3 Things (That Could Kill Me) I Want To Do Before I Die

There are literally hundreds of things I want to do before I die - travel the world, find true happiness, have physical contact with a female again sometime, etc, etc, etc. However, there are three things in particular that trump all others. And ironically enough, each of these things could very well result in my untimely demise. For the record, should I meet my end through participating in any of these activities, know that I went out fulfilling a life-long dream.

The Luge: Inspired by the recently-closed Turino Olympic Winter Games, this is a relatively new entry to the list. Nonetheless, it has found a place of prominence among all of my hopes and dreams. Sure the Winter Games has its share of awesome sports - downhill skiing, ice hockey, snowboard half-pipe - but to me, the best by far is the luge. And not the two-man luge because that's just kind of creepy. I'm talking you, the sled, and the ice. 80 miles per hour. One of those insane-looking helmets. How freakin' cool! The thing is, I don't even know how one goes about getting involved in the luge. Sure there are ski mountains and ice rinks everywhere, but I've never seen a luge track in real life. That doesn't mean I'm not looking.

Swimming with a Great White Shark: I should probably add the qualifier here that, ideally, I would be in one of those steel cages they always use on the Discovery Channel. However, the lack of such a cage is not a complete disqualifer. Many of you may know that Jaws is probably my favorite movie of all time, and being a fairly-active surfer for nearly 15 years, I've had some run-ins with our dorsal-finned friends (but never with any as big as a Great White). I guess that's where this dream comes from. I really just want to see one of those bad boys up close. I know you can go out on excursions in South Africa and Australia (two places I wouldn't mind visiting anyway), but I've also heard that there's a company out in California now offering similar trips. This one just got much more likely.

Fighting a Wild Animal, Hand-to-Hand: Staying in the animal kingdom, we come to goal number 3. Unfortunately, I can't combine this one with #2 because I feel being in the ocean would be too much of an advantage for the shark (and move the fight to land, it's no contest). For this one, I'm picturing more a jungle cat, or perhaps some type of ape. A kangaroo could potentially work, as well. Maybe even a bear. Anyway, the point is I just want to see how I would stack up against a wild beast with no guns, knifes, or anything other type of weapon. I'm fairly sure I would get my ass completely handed to me, but nevertheless, I am a bit curious how I would come out. There is really just one condition to be met here: both myself and the animal would have to know it was a fight. I would never just attack an unsuspecting animal, and likewise, I don't want something to just jump out of the bushes and grab me when I'm not paying attention. Other than that, I think it could be a go. Can you imagine having this conversation?
Friend: Dude! What the hell happened to your arm?!?
Me: I was battling a jaguar.
Friend: You were what?
Me: You heard me.
Friend: I see.
Me: Yeah.

Ah, someday.

Best Interview. Ever.

After that last well-documented string of awesomely bad rejection letters, I'm proud to say that I can now add a hilariously bad interview to my list of job hunting misadventures. I really don't even know where to begin with this story, but here's basically how this whole thing came about:

One of my friends from high school (who was also hopelessly entrenched in the job search process until about 2 weeks ago) had been handing out resumes and trying to do a little networking, much like myself. He finally found a decent job, but shortly thereafter, he was contacted about a "consulting position" (I apologize in advance for my liberal use of quotation marks in this post; I promise they are necessary). Not needing a job for himself anymore, he forwarded all of the info on to me as he thought I may be interested.

In fact, he was completely right - business consulting is something I've been pursuing pretty seriously lately, and I was pumped to get this new lead. Only there was something that made me a little suspicious. There was a certain vagueness about the whole thing that struck me as strange from the very beginning. At first the guy who had contacted my friend said he was with Smith-Gower, a reputable accounting/business services firm in Raleigh. However, no specific firm was ever mentioned in my dealings with contact person.

I finally emailed the guy to try to get a little more clarification. His (direct quote) response to my inquiry was as follows: "We are a consulting company. We specialize in private business development, and we are partnered with about 1200-1500 companies. We do have a few slots open. ..."

Despite not getting the actual name of the company, I felt satisfied. Perhaps my guard has been brought down because of this excrutiating process. Maybe I'm just that desperate. Who knows. The point is, I asked no more questions, and set up an interview time.

Then more weirdness. Instead of me driving up to Raleigh, one of their "associates" just happened to be passing through New Bern this weekend "on business," so they wanted to know if I could just meet the guy at a coffee shop for an informal first interview. Now alarms are really going off in my head. But again, due to desperation or whatever, I agreed to show up.

When I got there, I met the guy, and honestly he seemed nice enough. I felt better. But not for long. We sat down, and started into the basic interview stuff. "What do you feel are your strong points?" "What are your career ambitions?" etc, etc, etc.

