well, actually it is about 20 degrees Celsius here in eastern NC, but I don't think that's exactly what Jimmy Buffett had in mind when he wrote that line. But anyway, the hockey game - or games, as in 15 tonight alone - is on, for the first time since the NHL strike was resolved this past summer. Honestly I've never been a huge hockey fan, but I have followed the Hurricanes ever since they moved down to these parts from Hartford for the start of the '98-'99 season, and I've also followed the sport in general much more closely since that time. It is great to see the league back in action though, and I think it's very encouraging to see that fans weren't scared away by last year's cancelled season. I watched the 'Canes open up (and lose, unfortunately) down in Tampa tonight against the Lightning, and at least on TV, the crowd seemed really pumped up and I'm pretty sure it was a sell out. Welcome back, guys.

On a similar note, I'd just like to comment on what a great time of year it is for sports fans. At one point in the evening, there was the 'Canes/Lightning game, the Chicago/Boston ALDS game, and the Miami (OH)/NIU football game all on at the same time. Apparently there were Major League Soccer games going on tonight too, but none of those were televised around here. I guess I'll just have to settle for the hat trick, so to speak. NHL opening night, MLB playoffs, and NCAA football in full swing - it doesn't get a whole lot better than that.

All Things Superchunk

I meant to mention where I got the title to this blog in my "introduction" post, but it was late that night and I forgot to include it. So in the name of giving credit where credit is due, I thought it would be fitting to devote a separate post to one of the greatest rock bands on this planet: Superchunk. "Skip Steps 1&3" is actually the name of the killer opening track to Superchunk's brilliant 1991 CD "No Pocky for Kitty." If you have never heard this album before, I suggest you stop reading right now and find yourself a copy.
Now I realize that maybe not everyone is familiar with Superchunk, so here's a little background. The band formed in 1989 in Chapel Hill, NC, and has been a mainstay of the indie rock/college radio scene there ever since. I remember in the early 90's, after the explosion of alt-rock bands like Nirvana, Pearl Jam, and Soundgarden into the mainstream, there was a huge buzz that Chapel Hill was going to be "the next Seattle." Well, as we know, that never exactly happened, but I will maintain that the music being made by Superchunk (and other Chapel Hill notables like Archers of Loaf) is as good, if not better, than anything coming out of Seattle during the same period. And while Nirvana, Alice in Chains, and Soundgarden have all gone the way of Crystal Pepsi, Superchunk continues to be a force both on the road and in the studio.
And the members' studio work isn't just limited to their work with Superchunk either - Laura (bass) and Mac (guitar/vocals) are also the co-founders of Merge Records, one of the premier independent rock labels in the country. It's lineup consists of veteran acts such as Teenage Fanclub, Spoon, and Dinosaur, Jr., newcomers like ...And You Will Know Us by The Trail of Dead, and indie darlings The Arcade Fire.
In wrapping up, I'd like to offer up sort of a Superchunk "starter kit" for anyone who may unfamiliar with their music, but would like to check them out. I really think anyone who considers themselves a fan of rock music can find something enjoyable here, even if indie/college radio isn't really your scene. This is not meant as a greatest hits list (although it could probably double as one), but simply an overview of their general sound. Each of these tracks is available on itunes if you're interested:
1) Skip Steps 1&3
2) Hello Hawk
3) Hyper Enough
4) Cursed Mirror
5) On the Mouth
6) Driveway to Driveway
7) Yeah, It's Beautiful Here Too
8) Unbelievable Things
9) Seed Toss
10) Precision Auto
11) Slack Motherfucker
12) 100,000 Fireflies

Superchunk live at Cat's Cradle, July 29, 2005

http://superchunk.com/
http://mergerecords.com/

I'd rather be hunting Easter eggs or small woodland creatures....

But unfortunately, I'm currently engaged in a different type of hunt altogether, and the prey is far more elusive. This is, of course, the job hunt. Having spent a total of seven years pursuing higher education, and possessing two degrees as a result, one might think (as I did) that there would be a large number of employers lining up to offer me lots of money to do something that I find both interesting and rewarding. However, this is not the case at all. There are actually two serious flaws in this scenario: 1) there are no employers lining up to offer me anything at all, and 2) I really haven't come across any careers that I find especially interesting or rewarding.

So this morning I log onto monster.com, as has become part of my usual morning routine, and mentally prepare myself for another frustrating day of online job searching. Before I start to type a few choice words into the search box, though, something in the corner of the page catches my eye: the "Self-Assessment Tests" section on the bottom of the welcome screen. When I looked more closely, I saw that the first test listed was entitled "Right Job, Wrong Job." "Perfect!" I thought to myself, "maybe this will give the direction I've been so desperately seeking!" I eagerly clicked the link, and began working my way through the multiple choice-type questions that followed.

The whole process seemed reasonable enough - there were questions about balancing work and family, about personal interests, etc - and as I finished the last questions, my mind started racing with the thought of the life-changing revelations that were getting ready to appear on my monitor. When the page finally loaded, my excitement quickly faded. In front of me was a list of career choices completely unrelated to anything in my educational background. Now it's not like I've spent the last seven years studying 3rd century Celtic footwear. My degrees are in business and law - two fields that initially attracted me because the job flexibility that each offered (or so I thought). But here on this list were careers that, while all perfectly respectable, would basically require me to start college all over again. Not that such a situation wouldn't be the coolest thing ever, but financially I really need to start making money instead of continuing to burn through it.

The list read as follows:
1) Architect
2) Psychologist
3) Computer systems analyst
4) Chemist
5) Pilot
6) Flight engineer
7) Veterinarian

Again, there is absolutely nothing wrong with any of these jobs except for the fact that I am completely unqualified for any of them. This is not exactly the epiphany I had in mind. However, this whole exercise was not a total loss, as I was able to learn quite a few other interesting things about myself from the other tests that are offered on the site (the link in monster.com actually re-directs you to tickle.com, which is full of other fun, informative, and time-wasting tests; some job-related, and some not) Among other things, I learned I may excel in a career in the field of "investigation and testing" (private investigator or manual writer); my personality is "introverted/sensing/feeling/perceiving;" and my true talent is "spatial ability and abstract reasoning" (which apparently is also good for architects). I also found out that if I were a dog, I would be a golden retriever; if I were in Star Wars, I would be R2-D2; I'm an indulgent eater, and my subconscious is driven by sexuality.

By the time I finished this extensive battery of tests, I had pretty much wasted the entire day, and I was still no closer to deciding exactly what I wanted to do with the rest of my life. Oh well, at least I didn't get labeled as a C-3PO - he's such a loser. The hunt continues....

"You know I've always wanted to pretend I was an architect."

- George Costanza