Well....The Jerk Store Called, and They're Running Out of You!

Much like Mr. Costanza, I hate it when I think of the perfect thing to say or do after the opportunity has passed. This seems to happen to me a lot, but witty comebacks are just the tip of the iceburg. Anyway, I was sitting in my living room this afternoon watching the oh-so-entertaining Chargers/Bengels game, when I heard a knock at my door.

A prostitute in training who wants to practice just a little more before she starts charging? No, but close. It was actually two girls selling magazine subscriptions. If you have been to college and/or seen the movie Office Space, then you know how this deal works. The sellers are going door-to-door trying to accumulate "points," which they can later redeem for a scholarship, a trip to Europe, etc. The details usually vary slightly, but the basic concept is always the same.

Of course I recognized this scheme immidiately, and as I was anxious to get back to the game, I politely but firmly told them I wasn't interested, and they were on their way. But as I made my way back to my couch, it occured to me - what a wasted chance to totally mess with their heads! They interupted my football viewing, so shouldn't I be entitled to some type of entertainment as part of the meeting?

I think so...and here's how I picture it:

[knock, knock, knock]

Me [getting up, answering the door]: hi...how's it going?

Seller#1: Great! And we're here to offer you a great opportunity!

Seller#2 [just smiling, doesn't say anything....but she is holding the tell-tale laminated cards, which are a dead giveaway as to what they are here for]

Me [internally: dammit, I'm missing the game to deal with this! I better get something out of it! I know just the thing....]: Well, it's a little chilly out here....why don't you come in and we can talk?

S1: Oh, thank you....we have been outside all day...[enters apt]

S2 [still silent, same awkward "I'm new at this and I don't really know what's going on yet" smile....follows S1 inside]

[Slam!]

[Lock!]

Me: HAHAHA...the trap is sprung!

S1, S2 [stunned looks]

Me: No, I'm just kidding around...so tell me about this great deal...

S1 [nervous laughter]: OK, well we're here to offer you some fantastic deals on some of the most popular magazines...

S2 [no longer smiling, remains silent]

Me: Great...there are actually a couple of magazines I've been thinking about getting lately! Do you have anything for, uh, "alternative lifestyles?"

S1: We have a wide selection of gay & lesbi.....

Me: No, no, no....a little more alternative than that....

S1: Um, we do have some transgender, trans....

Me: Anything MORE alternative?

S1: I really don't know what you mean....

Me: You don't know me at all, do you!? Did last night mean nothing?!

S2 [visibly terrified]

S1: Uh, last night? We just met like 2 minutes ago! What are you talking about?!

Me: Oh, that's so "you." Now I remember why I feel for you all those many years ago.....

S1: What the hell are you talking about?!

Me [just stares]

S1: OK, look nevermind....I'm gonna step out and call my manager to see what we can do about these "alternative" mags [steps out, closes door behind her]

Me [to S2]: You know she's gonna screw you, right?

S2 [shyly]: what?

Me: Oh, geez, you really have no idea how this works. OK, you seem nice, so I'm gonna help you out. I've had 4 years of college and 3 years of grad school, and I've seen this a thousand times. You start doing this because it seems like a good way to help pay for school or something, then they pair you up with someone [using finger quotes] "with a little more experience, to help you get on your feet." Let me guess, you're the new one, and your friend there has done it before?

S2: well, yeah, this is my first time, and she did it last year, so she's helping me out....

Me: Yep, that's how it always goes...they find some sweet, naive freshman to do all of the work, but at the end of the year, the payoff is all her's....they'll give you some BS story about how "the two of you earned enough for only one scholarship, and since she's been here longer, it's really only fair that it should go to her"....seen it a thousand times

S2: No, no, she would never...

Me: A thousand times...

S2: No, when she gets back, I'll get her to explain how it really works, and.....

Me: And what? She's gonna say I'm full of crap. What else would she say? If you know the truth, then she loses her patsy....she'll say anything to keep you around! Take my advice, just walk away, while you can...

S2: But, I don't know....

Me: Well, there is one other way....no, no, nevermind, I don't think it's for you....you'd be better off just leaving....

S2: What is it? I've already put in so much time....I don't want to walk away with nothing...

Me: Uh, how do I put this? If something were to [more finger quotes] "happen" to her, then the payoff would be all yours

S2: No, I could never.....

S1 [re-enters as she hangs up her cell phone]: OK, it looks like we have Barnyard Be....

Me: That's OK. I'm really not interested in any magazines after all.

S1: What!? After all of that you're not even going to buy anything?!

Me: No, I really have all the magazines I need, now that I think about it

S1 [turns angrily to leave, mumbles a barely-audible "unbelievable"]

S2 [turns to follow, but glances back at me with a look of uncertainty]

Me [points to S1, makes that thumb-across-the-throat slashing motion, and then silently nods]


....And scene!

Now that would've been worth the price of admission. A little dark, certainly, but nobody gets hurt (probably). I honestly have no idea if the magazine thing is a scam, but just planting that idea in her head would likely ensure that the hilarity doesn't stop just because they left my place. Plus the moral of the story is perfectly clear: DON'T WASTE MY VALUABLE TIME WITH POINTLESS CRAP.

Yeah, that would've been so much better.