Things seem to be going well, but then be pulls out his brochure. On the first page is a chart, divided into four sections: Employee, Business Owner, Investor, and a fourth ambiguously-worded category, which if I could remember I would gladly post here.

"Which of these 4 is the best way to achieve long-term financial security?" he asks. I guess "investments." He says that's a common mistake, but the best answer is actually the gobbilty-gook in category 4, which.....wait for it......is exactly what this company specializes in! Then he throws in, "Andrew makes $4500 a week using the methodology in category 4!"

By this point I'm really skeptical, but I decided to play along. My next, fairly obvious question at this point: "So what exactly do you do, day-to-day?" (He has still yet to reveal the actual name of the company). Then he utters the most priceless words I have ever heard in my life:

"I really shouldn't go into that now. Andrew can explain it much better. You'll meet him during phase 2."

Wow, where to start. You can't tell me at all what I'll be doing in this "job" I'm "interviewing" for? I've heard of "second-round interviews," but what's all this about "phase 2"? Why did you get that creepy tone in your voice when you said that? And who the fuck is this Andrew character? This is quickly turning into that episode of Seinfeld where Mr. Wilhelm is abducted by the Happy Sunshine Carpet Cleaners.

Of course, that's only what I thought to myself. Torn between competing urges to flee the building or stick around to see where on earth this is going, I finally just say "oh, OK," and decide to stick it out. It's amazing what I'll put myself through for the sake of a funny story.

Next he says, "So what happens at most jobs when you miss a day? The work doesn't get done, or you might get fired. Not here. Here (still no mention of the name of the "company") you have an entire support staff who will pick up the slack if you can't come in."

Me: "OK, so how exactly does that work?"

Him: "It's simple, really. You find people to be your employees. Then they work, and you don't have to! It's just like owning your own company and being your own boss! And if your employees hire people under them, then the work of the second-level employees also counts towards your work!"

That's right. In case you haven't figured it out yet, this "interview" was really just a sales pitch to join onto a pyramid scheme. I knew pretty early on after meeting the guy that it was either a pyramid scheme or a religious cult, I just couldn't make up my mind which. Of course, he had to go back to Raleigh to "talk things over with Andrew, but he thought things went really well."

I walked away with perhaps the second-funniest/most awkward story of my life. (Number one being the stalker/hiker-killer I met in Ireland, which I don't think will ever be topped in the funny/awkward area. I've really been meaning to post on this site for anyone who may not have heard it already). But I still never got the name of the company or any information on Andrew.

"Email Tax"? No Thanks.

I just got this email from MoveOn, and I thought I'd post it here because this is something that anyone who spends time online should be aware of. Basically, AOL is considering a plan to allow certain companies to pay a premium in order for their mass-mailings - spam, generally - to bypass spam and junk filters and go right to your email inbox.

Dear MoveOn member,
The very existence of online civic participation and the free Internet as we know it are under attack by America Online. AOL recently announced what amounts to an "email tax." Under this pay-to-send system, large emailers willing to pay an "email tax" can bypass spam filters and get guaranteed access to people's inboxes with their messages having a preferential high-priority designation.¹ Charities, small businesses, civic organizing groups, and even families with mailing lists will inevitably be left with inferior Internet service unless they are willing to pay the "email tax" to AOL. We need to stop AOL immediately so other email hosts know that following AOL's lead would be a mistake.

Can you sign this emergency petition to America Online and forward it to your friends?

Sign here: http://civic.moveon.org/emailtax/?id=6931-3754197-3Njz7N66Kw8gw41VU6uOQA&t=2

Petition statement: "AOL, don't auction off preferential access to people's inboxes to giant emailers, while leaving people's friends, families, and favorite causes wondering if their emails are being delivered at all. The Internet is a force for democracy and economic innovation only because it is open to all Internet users equally —we must not let it become an unlevel playing field."

Sign here: http://civic.moveon.org/emailtax/?id=6931-3754197-3Njz7N66Kw8gw41VU6uOQA&t=3

AOL is one of the biggest email hosts in the world if we stop them from unleashing this threat to the Internet, others will know not to try it. Everyone who signs this petition will be sent information on how to contact AOL directly, as well as future steps that can be taken until AOL drops its new "email tax" policy.

AOL's proposed pay-to-send system is the first step down the slippery slope toward dividing the Internet into two classes of users those who get preferential treatment and those who are left behind.

AOL pretends nothing would change for senders who don't pay, but that's not reality. The moment AOL switches to a world where giant emailers pay for preferential treatment, AOL faces this internal choice: spend money to keep spam filters up-to-date so legitimate email isn't identified as spam, or make money by neglecting their spam filters and pushing more senders to pay for guaranteed delivery. Which do you think they'll choose?

