Poor Michael Richards...(Not Totally Work-Friendly)

Deep down, I'd really like to think Michael Richards is a good guy who just lost control and made a mistake. But with that said, I can't help but laugh my ass off at this:




**Edit**
I seem to be having some trouble with the embedded player on this one. Here is the normal link to the clip.

Getting Hyped Up for Football! (Next Season)

Sure, there's plenty of great football left to be played this year, but the UNC PR machine is already moving full speed ahead on 2007. Here is the greeting from Butch Davis that was emailed out to the alums today.

And on a sidenote, does anyone else think Butch sort of looks like that monotone politician character Will Forte plays on Weekend Update on SNL every once in a while? Just a thought.

The Gritty, Dangerous World of Real Estate Law

Let's face it: when a large part of your law practice consists of prosecuting home foreclosures, you're pretty much never the "good guy." Often "success" means putting a family out on the streets. And the stories....my God, the stories. I'd say about 25% - 30% of the cases I see involve folks who admit they've missed some payments, but it was only because of illness, death in the family, or getting laid off. It is not fun.

Sometimes, however, these otherwise heart-wrenching matters are given a little jolt when the homeowners start threatening me with bodily harm. This is actually a rare occurrence, but I do always look forward to seeing what kind of creative schemes these people can cook up on the spot to toss in my direction.

My all-time favorite used to be a case I did about 5 months ago, when the guy threatened to stab the Clerk of Court and then come after me. There was nothing particularly poetic about the phrasing of his threat, but the graphic attention to detail was impressive. However, that one has been moved to number two after what happened today.

Let me set this up for you: the man showed up to the hearing, visibly enraged before we even started. Even out in the lobby of the courthouse, he was already ranting like a madman. When the hearing started, he revealed his basic argument: he wasn't denying that he had missed payments; he was saying the bank shouldn't have made him pay while he was in prison. Fair enough. But then he said the greatest line I have heard since I started this job. And I quote:

"I've killed a man by running him over with my truck...and don't think I won't do anything I can to save my house now!"

I guess I should really start looking both ways before I cross the street.

Pittens and Kuppies!

Here. Enjoy. Maybe winged gerbils are next!

UNC Football: This Could Get Interesting...

Well, it's official. Butch Davis is the guy. I predict a 10 - 2 record by 2009, with a 3-year probation beginning in 2010. Is it worth it? Totally!

Well....The Jerk Store Called, and They're Running Out of You!

Much like Mr. Costanza, I hate it when I think of the perfect thing to say or do after the opportunity has passed. This seems to happen to me a lot, but witty comebacks are just the tip of the iceburg. Anyway, I was sitting in my living room this afternoon watching the oh-so-entertaining Chargers/Bengels game, when I heard a knock at my door.

A prostitute in training who wants to practice just a little more before she starts charging? No, but close. It was actually two girls selling magazine subscriptions. If you have been to college and/or seen the movie Office Space, then you know how this deal works. The sellers are going door-to-door trying to accumulate "points," which they can later redeem for a scholarship, a trip to Europe, etc. The details usually vary slightly, but the basic concept is always the same.

Of course I recognized this scheme immidiately, and as I was anxious to get back to the game, I politely but firmly told them I wasn't interested, and they were on their way. But as I made my way back to my couch, it occured to me - what a wasted chance to totally mess with their heads! They interupted my football viewing, so shouldn't I be entitled to some type of entertainment as part of the meeting?

I think so...and here's how I picture it:

[knock, knock, knock]

Me [getting up, answering the door]: hi...how's it going?

Seller#1: Great! And we're here to offer you a great opportunity!

Seller#2 [just smiling, doesn't say anything....but she is holding the tell-tale laminated cards, which are a dead giveaway as to what they are here for]

Me [internally: dammit, I'm missing the game to deal with this! I better get something out of it! I know just the thing....]: Well, it's a little chilly out here....why don't you come in and we can talk?

S1: Oh, thank you....we have been outside all day...[enters apt]

S2 [still silent, same awkward "I'm new at this and I don't really know what's going on yet" smile....follows S1 inside]

[Slam!]

