Jobs for which I feel I am Qualified

What a week. Or, I probably should say, what a crappy week. "Why?," you ask. Well this past week I have received more rejection letters per day than any other week since I first began this miserable activity known as the job hunt. Included in this avalanche of paper work were an email rejection from the SEC (which got picked up by my spam filter and I almost missed entirely), and a rather courteous letter from the Department of Commerce telling me they are considering my application, but if I don't hear from them in the next 3 months then I should assume they've hired someone else. So I'm supposed to sit anxiously by the phone from now until mid-April? Riiiiiight.

Initially all of this rejection made me start to think that I have absolutely no marketable skills to offer an employer of any type. I was really down on myself, but then I realized something. I have lots of great skills to offer! Of course, these may not be the types of skills employers conventionally seek out, but it seems that they're all I've got, so I'm just going to go with it. Here are the top five jobs for which I feel I can best employ these skills on the road to gainful employment:

Mall Santa Claus: As I have had very little reason to leave the house lately, I have also had very little reason to shave everyday. And you know what I've found out? I can grow a pretty mean beard if I just put the time in. The way I see it, if I stop shaving/exercising today, then by next December I'll only be packet of white hair-dye away from the ideal mall Santa.
Drawbacks: employment is only seasonal; Santa may be the next casualty in the War on Christmas

Animal Behavior Expert: Again, because I don't get out much, I've had lots of time to observe the behavior patters of our canine and avian friends. For instance, I could fill a journal on co-dependency in dogs (my dog will literally lay on the floor, completely motionless, from the time my mom leaves in the morning until the time she gets home; the rest of the time the dog bounces around the house like one of those little rubber balls you get in the gum ball machines outside of K-Mart). Maybe I could even combine this with my Santa skills and be like Peter Griffin in that episode of Family Guy where those birds make a nest in his beard. That would be sweet.
Drawbacks: A degree somehow even remotely related to biology is probably required for career advancement

Male Escort/Prostitute: I'm a moderately attractive guy with a lot of free time on his hands who really only wants 3 things out of life: money, sex, and gonorrhea. Enter male prostitution: check, check, and check.
Drawbacks: None that I can think of....well, maybe the gonorrhea part

Star Wars Video Game Player: I love the movies, I've enjoyed several of the novels, and the video games are crazy-addictive. I'm talking about Star Wars, of course! I would estimate that I've played (quite extensively, I might add) about 80-85% of the Star Wars games to hit the market in my life time: the "Super" series on SNES, Shadows of the Empire on N64, Battlefront on PS2, and Dark Forces/X-Wing/Tie Fighter/X-Wing Vs. Tie Fighter/Galactic Battlegrounds on the PC have just been a few of my favorites over the years. Plus, Empire at War comes out in February!
Drawbacks: May or may not actually exist as a paying job

Back-Alley Abortionist: The only real requirements for this job are good people skills and no morals, which ironically, are exactly the same ones many people would list as the requirements to be an attorney. So, as you can see, this really wouldn't be much of a stretch for me. No medical knowledge would be required - come on, we're in a back alley, not the Mayo Clinic - and if Judge Alito is confirmed to the Supreme Court then business could be booming!
Drawbacks: I never seem to have enough coat hangers as it is

Alright, time to crank out some resumes!