If AOL has its way, the big loser will be regular email users—whose email from friends, family, and favorite causes will increasingly go undelivered and disappear into the black hole of a neglected spam filter. Another loser will be democracy and economic innovation on the Internet—where small ideas become big ideas specifically because regular people can spread ideas freely on a level playing field.

If an "email tax" existed when MoveOn began, we never would have gotten off the ground—indeed, AOL's proposal will hurt every membership group, regardless of political affiliation. That's why groups all across the political spectrum are joining together with charities, non-profits, small businesses, labor unions, and Internet watchdog groups in opposition to AOL's "email tax."

The president of the

Association for Cancer Online Resources (ACOR) points out the real-world urgency of this issue:

In essence, this is going to block every AOL subscriber suffering from any form of cancer from receiving potentially life-saving information they may not be able to get from any other source, simply because a non-profit like ACOR —which serves more than 55,000 cancer patients and caregivers every day cannot afford to pay the fee.¹

Can you sign this emergency petition to America Online and forward it to your friends?

http://civic.moveon.org/emailtax/?id=6931-3754197-3Njz7N66Kw8gw41VU6uOQA&t=4

Thank you for all you do.

Eli Pariser, Noah T. Winer, Adam Green, and the MoveOn.org Civic Action team
Wednesday, February 22nd, 2006

P.S. The Electronic Frontier Foundation summed up the "email tax" issue beautifully:

Email being basically free isn't a bug. It's a feature that has driven the digital revolution. It allows groups to scale up from a dozen friends to a hundred people who love knitting to half-a-million concerned citizens without a major bankroll...

Once a pay-to-speak system like this gets going, it will be increasing difficult for people who don't pay to get their mail through. The system has no way to distinguish between ordinary mail and bulk mail, spam and non-spam, personal and commercial mail. It just gives preference to people who pay...³

Sources:

1. "Postage is due for companies sending e-mail," New York Times, February 4, 2006
http://www.moveon.org/r?r=1453

2. "AOL's New Email Certification Program: Good Mail or Goodfellas?" L-Soft Release, February 2, 2006
http://www.lsoft.com/news/aol-goodmail.asp

3. "AOL, Yahoo and Goodmail: Taxing Your Email for Fun and Profit," Electronic Frontier Foundation, February 8, 2006 http://www.moveon.org/r?r=1454

I personally think this an outrageously bad idea on AOL's part. I would also be willing to guarantee that if this plan comes to fruition, the ones who will pony up the cash are the porn, "enlarge your manhood," and "refinance now!" companies that already flood our email to exhaustion as it is.

I know a lot of you may be suspicious of anything that MoveOn has attached its name to given that organization's well-known political leanings, but I urge you to take a look at this so hopefully we can stop this before it really gets out of hand.

Kicking Me When I'm Down: Redux

I thought I would never be able to top the "We'd rather hire no one than hire you" rejection letter, but today I got one that comes mighty close. In the mail this afternoon was a letter from a firm I interviewed with several weeks ago, and was subsequently rejected from.

Why would they be writting me again? What if something else opened up, and they're writing to say I should give them a call if I was still interested? Maybe the guy they picked instead of me had inflated his resume George O'Leary-style, and after finding out, that made be the best candidate?

Actually, it was none of the above - It was the exact same rejection letter, word-for-word, that I had recieved just a few weeks ago.

Probably just some sort of computer glitch - maybe my name was still in the system, they made the final hire, and just didn't want to leave any applicants in the dark - but part of me thinks it was completely intentional on their part. I imagine it went something like this:

Bob: ...Yeah, I think new guy is really going to work out.
Dan: That's good to hear. I was getting pretty nervous that we'd never find what we were looking for.
Bob: Seriously. Did you take a look at some of those applications we got?
Dan: Look at the applications? I had to actually interview some of those losers!
Bob: Oh, geez. That must have been brutal.
Dan: You have no idea...there was this one kid in North Carolina I talked to...talk about going nowhere in life. I couldn't mail that rejection letter fast enough!
Bob [laughing]: You know what would be HILARIOUS? Send him another copy of the letter, just to remind him how bad he was!
Dan [also laughing]: Yeah, that would be funny. He'll see the firm letterhead, and think maybe we wanted to talk to him again.
Bob: But it'll really be just a clever way to say "Guess what? You're STILL a loser!"

Damn you Bob! Dan probably never would've thought of that on his own!