[Lock!]

Me: HAHAHA...the trap is sprung!

S1, S2 [stunned looks]

Me: No, I'm just kidding around...so tell me about this great deal...

S1 [nervous laughter]: OK, well we're here to offer you some fantastic deals on some of the most popular magazines...

S2 [no longer smiling, remains silent]

Me: Great...there are actually a couple of magazines I've been thinking about getting lately! Do you have anything for, uh, "alternative lifestyles?"

S1: We have a wide selection of gay & lesbi.....

Me: No, no, no....a little more alternative than that....

S1: Um, we do have some transgender, trans....

Me: Anything MORE alternative?

S1: I really don't know what you mean....

Me: You don't know me at all, do you!? Did last night mean nothing?!

S2 [visibly terrified]

S1: Uh, last night? We just met like 2 minutes ago! What are you talking about?!

Me: Oh, that's so "you." Now I remember why I feel for you all those many years ago.....

S1: What the hell are you talking about?!

Me [just stares]

S1: OK, look nevermind....I'm gonna step out and call my manager to see what we can do about these "alternative" mags [steps out, closes door behind her]

Me [to S2]: You know she's gonna screw you, right?

S2 [shyly]: what?

Me: Oh, geez, you really have no idea how this works. OK, you seem nice, so I'm gonna help you out. I've had 4 years of college and 3 years of grad school, and I've seen this a thousand times. You start doing this because it seems like a good way to help pay for school or something, then they pair you up with someone [using finger quotes] "with a little more experience, to help you get on your feet." Let me guess, you're the new one, and your friend there has done it before?

S2: well, yeah, this is my first time, and she did it last year, so she's helping me out....

Me: Yep, that's how it always goes...they find some sweet, naive freshman to do all of the work, but at the end of the year, the payoff is all her's....they'll give you some BS story about how "the two of you earned enough for only one scholarship, and since she's been here longer, it's really only fair that it should go to her"....seen it a thousand times

S2: No, no, she would never...

Me: A thousand times...

S2: No, when she gets back, I'll get her to explain how it really works, and.....

Me: And what? She's gonna say I'm full of crap. What else would she say? If you know the truth, then she loses her patsy....she'll say anything to keep you around! Take my advice, just walk away, while you can...

S2: But, I don't know....

Me: Well, there is one other way....no, no, nevermind, I don't think it's for you....you'd be better off just leaving....

S2: What is it? I've already put in so much time....I don't want to walk away with nothing...

Me: Uh, how do I put this? If something were to [more finger quotes] "happen" to her, then the payoff would be all yours

S2: No, I could never.....

S1 [re-enters as she hangs up her cell phone]: OK, it looks like we have Barnyard Be....

Me: That's OK. I'm really not interested in any magazines after all.

S1: What!? After all of that you're not even going to buy anything?!

Me: No, I really have all the magazines I need, now that I think about it

S1 [turns angrily to leave, mumbles a barely-audible "unbelievable"]

S2 [turns to follow, but glances back at me with a look of uncertainty]

Me [points to S1, makes that thumb-across-the-throat slashing motion, and then silently nods]


....And scene!

Now that would've been worth the price of admission. A little dark, certainly, but nobody gets hurt (probably). I honestly have no idea if the magazine thing is a scam, but just planting that idea in her head would likely ensure that the hilarity doesn't stop just because they left my place. Plus the moral of the story is perfectly clear: DON'T WASTE MY VALUABLE TIME WITH POINTLESS CRAP.

Yeah, that would've been so much better.

Maybe This Scene Will Make it into Super-Special Editions

Jack's Back!

Here is the trailer for the new season of 24 that starts in January. It looks, as expected, quite awesome.

The September Sessions (Songs from October)

Have you ever tried to make a list of the best songs of all time? So many things to think about. Trying to consider so many intangible elements, balancing your own personal tastes against true artistic merit, weighting song writing/composition against recorded performance....not an easy task.

Many of these factors would also come into play if you were trying to make a list of the worst songs of all time. However, creating a "worst of" list would be at least slightly easier than its "best of" counterpart due to the fact that at least two of the worst songs ever written/performed/recorded have emerged just in the past few months. The first is "London Bridge" by Fergie. The other: "Fergielicious," also by Fergie.