Kicking Me When I'm Down

It's bad enough that yesterday was Valentine's Day, which makes me want to jab a pencil in my ear like no other date on the calendar (anyone that's known me long enough has probably heard my "I've never once had a good Valentine's Day" story at some point; if you haven't heard it, the title of the story is pretty self-explanatory), but on top of that I found out that I did not get the job (or even a second interview) from my phone interview the other day.

This really hurts because 1) I was sick all weekend and just barely feeling slightly better at the time of the interview, so I don't even think they got to talk to the "real" me; 2) I REALLY wanted the job...it's probably the closest thing I've found to the "ideal" job so far; and 3) they made it pretty clear to me that they doubted my business skills since I got a law degree. It seems like graduating with honors from a top-5 undergrad business program means absolutely fucking nothing to these people since I made the decision to pursue an even more advanced degree. Oh sorry, I was under the impression that I was increasing my marketability by studying law, but I guess I was mistaken.

However, as bad that seems, the real kicker arrived just today. This is one of those things that is so insulting and demeaning that all you can really do is sit back and laugh, and in the end I think that might make it all worthwhile. What could possibly elicit this type of response from someone who feels like they've seen it all, aside from a man eating his own head?

A single letter.

It was the worst (or best, depending on your point of view) rejection letter I have ever received, hands down. It came from the GSA, which is basically the low-profile, catch-all business services arm of the federal government. The position was good, but nothing spectacular; decent pay, working in downtown DC, student loan pay-back assistance. The letter, however, was outstanding.

Did they hire someone with a better GPA than I had? Nope. Someone with more experience? No way. Decide to promote from within? Not even close.

They didn't hire anyone at all.

Apparently the stack of applications they received were so under-whelming that they just said "screw it." There is a pile of work sitting there that needs to be done, but they would rather have it go completely un-performed at all than to hire me to do it. I know I've lost out on jobs because I wasn't in the top 10% of the class, or because someone else gave a better interview than I did, but this is a first.

I basically lost out to the ghost man. Unlike myself, it seems he has moved his career beyond standing on second base in little kids' pick-up whiffleball games when the guy who hit the double has to go back in to bat again. Lucky bastard.

Once I stopped crying, it really did make me laugh.

The Joy of Phone Interviews

After a long period of zero activity on the job front, I finally got contacted for an interview for a job that I think would be great for me. Only it wasn't your typical put on a suit, go down to the office, meet some of the partners-type interview - it was a phone interview. Now normally I like to avoid putting on a suit and going anywhere, so that aspect of the phone interview is definitely a plus. However, if you've been reading this blog for a while, you also know that I am a phone-o-phobe (check out my Five Weird Habits for a greatly-exaggerated and well-intentioned, though overall humerless take on this problem; yes it was supposed to be funny even though in the end it just makes me sound strange).

All that said, I basically approached this interview as I would any other: read up on the company, go back through my old papers from school and see if anything is particularly relevant, read over my resume and see if there's anything I especially want to highlight. I even took the time to try to anticipate what questions they might throw my way: what was the most valuable thing you learned in law school? What is your biggest strength/weakness? Where do you see yourself in 10 years? I felt like I had all the bases covered, and was feeling really confident.

Then the phone rang. It was go time.

After the standard introductions and small-talk, it was time to talk business, and that's where things started going downhill. First, I could immediately tell that the interviewer was about as excited I was to be a part of this conversation. From the first words I just got the impression that I was keeping him from something much more important. Of course, not being a phone guy myself, I was willing to cut him some slack. "Maybe he is just like me," I thought to myself. "That may even give us something to talk about!" Not so much.

Then came the most painful part of the interview by far. I'll try to summarize the best I can:
Interviewer: So, let's take a look at your resume...[papers shuffling around in the background]
Me: OK, great
I: Why don't you just walk me through it?
M: I can do that. Where do you want to start?
I: Just start at the top
M: [anticipating a specific question related to my education/experience/skills]....OK....
[awkward silence]
M: [finally realizing he's not going to say anything] Well, I passed the bar exam in July...
I: Uh-huh
M:...and I graduated law school in May....
I: OK....
And it went on like that. For nearly 15 minutes. I read him my resume, word-for-word (as he apparently read along on the copy I had mailed in), with only the occasional "uh-huh" or "OK" to let me know he was even still on the phone.

Next came the typical interview questions that I had so diligently prepared myself for, but even that didn't go as smoothly as expected. After the questions were finished, the interviewer said to me, "You should really be in corporate law." Now that would be a huge confidence-booster if I were in fact talking to a firm that practiced corporate law, but alas, I was not (I'll decline to mention exactly who I was talking to or what they do as I know it would not help my chances if this information were to get back to them, and I need all the help I can get at this point).

After that, a hypothetical problem. Normally this is a part of the interview I kind of enjoy, as I feel it gives a chance to get creative and show that I'm more than just a name on a resume. However, this one was.....hmmmm......a little off the wall, is the best way I can think to describe it. Again, for confidentiality purposes I won't say exactly what they asked me, but let's just say "out of left field" is an understatement.

Finally was the "do you have any questions for me?" segment. This is another part I typically enjoy in the interview, as I can show I am genuinely interested (if I actually am; here I was) in the firm and that I've actually read their website a few times.
Me: I read on your website that junior associates get to participate in a variety of activities on a daily basis....
Interviewer: [with no laughter, sarcasm, etc, in his voice] Well actually it's mostly the same things day-in and day-out. We need to update the website
M: OK, well what is work like on a day-to-day basis for junior associates?
I: [again, very seriously] I'm a senior associate, so I'm not the right one to ask

Ouch. Fortunately, the phone call ended shortly after that. I did get the "you'll hear from us later this week" instead of the "I really don't think you're right for this job" closing, so I guess that's a good sign. I'm really not getting my hopes up, though. Maybe 50-50. We'll see.

And so goes the great phone interview experiment.

Merry Bricks-Mas!

Exactly one year ago tonight, The Bricks changed the face of music. On February 11, 2005, The Bricks made their public debut at Titanic Bar & Grill in Coral Gables, FL in honor of Chauncey's birthday (ha-ha-haha, ha-ha-haha, happy birthday Chauncey). And there was much rejoicing.

It is in honor of this momentous occasion that I am proposing a new national holiday to be celebrated annually on the evening of February 11: Bricks-Mas! Why "Bricks-Mas," you ask? Well, because much like Jesus, The Bricks preached a message of love, had exactly 12 followers, and could walk on water*.


*Only 2 of the 5 members of The Bricks have ever actually walked on water. The other 3 have boasted frequently about having such abilities, but have never publicly performed the feat.

UNC - Duke Game to Make History Tonight!

Here's a great email forward I got this afternoon. If you've ever had the misfortune of sitting through an entire Duke basketball game, then you know how on-point it is.

Greensboro, (NC) -- Atlantic Coast Conference Commissioner John Swofford announced today that a foul is tentatively scheduled to be called against Duke sometime in the first half of their game with UNC in Chapel Hill, next Tuesday, February 7th.

In a joint press conference with Duke head coach Mike Krzyzewski, and ACC Director of Officials John Clougherty, Swofford said an agreement had been reached for a touch foul to be whistled on as-yet-to-be-determined Blue Devil player around the 7:00 minute mark during the first half of the game at the Smith Center.

"We are very excited to arrange something that hasn't been seen in our conference since 1998," said Swofford. "I want to personally commend Mike (Krzyzewski) for agreeing to this unconventional deal. We all know how reluctant he has been to allow any calls to go against his team."

Krzyzewski insisted that this move was purely a gesture of generosity aimed at rehabilitating his public image in light of recent lip-synching fiascos during several nationally televised games. "The camera did not catch me really uttering the BS-word during my argument with the official the other night. Those really were my lips moving but I wasn't really yelling the word. I'm sure our fans will understand."

"Mike is being a really good sport about this," noted UNC coach Roy Williams. "This is a once in a lifetime opportunity to play them with a foul being called against their squad, and to have it happen here in front of the home crowd will be especially enjoyable for our fans."
Clougherty says that unless unforeseen intimidation happens during the game, that the scheduled foul should occur without a hitch. "It all depends on whether Coach K holds up his end of the bargain and promises not to harrass our crew that evening."

Clougherty also said not to expect any more fouls to be called against Duke this season, but did not rule out the possibility of another one being called in an exhibition game in November 2007. "The Duke AD told me that they are trying to schedule Marathon Oil for a pre-season game next year and we are in discussions about perhaps calling another foul against Duke in that match-up if everyone can come to terms."

The officiating crew for the Duke vs. UNC game will not be announced publicly prior to the game in order to protect their privacy. Swofford said he anticipated a media barrage and did not want the referees to be distracted from their big task at hand. "This is a big deal and a momentous occasion for the league. We need our employees to remain focused so that they can complete their jobs in what could end up being a very difficult situation."

Game Notes: If the foul occurs on February 7th, it will be the 27th foul called against the Blue Devils in their basketball history........... UNC fan favorite Byron (Colonel) Sanders had a chicken bone removed from his throat yesterday, and is expected to be recovered for the game...... Dick Vitale and Mike Patrick will be handling the TV play by play for ESPN. Vitale says he has no idea what he will say when the foul is called against Duke but he has been placed on a prescription sedative as a preventive measure. (Patrick could not be reached for comment, and was last seen entering a tanning salon in Durham with a picture of JJ Redick)......... A CBS 60 Minutes television crew is planning to attend the game to catch the event on tape for an upcoming expose on the Duke basketball program and how Mike Krzyzewski uses friendships and loyalty to advance his own agenda.