My problems with Fergie are nothing new. But while I found her previous work with the Black Eyed Peas generally tolerable - except for "My Humps," which would undoubtedly also make the "worst of" list - the "music" she has produced during her relatively brief solo career has been among the most mind-numbing, objectional sounds I've ever had the misfortune of hearing.

And the worst part of it is not that it's just pointless crap, but that it's a poor imitation of pointless crap. Everything Fergie has done is straight out of the Gewn Stefani playbook. It's like she was sitting there with her producer listening to "holla-back girl," and suddenly blurted out, "yeah, let's make the album sound just like that...only much, much worse!"

And have you seen that Verizon V-Cast commercial where that one dude is totally rocking out to "Fergielicious" on his phone? What a tool! I understand it's tough to make it in television, but if I ever did a commercial like that I would seriously consider taking my own life. Just watching it on TV makes want to chug a bottle of Draino.

Anyway, here are some songs that won't make you contemplate bodily harm:

1. Ben Kweller - Sundress
   
2. Decemberists - O Valencia!
3. Our Lady of the Highway - Duet
4. Hem - Not California
5. Adult Swim & Stones Throw - Monkey Suite
   
6. The Killers - When You Were Young
   
7. The Lemonheads - Become the Enemy
8. The Wrens - Hopeless
9. Beachhouse - Master of None
   
10. The Weepies - Take it from Me
11. Roman Candle - You Don't Belong to this World
12. Adam Arcuragi - 1981
    

Catch-Up, Catch-All Post

OK, so I've been kind of lazy with the postings lately. Here are a few things that have been on my mind:

1. First of all, I'm not moving. There was no way I could accept a transfer to any of the places my boss suggested. But instead of just being a dick and saying "no...screw you and your relocational musings!" I played it as diplomatically as I could. I suggested it might work out if I moved to Raleigh. My boss's response, and I quote, "No, that would make things worse." So, here I shall stay (for now).
2. Geez, I hate politics. This John Kerry speech snafu has been the last straw for me, so I'm just gonna toss out two quick points: 1) If your last name is not Bush, Cheney, or Rumsfeld, and you found the "botched joke" offensive, you need a good hobby...you seriously have too much time on your hands; and 2) If your name is John Kerry, you proved throughout the 2004 Presidential campaign that you are neither funny nor entertaining when you speak, so you need to stop trying....you seem like an intelligent, hard working guy, so just go with that angle.
3. The other night I had a dream that I was eating at Waffle House with Owen Wilson, Viggo Mortensen, and Jeremy Piven. At one point someone (I think it was Piven) suggested we skip out on the bill when the waitress wasn't looking. At the right time we all fled towards the door, ran to the parking lot, and hopped on the backs of our waiting ostriches. Those things can move!
4. Oh, one more political thing - nothing makes me more angry than when politicians resort to the "if you disagree with me, then you're anti-American/unpatriotic/pro-terrorists/etc." That is the weakest fucking argument you can possibly use. Right now the Republicans are resorting to this tactic more often, but the Dems are in no way innocent. This country was founded on the idea of hearing every viewpoint, then collectively acting on the best ones. Having the right to disagree with the majority is quintessentially American...not the opposite.
5. I've become obsessed with finding a good, easy-to-prepare paella recipe. There are no Spanish restaurants around here, and I haven't had really good paella since that amazing little Spanish place I ate at in Bath, England in the summer of '03.
   
6. This article was on The Onion the other day: Larry Coker Fights For His Job By Swinging Helmet At Athletic Director, Chancellor. My favorite quote has to be "'What happened was unfortunate and does not reflect our character as a team or my philosophy as a coach,' said Coker, grasping the helmet by the faceguard and delivering repeated blows to Shalala's face and neck." If you've ever had to deal with Donna Shalala, then you understand.
   
7. I found out my friend Jenn from college has a blog called "Why am I not Surprised?" and it's now on link list on the side of this page. Give it a read. You'll enjoy.
   

That's all for now...