UNC-Duke at 9:00 on ESPN! Go Heels!

Final Thoughts on Super Bowl XL

I just finished watching Super Bowl XL, and overall it was a pretty good game. There were only a few points at which Pittsburgh didn't look to be in control, and that hurt the drama a little for me. Nonetheless, it was exciting as always. My picks for hi/lo-lights:

Jerome Bettis: What a great athlete and classy guy all around. Aside from the fact that he didn't get a score tonight, this game was basically a story-book ending to a great career.

Seahawks' last possession: Just when it looked like Seattle may force and exciting ending, they go out on the field and do....nothing. I'm usually not a big Madden guy, but he was completely right when he was saying they should've gone for the field goal as soon as they were in range. Get the quick 3, worry about the other 8 later. Instead? Two screen passes, one dropped and the other completed for a tackle in bounds. Ouch.

Big Ben: Not an outstanding game for him, but he got the job done and made the plays when it mattered most. In terms of people that have done so much more with their lives at my age or younger, I take him over Tom Brady any day.

Go Heels, Go! Three former UNC players took part in the big game, and all were wearing black and gold (and white, I guess). Congrats to Willie Parker, Jeff Reid, and Greg Warren. Parker's touchdown run was sick.

Refs: It seemed to me like there was a slight, although noticeable, favoring of the Steelers by the officials. The Pittsburgh "call on the field stands because we can't tell what really happened in the replay" touchdown, and the Seattle "the receiver only had one foot in bounds, and even though it was close we won't review it" non-touchdown come to mind. I'm not saying it cost the Seahawks the game or anything, but it was just something that caught my attention.

Sean Alexander: After tonight it's kind of hard to discount the critics who claim your success this year had as much to do with weak opponents as with anything else.

Gadget plays: It's hard to not like Bill Cowher when you see some of the plays he's willing to call. The Randle El to Ward reverse wide receiver pass was brilliant.

Halftime Show: Thank you halftime show organizers for finally moving away from the "let's take one artists from every conceivable genre and have them do an awkward medley" theme. One band - and a great one, at that - just doing their thing. Hopefully this will stick.

Commercials: Whatever happened to putting a little extra effort into your Super Bowl ads? Apparently Budweiser and Ameriquest are the only ones trying anymore. Bud had several great spots, and the Ameriquest ad with the doctor killing the fly with the defibrilator was hilarious. And Pepsi, WTF? You usually have some pretty clever stuff out there, but this year was terrible.

My Favorite Pyramid Schemes

OK, so none of these are actually illegal "scam little old ladies out of their life savings" type pyramid schemes. I guess a better term may be "referral programs." The basic principle is the same, though: you sign up, do whatever is required, and then if other people sign up under your name, then you receive valuable merchandise. It's a win-win for everyone (especially me, if you happen to sign up under my accounts). Lately I've had plenty of time to investigate/participate in these programs since I haven't been earning any real income, and I assure you that each of these is totally legit.

EMusic: Quickly becoming my favorite site on the internet. A music subscription service, where you get a certain amount of downloads each month (depending on which plan you sign up for). 50 free downloads just for signing up. They all come in basic mp3 format, and work on ipods immediately after downloading. Catalogue is a little outside of the of mainstream, but they've got some really great music - early Johnny Cash and Bob Marley; pre-megafame Coldplay and Green Day; newer stuff like Arcade Fire, Interpol, and Bloc Party. They also offer a daily free download (take that iTunes, and your once per week free song).
http://www.emusic.com?tafisnid=85248E88A3733D530E635D83DE8DE55D%26fref=149089

MPFree: You click on ads on their homepage, and earn music downloads from Buy.com. Most of the time you get 1 downloads if the offer only requires you to put in your email address, but you can also earn 35 or more at a time if you do something like sign up for 3 months of Earthlink internet service. Two warnings: Make sure you have good spam protection (these folks will email you if you click on their offers) and the downloads are in crappy Windows Media Player format (EDIT: the sound quality is fine; I just meant the files can be a pain in the ass to work with), if that's a problem for you (the ol' burn-and-rip method works just fine to make them ipod-compatible, however)
http://www.MPFree.com/ Refer.asp?UID=2C103D1A1418141C13142422

Mypoints: sign up, they send you emails, and you click on the link at the end of each one. Each offer is worth different amounts of points, and when you save up enough, trade them in for gift cards at Circuit City, Target, or a bunch of other stores.
https://www.mypoints.com/v?s=FoyGR9_dkiKdcw5ZkU-brE-rCBp8&arr=s2

Memolink: Just like Mypoints. Gift cards available from Best Buy and Amazon, among others.
http://www.memolink.com/index.cfm/beacon/registration/reg/3/referer/15439/

Brandport: sign up (must have an "edu" email address), and watch commercials on their website. After each one, you have to answer 2 or 3 multiple choice questions to make sure you were actually paying attention. Each ad has a different value. I've only watched 3 or 4, and a whole dollar showed up in my paypal account this afternoon.
https://www.brandport.com/Webapps/index.aspx
Use jw7400@law.miami.edu as your referral

January 2006: The Mixtape

After I posted my 2005: The Soundtrack track listing earlier this month, I got the idea to try to do a similar posting for what I'm listening to month-to-month. If nothing else, it'll make my "2006: The Soundtrack" post much easier to write at the end of the year.

The list for January isn't too heavy on new stuff, mostly because lately I've only been listening to the CDs I got for Christmas. There are a few new tracks I've come across, though, and also some that have been around awhile that I'm just now discovering or re-discovering for myself.

1. Shout Out Louds - Never Ever
2. Stars - Ageless Beauty
   
3. Kanye West - Touch the Sky
4. Ryan Adams - When Will You Come Back Home
5. The Magic Numbers - I See You, You See Me
6. Daft Punk - Human After All
7. My Morning Jacket - Anytime
8. The Decemberists - The Sporting Life
9. Super Furry Animals - Walk You Home
10. Superchunk - Phone Sex
11. Brand New - The Boy Who Blocked His Own Shot
12. Mates of State - Goods (All in Your Head)
13. Motion City Soundtrack - Everything is Alright
14. Youth Group - Forever Young
15. Coldplay - Green Eyes
16. Death Cab for Cutie - Brothers in a Hotel Bed
17. Fruit Bats - Legs of Bees
18. Kings of Leon - Kings of the Rodeo
19. Laura Viers - Galaxies
20. Cosmic Rough Riders - Kill the Time
    

State of the Union Address: The Abridged Version

Overall, I thought last night's State of the Union address was one of W's better speeches. I give him a B-, maybe a B. As I watched last night, I decided to transcribe the speech word-for-word, interjecting my own thoughts/interpretations where I felt the need (actually, I got the transcript from another website....I've got a lot of time on my hands, but not that much time).

Intro:
W: "Mr. Speaker, Vice President Cheney, Members of Congress, Members of the Supreme Court and diplomatic corps, distinguished guests, and fellow citizens"
Me: Pretty standard stuff

Coretta Scott King:
W: "Today our Nation lost a beloved, graceful, courageous woman who called America to its founding ideals and carried on a noble dream."
Me: Classy move

Partisan politics:
W: "But even tough debates can be conducted in a civil tone, and our differences cannot be allowed to harden into anger. To confront the great issues before us, we must act in a spirit of good will and respect for one another - and I will do my part."
Me: A for effort

Terrorism:
W: "Abroad, our Nation is committed to an historic, long-term goal - we seek the end of tyranny in our world. Some dismiss that goal as misguided idealism. In reality, the future security of America depends on it."
Me: The man's heart is certainly in the right place; first allusion to 9/11 and WMD

Muslims:
W: "No one can deny the success of freedom, but some men rage and fight against it. And one of the main sources of reaction and opposition is radical Islam - the perversion by a few of a noble faith into an ideology of terror and death."
Me: In other words, we only have to be scared of the bad ones

Middle East:
W: "In a time of testing, we cannot find security by abandoning our commitments and retreating within our borders. If we were to leave these vicious attackers alone, they would not leave us alone. They would simply move the battlefield to our own shores. There is no peace in retreat. And there is no honor in retreat."
Me: Our boys are gonna be there awhile

W: "We are the Nation that saved liberty in Europe, and liberated death camps, and helped raise up democracies, and faced down an evil empire. Once again, we accept the call of history to deliver the oppressed, and move this world toward peace."
Me: Terrorists are equal to or greater than Nazis on evil scale

Iraq:
W: "And we are on the offensive in Iraq, with a clear plan for victory."
Me: Good to hear we have a plan, as opposed to just giving it the feel test each morning

The Good Dems:
W: "Along the way, we have benefited from responsible criticism and counsel offered by Members of Congress of both parties. In the coming year, I will continue to reach out and seek your good advice."
Me: W showing some love here

The Bad Dems:
W: "Yet there is a difference between responsible criticism that aims for success, and defeatism that refuses to acknowledge anything but failure. Hindsight alone is not wisdom. And second-guessing is not a strategy."
Me: More ridicule than love at this point

Letter from deceased soldier:
as read by W: "I know what honor is. It has been an honor to protect and serve all of you. I faced death with the secure knowledge that you would not have to.... Never falter! Don't hesitate to honor and support those of us who have the honor of protecting that which is worth protecting."
Me: Bring out the Kleenex

Palestinian elections:
W: "The Palestinian people have voted in elections - now the leaders of Hamas must recognize Israel, disarm, reject terrorism, and work for lasting peace."
Me: Wait, aren't we in favor of free elections so these guys don't end up charge?

Patriot Act:
W: "The enemy has not lost the desire or capability to attack us. Fortunately, this Nation has superb professionals in law enforcement, intelligence, the military, and homeland security... They also deserve the same tools they already use to fight drug trafficking and organized crime - so I ask you to reauthorize the Patriot Act."
Me: Here we get the infamous "one-half standing ovation"

Wire-tapping:
W: "So to prevent another attack - based on authority given to me by the Constitution and by statute - I have authorized a terrorist surveillance program to aggressively pursue the international communications of suspected al-Qaida operatives and affiliates to and from America."
Me: OK, we realize you mean well, but please just tell me why you don't need a warrant.

Economy:
W: "Our economy is healthy, and vigorous, and growing faster than other major industrialized nations. In the last two-and-a-half years, America has created 4.6 million new jobs"
Me: Say what?

Taxes:
W: "In the last five years, the tax relief you passed has left 880 billion dollars in the hands of American workers, investors, small businesses, and families...Because America needs more than a temporary expansion, we need more than temporary tax relief. I urge the Congress to act responsibly, and make the tax cuts permanent."
Me: I'm all for it, until you start cutting important government programs

Budget:
W: "This year my budget will cut it again, and reduce or eliminate more than 140 programs that are performing poorly or not fulfilling essential priorities."
Me: Oh.

Baby Boomers:
W: "This year, the first of about 78 million Baby Boomers turn 60, including two of my Dad's favorite people - me, and President Bill Clinton."
Me: Good one, W.

Social Security:
W: "I ask you to join me in creating a commission to examine the full impact of Baby Boom retirements on Social Security, Medicare, and Medicaid."
Me: That is SO last year

Foreign oil dependence:
W: "America is addicted to oil...The best way to break this addiction is through technology. Since 2001, we have spent nearly 10 billion dollars to develop cleaner, cheaper, more reliable alternative energy sources... zero-emission coal-fired plants...solar and wind ... better batteries for hybrid and electric cars, and in pollution-free cars that run on hydrogen...this country can dramatically improve our environment ... move beyond a petroleum-based economy ... and make our dependence on Middle Eastern oil a thing of the past."
Me: Wow, almost Al Gore-esque

Education:
W: "Tonight I announce the American Competitiveness Initiative, to encourage innovation throughout our economy, and to give our Nation's children a firm grounding in math and science."
Me: Kids that do smart be needed for competing

Ethics:
W: "Americans..are concerned about unethical conduct by public officials, and discouraged by activist courts that try to redefine marriage."
Me: Take that Republican Congressmen and liberal judges!

Justices Alito and Roberts:
W: "The Supreme Court now has two superb new members, Chief Justice John Roberts and Justice Sam Alito. I thank the Senate for confirming both of them. And I will continue to nominate men and women who understand that judges must be servants of the law, and not legislate from the bench."
Me: I wonder if there really is a "Family Guy"-like initiation ritual for the new guys

Genetics:
W: "Tonight I ask you to pass legislation to prohibit the most egregious abuses of medical research - human cloning in all its forms... creating or implanting embryos for experiments ... creating human-animal hybrids "
Me: Obviously not a fan of either Attack of the Clones OR Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

Aimless children:
W: "Through the Helping America's Youth Initiative, we are encouraging caring adults to get involved in the life of a child"
Me: Unless it's Michael Jackson

Katrina:
W: "So far the Federal government has committed 85 billion dollars to the people of the Gulf Coast and New Orleans. We are removing debris, repairing highways, and building stronger levees. We are providing business loans and housing assistance."
Me: Better late than never, I guess

Closing:
W: "Thank you, God bless you, and may God bless America."
Me: Amen

I Never Thought I Was An Internet Junkie Until...

...my connection went out for 3 days. Man, it's tough enough living at home already, but living here without my main link to the outside world is like the Haitian Voodoo Rattle Torture! Turns out a transformer blew in my neighborhood Monday morning, but now everything thing is back to normal. Thank God!

Yes, I am a dork.